Yes, I love him!

Do you ever get that feeling wherein you're unable to figure out whether you literally hate a person or it's just something you made up? I know it sounds really stupid. Isn't it how it is supposed to be? Why is being in love stupid? It doesn't make any sense. No logic whatsoever. Before meeting him, even I had no idea what its like to be in love and I assure you if you watch our Bollywood romantic movies they literally picturize as to how it feels to be in love though it seems too cheesy. Well, I can't really call my story as a "Love-story". But it is. It had all started like they show in any Yash raj movie. The plot is that the girl and the boy meet. The boy messes up and the girl starts hating him. Then, they just become friends somehow as if the universe had no other work other than wanting those two to come together. Moving on. They become best of friends. After that, either one of them starts falling for the other person. Things are messed up. They part their ways only to realise that they can never fall apart and end up being happily ever after. Well, not really happily ever after but it's just the way it ends. My story has some points in common. In fact, they're too common to be described. Except for the point that I already had a best friend so there was no vacancy for him there. And also I guess in my story I have to fight against all odds only to spend some time with him. I still don't know whether I love him or it's just an infatuation. But whatever it is I really like it. It's just like any other story is. We met. I hated him. We went our separate ways. If it wouldn't have been for that camping trip I wouldn't have known him at all. He seemed to be a nice guy unlike the other boys of the college who just want to eat you up. We became friends. Our gangs collaborated. You know the hardest thing is acting that you just like or maybe love a person of your gang "as friends" when in reality you've fallen head over heels for them. The same thing I went through. I didn't fall for him just as I came to know that he's not a bad guy or whatever thoughts I had on him. I fell for every single thing of his one by one. We first got to know each other. But you know what the greatest part of our relationship was? That we weren't cheesy at all. At first, I thought that he was too self-centered or too self-obsessive who doesn't really gives a damn about how others feel. He was not like an average guy. He was too dumb to understand certain things. He was dyslexic when it came to socializing. He had no clue. I really pitied him for not knowing all these basic things. I told him what I really felt. He was my friend after all. Months passed and the roots of our friendship strengthen. He wasn't really the "can openly talk about my feelings" kind. In fact, he showed that he had no feelings at all. Well, plenty of times I also ended up calling him an emotionless robot. Sometimes, I used to just stop talking to him. He was so innocent to even understand these things. He took things practically. Keeping his feelings locked up in a box. It took him quite a long time to even open up to me. We always walked together from our college to the station. We always criticised each other. I punched him all the time. Life was so simple when he was around. It was like we were kids all over again. Because he'd never let me worry about other stuffs. Always leading a carefree life. Even I didn't know when I started falling for him. I fell in love with his care when I was sick. I fell in love with the stupid things he'd let me do.I fell in love that it does bother him if I just stopped talking to him. And the funny thing is that I don't expect him to love me back because that'll be too stupid. He's given me enough of his time and memories that I couldn't even ask more. I always said to my friends that " Me and Him never gonna happen". But seems like the universe had different plans for me. The worst part is I can't tell him what I felt. I didn't want him to freak out. I mean I suck at relationships. He does too. We both are horrified by the same kinda things. At some point, I think I wish I'd never met him.  I wish I'd never fallen in love. But what more can I expect? I'm in a relationship with him but not exactly in a relationship. Most of the people who meet us for the first time assume that we're a couple. Sometimes, I'm on an emotional rollercoaster thinking to myself. He's a jerk and I hate him he doesn't care about me. I feel he's just caring too much for my friend rather than me. At the other point, I'm like he's just learning to care. Give it some time bitch! He changed so much for you and still you're the one compromising? I mean this guy just confuses me to a great extent. But still I want him I wanna be with him. It just scares me that if he thinks that people have just given up on him or stopped caring about him he would go back to become an emotionless robot all over again.  If all this means that I'm in love with him then, yes, I am.

 It means caring for someone beyond rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you,it's love. And when you're in love you just don't stop EVER! Even when people call you crazy. Even then. Especially then. You just don't give up. Only if I could give up on him and take people's advice and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love. That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for. 

Maybe I never get to tell him how I feel but at least I would be happy that I took a stand and loved with all I had. And it can never change. It should never change. 'Cause love never changes it only evolves.