CHAPTER EIGHT : CAN YOU COME BACK?

Long distance relationships can only work if both partners make the logistical, life-rearranging commitment to one another for them to have any chance of working. Paradoxically, one ends up with this weird dynamic where long distance relationships force them to make much more significant commitments to a person whom they have had far less exposure to. It is like buying a car only when you’ve seen a picture of it. Everyone has the same question about it- is it worth the effort? It always depends on your partner- whether they are worth the effort and the demand. For a long distance relationship to work out perfectly, there has to be equal and enough love from both the parties. If it doesn’t work out, it is not the end of the world- a lot about loyalty, about intimacy, about commitment is to be learnt from the relationship. In a long distance relationship, the worries of the mind and the relentless worry of the heart can get in the way of the intimacy and feelings. It is easy to overlook the mundane yet important differences. But, Shane and Tamara never let their woes come in and destroy their relationship. They ticked all the boxes that were to be in a long distance relationship- video calling, talking on the phone for hours together, never missing out on a detail regarding their respective days- everything. They gave their everything to make it work and last. But the biggest catch of a long distance relationship is the absence of one’s lover, being right by their side and filling their heart with their presence. True intimacy lies between the constricted space between two people who have spent way too much time around each other. This intimacy is sometimes dispassionate, sometimes obnoxious. But it is true to the bone and it is what determines if a relationship has a bright future or an abysmal ending.

“Dogs!”, her voice reached a peak of excitement, when Shane asked her about her choice of a pet, “Golden Retrievers, to be precise!”, she squeaked. Shane smiled heartily, listening to her happy. “I had a Labrador when I was a kid”, he replied, “Boy was the best thing that ever happened to me.”, he said, with sadness in his voice. “Hey, come on now!”, Tamara said over the phone, in an effort to cheer her love, “Don’t think about that now!”, she said, “You asked me why I loved dogs so much, right?”, she asked him, eager to answer. “Yeah?”, he said. “Because in dogs, we see things we wish we saw more in people”, she took a heavy breath, “Lifelong friendship, unwavering loyalty and a willingness to eat anything you cook.”, she chuckled. “Whoa.”, Shane replied, with astonishment, “That’s deep.”, he said. “I know, right?”, she smirked, “Shane?”, her tone changed from a cheery and pleasant to a somber one, “Do you think we can make this work?”, she asked him, grimly, with worry and concern on her mind. “Hey, now listen to me. We have pushed through for half a year and we are not giving up so soon, okay?”, he replied, asserting his love and care for Tamara, “I am not giving up on us that soon- even if you do. I know that I love you a lot and you’re someone who deserves every ounce of my energy to keep this relationship up and alive.”, he took a breath, “So, when I say that we are going to last long, we will.”, he said, “Okay? And Tammy, we still have to adopt a Retriever. You gonna give up on that?”, he asked, jeering. “Hell yeah!”, she exclaimed, “And please do not call me that!”, she pleaded, laughing. Shane laughed and paused, “I wish I could see your face, Tammy. I really do.”, he said, in a monotonous manner. “I do too, Shane.”, she said and hurried her words, “I am really sorry. I have to go!”, she blurted out, “I love you!”, she said. “I love you too!”, Shane said, smiling and cut the call. Shane smiled as he looked at her contact picture and deep in his heart, he knew that he would go to the moon and back to make this long distance relationship work. But he had his worries- what if she lost interest in him and the relationship? What if she felt forced to make it work? And the biggest worry was- what if he came back? That’s the funny thing about fear- fear is a shackle. Fear is a knife in the gut slowly being twisted, a constant hammer to the head. Yet, with love gripping over the throat of fear, it evaporates like water under an early summer sun. Because like the ghosts of children’s nightmares, fear is an illusion.

Living in Copenhagen, the illustrious capital of Denmark, Derrick and his family were content with their decision of moving away from Muscat. Copenhagen was known for its wonderful gastronomy, the different and exciting places to visit and have a good time at and most notably, the jazz clubs. Denmark has had a long and strong association with jazz and many of the greats have not only performed there but have lived there as well, especially during the 50’s and the 60’s, when the racial atmosphere was more relaxed in the United States. Interning at the Unity Technologies, Derrick was a student worker at the company and he was happy- he was finally doing the work his heart wished for. He could let his creativity run free in his animations. Just like the other creative minds, Derrick used his art form as a way of venting out the feelings of his heart. There was only one thing that was in his heart, tossing and turning- Tamara. Over the months, he was informed about her living in India and not Muscat anymore. Derrick was determined to go to her and make things right with her and maybe, earn her trust and love again. He was oblivious to the fact that Tamara was in a happy, loving relationship with someone else- someone whom she considered as better than everyone. She went to Shane like a hurricane, as everything that once held her tight ripped her apart. She was hurt and he just was patient, loving her no matter what. This is what gave her confidence in their relationship, a belief that this was a footing that could last long.

“What am I to you?”, Tamara asked Shane, over the phone as the sky grew dark. “Everything.”, he said and paused, “Everything about you is so incredible. You have such an amazing soul and a heart that’s made out of gold. You are my favorite person and I am head over heels for you. Life would not have been the same if you never walked in. You have become my safe place.”, he paused again, “You have become my home, Tammy. And if we ever get lost”, he said and smiled- a smile Tamara could hear- “Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine.”, he said and smiled sheepishly. “Cheesy, man!”, she exclaimed, happily, “I love you for it! You have no idea what you mean to me. After a boring and a mundane day, I come home to you. I come home to the one person I know can get my spirits up and make me happy no matter what. I come home to someone, who will never, ever hurt me and make me feel pain. I come home to you, Shane, who can at least blur out the bad memories of my past.”, she said, her words enamored for him, “When will you be coming here?”, she asked him, with her tone becoming monotonous. “In a month.”, he said, assuring her, “I promise.” They continued to talk over, discussing their daily lives and some bits about their future. Tamara knew that a month was not a long time to wait, but his absence made her suffer and beg for the month to span out quickly.

Life is unpredictable and like a string of beads; a chaotic sequence of dull, sparkling, ostentatious and revolting. Each one is linked to the next by the string, by time, but cannot predict what comes next. The mind must take what it is given and make the best of it, never losing hope that more beauty will eventually arrive. And Tamara lost all hope of the eventual beauty and happiness that would arrive, when Derrick thrust himself back into her life. “Tamara”, he looked at her with his eyes filled with guilt and shame, “Thank you for meeting me.”, he said, looking apologetically. Tamara could not help but be reminded by the past and her time with Derrick- her loss and her pain. “Why are you here?”, she asked him, looking away and trying to push the horrible thoughts out of her head. “Because this is something I should have done a long, long time ago.”, he said, with his voice cracking, “Can I come inside?”, he asked her, taking a step forward. Tamara opened the door to let him in and they made their way to the living room and to the sofa. The house was occupied only by the two, as Jaclyn had flown out to New York for a business meet. Tamara spent most of her time reading books and painting and talking on the phone with Shane. “Why?”, she asked him, as she sat down, “After all these months, why now? Why did you show up, Derrick?”, she exclaimed, with her voice reaching a high pitch. He sighed and took a long breath- one taken by someone before they are about to give a long talk. “Tamara, I will not expect you to forgive me for what I did. I will never expect you to reciprocate the emotions, ever. But, please listen. I remember the first time you told me that you loved me. I remember holding you and wiping your tears away from your face when your father passed away-”, he took a pause and looked at her- he knew that it always struck a knife in her heart. “I remember you trusting me and loving me enough to carry our relationship over the seas and the skies, ignoring your fears and worries. And all you remember is me pushing you under the bus. You remember me betraying you and breaking your trust to such an extent that it couldn’t be molded again. You remember me leaving you in an abyss- an endless abyss that bought you only pain and agony from which it was hard and harrowing for you to come out of.”, he paused and looked at her, whose eyes were holding back tears, “But, I am here to change all that. I am here to love you like I should have- even a broken heart can beat again. I am here to win back your love and trust, which I lost in a very hopeless and cowardly manner. These feelings I have for you, Tamara, cannot end until I cease to function. I hope you see my love, which is embedded into my soul.”, he wiped his tears away and looked up to a silently weeping Tamara, who leaned down, to hold his hands. “But Derrick-”, she managed to speak through her tears, “Why didn’t you do this earlier?”, she tried to hold the crying back, “When everything could have been not so painful?”. “I don’t know”, he said, holding her hand tightly, “I promise that I will wipe out the bitter memories and make new, happy ones”, he looked at her, “With you.” At that moment, everything from her past hit Tamara like a club. Their first meet, their first kiss under the snow, their first fight, their first date- everything. In her most painful and piercing memory, which she tried to blur out throughout the years, the only clear and visible person was Derrick Getter. Till death, she would be grateful for the care and love he showed during the time she needed them the most. “Tamara Streeter”, he looked at her and held her hand gently, “Will you take me back and love me and accept me again?”, he asked her. Overwhelmed by the emotions, by the memories and most importantly- by his love, Tamara replied, “I love you, Derrick.”

Shane went to bed, a little worried about Tamara’s absence for a long time. He ignored his insecurities and went to sleep, knowing that wherever she was, she loved him and he loved her to the moon and back. Before hitting the sack, he put pen on paper for the first time in a while.

“Though the years may pass, love remains pristine. For time is less than the passing of water over rock to love. For there is truth in tears and we cannot hide from the self. Pain is a manifestation of love frustrated and hate is a shield from such pain. So, regardless of the theatre of life, love will always endure.”