Loneliness.
Loneliness is like a 6th sense or more of a hobby then anything else. It's like my daily routine, get up, get dress, go to school, be alone, go home, be alone and the usual snack and dinner. I read an article talking about loneliness once because I wanted to know more of the thing that was around me more then my so called 'friends', you could say the loneliness I feel is my best and only friend.
Anyway, I read the article and learned that socialization was like food. We need it to survive. I must be a starving child then because since I could remember, I was always alone. To emotional and psychosocial issues, I had no one to relay on. When I had thought I had someone they stabbed me in the back causing be to have deep deep trust issues that are probably the reason for my loneliness.
I only blame those who don't keep their word when they say we're friends or buddies. It hurts me when I find out they are just bullshitting. Like for example, one week were buddy buddy. I'm feeling like were really good friends and whatnot, we laugh, joke, talk, and just have a good time. It's what friends do, right? Well next week rolls in and a mutual friend comes back from being gone.
I'm pushed to the side as a third wheel, while they ignore me completely. I think okay they're just catching up or whatever and we could all hang and chat together. Next few days are the same, I had just realized one very important thing. The only 'buddy' system we have, is that I am the back up. Someone they go to when they 'true' friend(s) aren't around.
I'm sure many have this 'friend' and this only cause you to feel even more lonely or rather hurt and unwanted as a real person. I sometimes ask myself where do I stand as a person? Where do I fit or if I am even acknowledged by others? Sometimes a person won't care or even deny that fact that they are lonely or unwanted but if you think about it. It's there and your ignoring is because to don't want to believe it.
That's normal everyone feels that way no matter how stubborn you are. We all get loneliness and some have ways of comping with it then others. While some of you struggle, just remember. You have the power to make a connection. A connection that will, if not, cure your disease called loneliness. Your thoughts would probably say "Well I'm anti-social and I can't make friends.". That's because you refuse to acknowledge the power of connection making.
I am doing the same, but right now I am also trying to make a connection. I decide to do it through my loneliness issue. It would give me something to connect with and talk about. After all, 'Fighting an army with one is harder then with many.'. That saying goes with everything hard in life, including depression.