ASHES OF STARS

                               “Stars can’t shine without darkness”

I can hear the sound of rain. As a child I remember mom telling me that these rain drops were the tears of God. Today, these drops mean more to me; it’s a feel of nostalgia, love, tears. I came out to see the rain. I’m Shipla who works at IT Company in America and back home now. I missed my home back then, I felt like I was incomplete. But now, I feel like I’m complete.

My house is a typical malayali tharavad, Malayali’s would say Nalukettu house where the centre portion was open. The furniture over there had an old smell and a touch of antiques. The fungus which is, kind of dark green colour can be seen between the roofs and also at the end of the roofs. Well nowhere else it would look apt. And this is what I like about my house. I was so much attached to this house that the house factor brought me back to my old memories. When I say memories, I don’t remember much but yes some glimpses are there in my head like, I remember all family members running behind me especially my mom with food in her hands. I was never caught by anyone in family because I used to run fast. All these were memories my aunt had shared with me. My cousins, I still remember that we used to play in dirt and spoil our dress and at last our moms would scold us. I often used to think why I left my house. Even people always used to ask me why I left for abroad. Yes, even though it was a different experience over there.

Now, the house stand silent and it is dark. The clouds have clustered over together as if at a magnetic pole. I wanted to get wet in rain but, something pulled me back. For people, brains rules their whole body, while for me it was unique mind rules the brain and so I always felt like an alien. There is also a factor that I was completely not brought up here. When I was very small my childhood was spent here, in this house. Rest of my life I was in the city of Delhi, even for my education. Once I got a job I left India with my husband and rest of my life it was work and family. Today, when I look back I realize that in between, my mind didn’t really rule my brain. My schooling was filled with fun. I was bright student in my class. I even got star badges; funny part is my mom has kept it safe. As if, it was my greatest achievements. Now, realize it is a great achievement because those were achievements she has seen in my life. All of the star badges, toys lie in this house. Physically I was not here in this very house but now I see me, my childhood running around this house. Being abroad I lost everything even family. For me throughout my life family was just me, husband and children. But, now I realize that being alone is not family. Our family was big one. Now, it looks as if shrinked up. My children as they became independent are leading their own life. They never knew my mom, their grandmother. Yes, technology did some help, my children were never aware of such a world as joint family or even family. I suddenly realized their importance and presence. But, then all was turned into a tale. Most of my family member’s passed away. My mom kept my stuffs safe in boxes in this house. I proudly say that we had plenty of rooms. Each day I open and touch my stuffs, each reminded me of each member of my big family. Memories flashed through my dark mind like a shooting star. My uncle, grandfather, grandmother, kaki, atya and cousins. All are scattered and many passed away. Even my husband passed away and children settled. Me, in this lonely house with memories. Each night when I look up at the sky I feel like they reside there up shining bright like stars proving their presence each times, “I am there next to you, very close”.