CHAPTER NINE : LOOKS LIKE I DO.

The British Airways was always a personal preference of flying for Shane- he loved the hospitality and the warmth they brought to the experience. His heart was filled with appeasement and happiness- he was finally meeting Tamara. He was surprised at the rate their love had matured- the relationship was only seven months old. To see something that young and such juvenile grow into something inexplicable yet hauntingly beautiful made Shane’s mind go awry and his heart was peaceful. Tamara was his last strand- she kept him at peace. She gave rest to the once confused and scared heart of Shane Pax. Haunted by his regrets, Shane never knew if he would ever get past his mistakes. After all, to err is human; to forgive, divine. Being sucked into an abyss that seemed to never end, Shane was lost and riddled with dark thoughts. He needed a beacon- a lightning rod that would direct him out of the darkness and into a better, happy life. Tamara Streeter was that lightning rod and she managed to pull him out of his dark, harrowing self and led him into a life of happiness and love. She gave him hope, something he needed desperately.

But here’s the thing- hope is an evil. Some might argue that it is a necessary evil. Hopelessness is a blessing in disguise. At first, it doesn’t look like a blessing. It causes despair. But what happens when you fall into the pit that is despair is something else entirely- something soothing. Acceptance happens. Once someone learns that bad things happen in life on a more frequent basis than good things, they begin to accept that hard truth. Acceptance lets one to let go of things in life. It lets a person to see the world for what it is and not from a clouded view. And the only way to gain acceptance is to experience hopelessness first.

“You’re here?”, Tamara put her hands up, as Shane leaned in for a hug. There was surprise and concern in her words. “I told you, right?”, Shane said, as he went back, “One month, promise.”, he winked at her. Tamara bit her nails and smiled, awkwardly. “Let’s go inside?”, she asked and hurried inside. “How was the flight?”, she asked him, as they made their way to her bedroom. “Taxing.”, Shane shrugged, “But I am not here to talk about my boring flight! How are you doing?”, he asked, with excitement. Tamara looked at him, holding back her tears. She knew that she was about break the heart of someone who loved her dearly and that their heart was filled with nothing but pure love for her. “I have something that I need to get off of my chest, Tamara.”, Shane said, putting his hand around her shoulders, “And I have been putting it off for a while now.”, he sighed. “Actually, I too have something”, she said, with her voice cracking. “What’s wrong?”, Shane asked, looking at her with worry. Tamara looked at him, with her eyes expressing pain and concern. “Do you remember Derrick?”, she asked him and looked at him. Shane nodded, biting his lip in anguish. “A month ago, we met.”, she said and took a deep breath, “And he said he still loves me.”, she said and looked at Shane, who now was completely aghast at her words. Shane slowly moved his hand away from her shoulders and asked her, “And?”.

A single tear slid from her warm, hazel eyes, followed by another one, and another one, until soon, a steady stream of salty tears flowed down her pale cheek, releasing the sadness and sorrow she had held inside. “You see, Shane”, she said, still weeping like an angel, “After we broke up, I put him, my past and everything else in a box and threw it away- or that’s what I thought. When I met you, I knew that box would cease to exist. But now, I realized that, the box never was out of the picture. I only managed to hide it and conceal it- only for it to come back and make it a part of me again.”, she cried. Shane looked at a woman with sorrow and love in his eyes, love which he had not felt in a long time and now, he was not sure that if he could love someone else like he loved her. “You know”, he said, fighting his tears, “These seven months, filled me with more love than I will ever receive in a lifetime. What you and I shared, I cannot and will not find with anyone else”, he said and looked at Tamara, who was still crying with her head hung in guilt and pain. “You know the worst part about breaking up with you? It is that how little you thought of me when you decided to let me go”, he said, with his voice cracking and tears at the brim of his eyes. “I am sorry, Shane!”, she cried harder, "If I had been open with you from the start and looked you straight in the eyes and told you the truth, then I wouldn't have had to stand before you, as a failure, telling you all of this.”, she cried. Shane put his hand around her, comforting her for one last time. “We both made mistakes, Tamara”, he said, with silent tears streaming down his cheek, “But we didn’t learn from them. Had you made our love important, we would still be happy.”, he took a pause, “And the thing is, if I ever got a chance to go back to the start, I would fall in love with you again, knowing how it is going to end.”, he looked at her, “That’s how much I love you”, he said and nodded his head in disagreement, “But I wish I never met you. Because now, forgetting you and the times we have spent together- it’s going to be very hard.” he said and held her in his arms, crying. All Shane felt now was sadness. Every other emotion was pushed out from his heart. Where there was love, laughter and light, now there was nothing but aching hollowness. The heartbreak felt cold and was unexpected, as they always are- top of the world and then cut down in a flash. Shane shuffled around in his bag and plucked out his father’s gift- the journal. “ I want you to have it.”, he said, putting the diary on her lap, “A part of me should remain with you.”, he said, looking at Tamara, who was now unconsolable. “But, it’s your father’s”, she said, with a hoarse and cracked voice. “Now it’s yours.”, he said, looking in her eyes, “Each day, I will burn you out from my mind. Because maybe one day, you will be just a fuzzy face lingering in my memory. The romantic in me likes to think that in another lifetime, we meet again and keep the promises we made”, he said and hung his head somberly, “Maybe one day we’ll meet again when we are different people. Maybe then we will be better for each other, you know?”, Shane said and shrugged his shoulders and tried to hide his sorrow, but the pain was flowing through him like a wave- tearing apart every ounce of happiness and love he once felt. Shane picked his bag up and got ready to leave. He looked at Tamara for one last time- her tattoo, her beautiful hair, her cheerful smile and her gleaming eyes- he would miss her badly. “I promise that, if you ever break”, he said, looking at her, “And you need someone to fix you, know that I will use my last piece to put you back together”, he paused and looked at Tamara, who now put her head up and looked at Shane, with the journal in her hands, “Despite knowing that you would never do the same for me.”, he said and a tear escaped his hold. He left her house, a changed man- but not for the best. Tamara only had one thing to look ahead- Derrick. Her life now consisted of her past and she never regretted taking him and the memories he bought back with him- she knew that she would always cling on to them.

For Shane, it was about starting anew. Finding love, finding happiness and most importantly, finding peace in his life were his only priorities. He decided to point his focus on completing his doctorate. After the break up, he immediately got on the available plane to Anchorage and wanted to get away from all the pain. But this pain had etched deep in his heart- he could not remove it if he wanted to. The only way to contain this pain was to put it in ink. And Shane decided to. He bought a new diary and began to fill it with thoughts; thoughts he could never express out loud.

“Day one.

Dear love, you gave me two options- To stop talking to you at all or to stay friends.

And when I took the first option, it baffled you. How could I let you go? The truth is, there is no going back after being in love. When you give someone options in love, you have loved very little or not enough. So, here I am, fighting for our love, too scared to not imagine love. But you decided a future without me.”

“Day twelve.

Hi Tamara.

We still go everywhere together. Long walks, cozy cafes, late night drives- you know the deal. Just the two of us- me and the absence of you.”

“Day thirty.

I think the weirdest thing is when you stop talking to someone and you still have this information left about them. Like, you know their favorite color, their favorite song, their sibling’s name, their weirdest dreams. You remember what they told you about at 2 AM. You learn all these details about them and now they are gone. It is just weird. And Tamara, I just can’t seem to forget you. I remember your favorite color, purple. I remember your favorite book, your favorite band- everything. I remember everything and it’s hurting me that I cannot learn more about you.”

“Day fifty.

You have become a distant memory now and I cannot seem to remember your face. I can’t remember your voice or how you smelt. Or how your face felt on my hands. Or how your lips tasted. It seems that I am forgetting you, slowly. And I am scared. I need you back, Tamara.”