Happy Birthday... I used to give you love but this time I'll give you my pain.
I've written this too many times, I've forgotten how many papers I've crumpled, how many ... *sigh* how many times I tried to untangle my thoughts so everything would make sense. I could go into detail but that would be too long to write, so I'll be direct.
You gave me pain while I gave you love.
You crushed my self esteem without even knowing it, you broke my heart and didn't even notice you were doing it. You've always likened yourself to snow; beautiful yet cold, and you are. You made it seem as if you were so much better than me at everything, you critiqued my works yet I don't ever remember you appreciating my works, or giving me compliments, you discouraged me instead of encouraging me. I defended you from my own thoughts saying maybe you just chose the wrong words, but then one day I realized I was miserable in your company. I used to be so happy to be with you, I freed my time just for you, I gave you things you deprived me of.
It's like I gave you all my happiness and I was left empty and sad.
You made me feel like a less important person. I always felt as if, to you I was just a temporary friend, someone to kill time with when your preferred friends were unavailable. You were always smiling at me, and maybe that masked the ugly truth for me, but the fog that covered my delusion faded away and my emotions broke out like a forest fire.
Because of you I felt like I'm not of much worth, that I'm not good enough and I shouldn't even bother trying because I will never be good enough at anything. You made it clear that you were the star and I'm just... an extra. Though I always believed in you, I was always rooting for you, I felt excited and happy for your accomplishments but I never received the same treatment, and I wondered why... if you considered me a friend, wouldn't you have done the same? I quit art and one of the reasons was you.
Looking back, everything seemed to be about you... why couldn't YOU be US?
This is the reason I indirectly cut ties with you. Although I still greet you when we meet, I do it just because you don't know about how I feel. I thought it was better like that, to just disappear while I re-assembled myself, I needed you out of my life to forget the pain. You were the lamp and I was the fly, I needed to be as far away from you as possible so that I wouldn't get myself killed. Any remembrance of you stung my heart. I hated the fact that you went on with your life so happily, while I struggled with the pain, the anxiety. Did you even wonder about why I left your side?
Anyway, this letter is not to make you look bad, or to hurt you in return. I wrote this letter so that I can finally let go of the sadness and set myself free. I need to break free from the past so I can truly focus on the present and the future. And if you happen to see this... Hi... and yes, I wrote this instead of greeting you a happy birthday on Facebook.