You’re no longer a part of my life now
It happened so fast, just wow
But, it’s a pleasure thank you I'm..looking forward not to see you
How ironic because you were my role model
But, right now I feel hostile
I have no time to care
What you did to me is rare
You escaped from my fixated idealization
Our incomparable amity is just an illusion
I didn’t see it coming
You made me think I shouldn’t hoping
You support and comfort
But now you made someone to crumble
My amydala begins to stumble
I used to suffer silently
My bitterness runs so deeply
How can you mastered being fake?
Wondering at 2 am where I’m always widely awake
You put scars beneath my skin
My trust and my patience are getting thin
Feels good repressing all of our memories
Someday I’m going to be at ease
I cannot assure anyone
I remember everyone is only just a human
Humans are complex and complicated beasts as they say
And our circle is having a division anyway
We all make mistakes so okay
But I’m still on my way in moving on and be okay
For how many times that I was protecting your feelings because I know you’re being jealous about your boyfriend who keeps on being too clingy on his “best friend”, then you just didn’t defend me when his and your friend was saying I’m wrong, I’m malicious, who insulted my personality. Yet during our confession with them, you said you don’t trust me. You said you trust your boyfriend and his bestfriend more than me. You only defended the person who insulted me, your boyfriend and his “best friend”. You just leaved at school peacefully after that, I wonder if you know how I was burning because of what you did. You didn’t admit that you’re really being jealous of what your boyfriend’s doing so it looks that I was just intruding your personal life and I should get a life? Okay. It keeps me crying at night when I remember what you said, and how your friend insulted me, and how our circle got broken. Saying I hate you and saying I’m sad are not enough in what I feel right now. We’re friends since first year. I trust you the most. You were my role model. I just can’t believe I’m writing how I hate you now. I still can’t believe you’re going to be one of the dearest friends who I made dark poems about now. It’s difficult to forgive people who hurt you, but if your bestfriend? It’s painful, you can't just forgive that easily. It helps to break my trust to every friend I know. The friend, who I knew the kindest, will hurt me this most. Oh my gosh. I just wanna question my existence. I just wanna cry and cry and pity myself because of being disappointed. I shouldn’t trust any. My fault again, I trust too much and I care too much and then in the end, I end up being disappointed and broken. I shouldn’t care about you because I believe you didn’t care about mine. I used to call you a potato unicorn because you're weird, yet magical. But now I think you’re a snake trapped in a magical unicorn body. Your unicorn horn stabbed my heart in front so deeply. I’m thinking about how we met, how we end up being friends, every words that I expressed how great to have someone like you, how amazing friend you are, give you friendship letters/ gifts/ doodle in every birthday you celebrate. I loved you!!! I treasured you!! How could you!!
-------
So after being miserable for days, she apologized to me, she said she’s guilty of what she did to me and she also said that she never knew what it will caused me after doing that. She admitted that I was right because she’s really being jealous. Sorrys are so easy, right? My love is unconditional, but my trust is not. She said that it’s not like she just only wants to defend his boyfriend’s image and his “bestfriend’s” image, and didn’t care about my image. And she said he’s not at their side nor mine, she’s not at everyone’s side. What she objected was that everything will be fine. So rumors wouldn’t spread as soon as possible.
Ohh okay? After saying “Actually, I trust my boyfriend and his bestfriend more than you” during our confession? Wow. Great. But yeah okey, you’re saying sorry. I should still appreciate it even I still feeling bitter right now.
And I’m not spreading rumors, girl. You shouldn’t blame your friends who are thinking that you’re boyfriend ain't loyal, where actions speak louder than words. Whenever you’re not around, they’re being too clingy and even a counselor at school, the supervisor in a mental institution, thought that they have deep relationship towards each other.
I still accepted her sorry so we’re still friends. But, I’m still upset, of course is not that easy. But, don’t worry I’ll be fine. I know hating is not good to our mental health. It will always block our happiness. I will suppress this kind of emotion. But, it still takes times. I wanna embrace this hatred and sadness first before having the power to set this free. I should feel it first before moving on. It’s like punching someone then expecting him not to get hurt. Of course not because it always takes time to heal. My defense mechanism are always reaction formation and sublimation. I really don’t know if she found that she ruined herself because she betrayed a friend or she said sorry because she’s just self-handicapping?
I sincerely said sorry to his boyfriend. The boyfriend is upset because she didn’t admit that she’s jealous. So he keeps doing and doing it because he thinks it was fine, not knowing what his girlfriend’s feeling. They’re really just bestfriends, and (Okay let’s give her a screen name in this story, Speranza) Speranza is still his girlfriend. His bestfriend and the guy decided not to be clingy too much because of what happened, and especially because of Speranza’s true feelings.
Now that the truth has been spoken, I’ve been more close to the “bestfriend” and became my best friend now. (Okay so let’s give her a screen name too, Althea). There comes a time that I saw Althea’s messenger when I borrowed her phone because I need to text Aaron (By the way guys, Aaron is now my boyfriend. He’s the guy from my poem titled “PT Guy”, published here in launchora. Lucky me hehe. Okay back to the main story) I saw that Althea, Speranza and the boyfriend are having a groupchat on Althea’s phone messenger. I read what Speranza said,
“I said It’s okay for me that you guys are still bestfriends, but I never said that you guys should be too clingy even more”
“Remember I was at your side guys, instead of Jennifer and it almost breaks our friendship and I hope we’re really fine now.”
Woah? So what you told me was faked? You said “It’s not like I just only want to defend my boyfriend’s image and Althea’s image, and didn’t care about yours.” “I’m not at everyone’s side. I just want everything will be fine.”
So, okay. I have nothing to do with your answer. I just took a deep breath. I don’t know what's the truth if maybe you just said that to make your boyfriend and Althea feel guilty. Or I was right. You really didn’t care about my feelings. You’re really at their side, not mine. Okay.
2 days more to go before graduation, yes everything will be fine because I’m not going to see you anymore. Someday, I’m hoping that once I see you, my heart is free from anger. When I think about you, I wouldn’t cry anymore and I wouldn’t think about what you did to me, instead I would only think about that you don’t want me to hate you. You said sorry because you don’t want our friendship to fall apart. And you don’t want me to leave in our circle. I’m still praying for that. I didn’t compose a long essay in my graduation picture in facebook because I was sad and disappointed. I feel bitter and want to compose about these sad days before graduation, but now I did. I still wouldn’t to because of having a prior commitment. I already posted my graduation picture with very short caption saying “Thankyou”. Maybe I would write about it after the graduation ceremony so my acknowledgement and the good things I experienced during college would be filtered in my mind, but I will not put it in my grad pic caption in facebook. I will just write it in my diary.