DEAR HEART WHY HIM....?

First time i saw you in the library...you were finding the book i have in my hand...you look puzzled to ask me ... i was the one who wants to see you coming.. i imagined you would come and asked me for that book.. u didn't. i was not lucky enough to get your attention at first. 

i followed you as if you spell on me. i just want to see you more and more and so much more.you were not crush i knew ..you are mine. so what if u didn't notice me , so what if i am not as charming as you, so what if you find me noone. i must try.. i followed till u enter the mechanical department. Girls are prohibited in this area of college but not the girls who just now lost their heart to a strange guy .. no i now know he is in mechanical department. 

i came back to class mesmerized by your decent look, those beautiful deep black eyes with glasses on, colour of your skin fair as milk , height exact match to hear each other"s heartbeats, lips just as silky as rose.. so what if you are boy, so what if i like tall ,dark,handsome. you are tall,fair, and handsome enough to hypnotized me. 

i saw u again in the garden sitting with other boys.other boys who don't interest me now,its you who interest me and the funny thing or i guess the sad thing that u don't even know.you were talking ,laughing,playing ,watching other girls . other girls who interest you and your eyes found me.  

you now know i am watching you,i suddenly looked away and felt this strange feeling of being viewed by you. you are special you know.i think i love you madly. you looked away .i know i am not beautiful enough but i can love you more than anyone . i can love you when you are not loving me back. 

This time i saw you with this beautiful girl. Beautiful enough to get your attention. Beautiful enough to make me feel bad. Beautiful enough to break my heart. but what i do with these eyes who looked you even though you are not mine and you will never be mine. you looked me again . i didn't turned my eyes away. "BOY read my eyes they are complaining to you. you cant just forget them. they belongs to you". you felt uncomfortable.i felt like my Heart gets its lesson.it will never dare to love you again. but these eyes i can't make them ignore you when you are around. and i am not sorry for that.

you came to ask for the book i have, you are looking same as the very first time i surrender my heart to you. u asked , i gave you the book and said nothing. "i know i was rude but honey i am angry . you don't know unintentionally  how much you hurt me. you know how it feels to see your loved one with someone who doesn't belong to you".i know i am being judgemental ,i know this girl is so beautiful but she doesn't love you like i do.you asked again "if anything is wrong" i wanna say , yes so much darling , look at my eyes can't they say enough. And librarian interrupt " she can't speak" . 

i know i can't speak but i have feelings , so what if i cannot explain them , i can write it down for you, "come see my diary . it will tell you everything , everything u need to know". you have sympathy for me..as if i died. i want your love not this feeling of sorry for me. you smiled and write a" thank you for the book". as if i cannot listen as well. c'mon u dumb i can listen its just i don't have voice. 

i wrote " your girlfriend is really cute and i can listen....so don't write for me". i went away as if he would stop me. he didn't. he was baffled by see the reply of thank you. i can understand you are not expecting me to write about your girlfriend. 

you came to see me in the computer science department. i was happy till i find out that your girlfriend is my junior . and you actually want to see her and accidentally came to my class. i helped you to find your "cute little love". you have this pink flower to give her . i wanna say i like flowers as much as she do. would you give me one, please . as i am secretly in love with you. you asked mefor friendship. i smiled and thought " would you rather ask me for marriage". i smiled with the thought. 

its the same garden where your eyes ignored mine. This time you smiled and looked straight through my eyes and" yes honey this goes  beyond the eyes and touches my heart too".i understood you wanna come and meet me in person but as others were with you. you manage to smile. 

This time you rebelled and came to "shake my hand "and yes honey your touch shook me upside down.  i want your touch on every part of my body. just your fingers exploring mine. i know " i can be lusty " so what if i am a girl. you said " finally you are going to propose her" i manage to hide my shattered expression. do you know how bad it feels to loose the hope. hope of getting you back. but my eyes they cant hid any expression.

 you are going close to her and far from me . i saw you going away . i was still there " honey please can you turn back , come and hugged me . you know as much as i wanna speak , i want you. he vanished . 

you proposed her in front of everyone with the red silky roses. i was there too. As she said "yes" everyone clapped, including me. i am happy for you. yes i am . you saw me with her standing right beside you. you smiled , i smiled , you smiled i cried . you cant see my tears , i am holding it just in my eyes not even slightly down, not on my cheeks. but i hate my eyes they rebelled to hold it and cried remembering every memory of yours. i turned my back and walked away. you saw me and for the very first time read my eyes. 

i was there again, yes in the library. you came sat with me. you asked me "whether i like you " wow ,finally you asked , but honey dont you think its too late. Too late to involve the third person and replace the second one and you now you are the first. i wrote" no" and smiled . He felt relieved. i felt succumb. i missed the last chance to get you my love. 

i admit , you are not mine. but u know, i am yours completely.
i admit, you have no feelings for me. but u know my love , i have feelings only for you.

i admit , you would never miss me, but i miss you everyday.

we still see each other,we still smile, we still shake hands, we still exchange books, and my eyes still see him as they did the first time. i can't help it honey. i love you so much. its just you are happy . every time you see me my heart flies on top of the world. yeah honey it still happened.  

                                                                                                 -moonlight-