Better Left Untold

I just suddenly found myself writing this piece, it's 12:02 midnight and it sucks. I can't sleep, I want to, I just can't. It was a long day and I think it's  gonna be a long night for me.

Thoughts are arguing right now, again. Well, let me tell you something I can't speak to the world. Something I'm tired of feeling.

I was with friends hours ago, and I knew it; "here I go again, smiling like everything's so fine". Laughs and jokes, I'm faking it all.I was never alone, but I was lonely. My pain don't want to tell them how hard it was, to smile with a poor soul. All they see are different smiles I wear, and I'm afraid for them see me naked, cause I'm wounded. I wanna tell everybody that it hurts, that I'm tired, but I can't. I don't know why, maybe I don't know how.

Someone help me? Someone tell me how?

Nothing seems fine. Everything is falling apart. I didn't reach those expectations even I gave it all. I pity myself for crying alone and realizing how broke I am. 

 I even tried my best to show my importance but no one appreciates. Well I don't know a thing about how they feel cause I was never trusted. All I see is the world of lies. I even don't know what was real or not. I always lie and so the world to me. All I feel is no one cares, they are all curious. 

I keep a lot to myself because it's hard to find people who understand.

Can somebody tell me how great I'am for going this far? how brave I am for keeping it all here, inside my heart. It's heavy, so heavy.... Should I drop it now? Should I stop? 

I've been battling for so long but it's hard  now. Silence always scream my sadness and I wanna scream back but I don't wanna be heard by everyone. I don't wanna share my sadness. 

I feel bad for myself, I am complete, but lost... COMPLETELY LOST rather...

I was never alone but I am always lonely... I don't wanna share my sadness so it's better left untold....