Dear Diary

Today I woke up feeling distraught, just like yesterday, just like the day before. I don't understand the meaning of this.
Today, I questioned myself again. I thought I was worthless. Even right now, I have trouble writing.
What do you do when all your life you thought you knew one thing but it turned out to be the most difficult thing to do.
All your life you thought you'd be good at something but you haven't done anything to support that thought.
What do you do then?
All this pain seems useless. Artists need to feel pain more tragically than others. Or at least that's how I've heard it.
But what do I do with this pain if it won't drive me?
I want to be heard. I want to be seen.
I just don't know how.
Is this worth anyone's time?
I'm lost amongst people's thoughts that I feel anxious thinking something of my own.
Something that belongs to me. There's too much chaos in the world. Talented chaos.
Chaos that makes you think and question your life.
Why can't I create something chaotic?
I feel like one day I will simply drown in these words before figuring out how to express them.
Do you ?