I had been staring.
Staring. And staring at my leisure. Not that it was appropriate but I don't know why it felt like release to me. Crying was beyond me. I hadn't cried since.....
Well. Its better if I ignored that bit too. What was I staring at?
A wall.
I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why was I wasting precious time doing this when I was required at the counter? Staring required such patience. It was peaceful, it required no violence and it expected nothing of me. I really must be going out of my mind.
But to tell myself the truth that day. I was tired. Tired of violence.
I didn't know why but I expected the thought to sting or jab at my ego. But no. It didn't. For the first time in a whole year, I felt calm. And I accepted the fact.
Only I didn't think that taking time off my part time job would earn me any plus points.
I brushed my jeans and looked myself over in the mirror. I was in a bathroom stall. My black shirt and jeans uniform looked fine. So did the name tag and so did my hair along with my face. But there was nothing ever wrong with my physical appearance. I was broken from a place where nobody could touch, see or feel. I was in pieces on the inside and a total mess. A disaster.
A mistake.
We don't want you, you know. We never needed you either.
You can't be serious.
When was I the joker, Cal?
When I was young, a year back, I used to cut an imaginary hole in my chest and pretend that I was letting all the poison inside me, all the bad feelings and angry thoughts let go. Then I would open a window and pretend that it was flowing out.
But the truth was that I could never be like that. Carefree and not burdened with any I thoughts to with me down. I could never be that girl who is able to let go of the bad things in her life and look forward for the best parts to come. It is true, I hardly ever felt any emotion. But that wasn't because I was good at ignoring them or letting them go. No. I heard everything and took it all in to later brood on it.
The truth was that I stowed my feelings deep down inside a place only I could access and reach. One that was so dark and joyless that I would never come out of it. Not now and not ever. This was me and what I would have to live with my entire life.
I guess this is what happened to people who had seen too much, or felt too much.
So before I came out to resume my work, I shook my head and once again, I mentally fell apart.
'Where were you?' Gary hissed. 'Commando was screeching for our heads and I was kinda expecting that you would bear that too along with us. Left me alone for the vultures did you?'
I laughed and batted my eyelashes at him.
'Oh stop flirting.'
He couldn't help himself. He snorted and Commando gave us an evil look that meant that if we stepped out of line even a teensy weensy bit, he would rip out heads apart, and would take his sweet time doing it.
Commando was none either than our boss. He wasn't particularly evil or cruel to us. He was just strict and took severe measures so that no one made the same mistakes again. Salary from him was pretty generous and tips too. Though I was the youngest here. Even Gary had to be at least two years elder to me. Passed out and in College.
'But seriously. Where were you?'
'Of pissing or is even that not allowed here?'
He looks at me and frowns. I choose to ignore him.
Gary is one of the friends I have who has known nothing of my past or anything about my school but just knows where I live and what I do here. He's stuck with me through thick and thin when I wasn't able to come and for that I have never stopped being grateful to him. But one thing which Gary is good at is reading faces, like me, and whatever I told him he knows not to believe. While I'm a mystery to him, he's a totally open book. He was a romantic but couldn't date more than three girls because they broke his heart brutally. He then set out to find jobs instead of girls and took life a bit more seriously and look now where he is. Not hopelessly romantic or he wouldn't have been my friend but still hopeful and humorous and serious when situation arose.
He was an epic storyteller and I couldn't help but get attracted to it. It distracted me and helped me all along. Parties with him were always the best ones and he was the pride and joy of each one and every time I kept begging him to sing just one more song which wasn't a song but actually more like an insult of the original one.
In short he was the only one who could make me laugh and forget myself for just two minutes. And I liked that. I loved it.
'It's you're shift if you don't mind.' He said. Sometimes I wondered if he did all the humor in purpose or was it just him naturally. Why in earth would I ever mind? It was my effing job!
'Why are you being such a gentleman?' I narrowed my eyes at him. He scoffed at me.
'I'm always a gentleman. It's what the ladies look for anyway.' He said, sighing as if those particular ladies just couldn't get enough of him. He then got up, and stretched heartily. Earning another glare from Commando.
'I'll be resting back there.' He said, before slipping off into the staff lounge. It was small, but a place of relaxation and fun.
I sighed. No matter how much I tried to be strong, I couldn't be. I couldn't even rely on strength anymore. In reality, I'd just turned into a creature which couldn't be named. Something different. But not good. Something awful.
I was so lost in thought that I didn't even see the next customer, who had come, and was asking something, which I wasn't able to hear.
'I'm sorry.' I said, quickly as I shook my head lightly and inwardly snorted. As if that would make it go away. This was just another unfortunate day, I'd chosen to brood. I looked at the customer now, to ask him what he wanted and froze.
'You.' I said. Adriano looked at me, and there was genuine surprise there. I guess we hadn't meant to find each other here of all places. I doubted whether he even knew if I had a job.
'Well, what are the odds.' He muttered sarcastically, as he shook his head. Then he looked at me again. 'What are you doing here?'
'I could ask you the same thing.' I retorted. 'I work here as a part-time receptionist.'
He raised his eyebrows.
'I didn't know you actually did something with your life.'
All past emotions, related to him vanished with a whoosh in my head. His comment stung like anything.
I was foolish enough about it anyway. How could I even think of including someone in my miseries? Or worst of all, actually sharing them? Especially with him? I couldn't have denied that in some part of me I was enjoying his presence. When had that happened? I hated him.
But I knew it was the truth. He just reminded me what I was again and again. I knew it all and yet when he said it, it hurt. But I was foolish to think that I could change who I was. I could never do that.
You'll always be like her, Cal.
You know that's not true, Amy. She didn't love us. But I love you.
What if I don't?
But-
And then the screams all over again.....
I cursed myself. If this kept on happening I would need to take leave early today. I couldn't let this happen in front of every customer who unknowingly brought back haunted memories of my past.
But I was tempted to stay here. Maybe do an overnight sleepover in our lounge with Gary and the others. It would be a welcome distraction. And much more fun than my house. That silence.
I was scared. Scared to face it all alone.
Coward. Is this what you learnt from a year back?
'Hey.' His voice shook me out of my reverie. And I let it. I could think about it later anyway. Or I would destroy the little time I had now. I mentally went through the conversation we had, wondering where I'd left it.
'What?' I asked as I kept thinking.
'You just kind of spaced out..' He sighed. 'Sorry.' He said when I gave him a look. 'Shouldn't have woken you up.'
I refrained from telling him, that he was the one usually keeping me from the seizures coming nowadays.
'Whatever' I roll my eyes, then narrow them at him, suddenly remembering what he'd last said. 'But you don't look like the kind who come and take their own pictures and put them in cups to look at. And you're in a Photoshop. But I don't think I read you well. Clearly must have been mistaken.'
Yes. I used to work in a Photoshop. More like helped the customers and placed orders.
He rolled his eyes at the mention of reading him. Clearly he knew it was a delicate topic for both of us.
He gave me an envelope. I looked at him questioningly.
'It has a photo of my mom and sister.' He said, then sighed. 'Her birthdays coming up and I couldn't think of something, so, a cup sounded good enough.'
I froze again. Birthdays. Presents. Family. Care. These were such foreign things to me now. Until then, I hadn't even known he had a sister. I hadn't known why I should have known anyway.
'You have a sister?' I blurted. Then cursed myself. It was familiar. I always cursed myself. Why would he have wanted to tell me?
Instead he'd smirked and nodded. I forced a chuckle.
'Maybe you could introduce them to me one day.' I say and then froze. Too late. I'd have to accept this as a playful comment. I don't why I had actually meant it.
He nodded. I didn't think he missed a thing.
'Wish her happy birthday for me.' I forced the words out, taking a smile again. If he'd noticed it, he hadn't commented. He just nodded again.
'I'll place the order.' I said, and signalled to someone else to take up my place as I took the envelope inside. When he was out of sight, I quickly stopped and started breathing. I didn't know why, but I needed to catch my breath. I hadn't realized I was so nervous. He would have laughed. And it made me almost laugh at myself too. To think I, Carla, would ever be scared......
But I so was. I was always.
Before I could take another step, I caught Gary's eyes and he grinned at me. I glared at him. So that meant he'd missed nothing of our exchange. He quirked his eyebrows and I just turned my back on him, his silent laughter audible enough for me. The nerve.
As I reached the other side, blissfully free of any nosy people, I took another minute. Should I look inside? No, a voice said. The rational part of me, because it was an invasion of privacy. But I couldn't help it. I had to peek. Just once to see what similarities their family had.
Heart thundering, I pushed open the flap and peeked.
In an instant, I was folding it back down and fought back the urge to cry, as the tears gathered at my eyes.
He looked just like his mother. His sister looked just like him. And most of all...they looked happy. Content.
I'd looked like my mother. My sister and I could have passed as twins sometimes.
I didn't think I could hold my tears back anymore.
I rushed in and gave the photo to the people working there, told them what had to be said, and ran out. I would take an early leave. Maybe even take some screeching from Commando. I needed it. Anything but this.
But as I headed back to the counter, to my surprise and chagrin, I saw Adriano and Gary talking, conversing, in an easy, airy way. I gritted my teeth. He'd never acted so nice in front of me.
Which was nice, I reminded myself. It was better that way. Always.
When I went that way, I looked at Adriano and he shrugged and gestured lazily to Gary. Then grinned. I swore some part of me stopped at that.
'My new best pal here,' He said. Gary grinned back. 'was just telling me about your.....misconducts. Bad behaviors and stuff. '
I glared at Gary. He raised his hands in the air, laughing.
'I swear it was just about the parties.'
'Idiot.' I hissed. Though some part of me relaxed at that. He winked at me.
'Stop flirting. It's too much.' He'd used my own dialogue against me. Wow.
'I'm going home.' I said abruptly. This got both of their attention. Adriano just looked at me. Strangely. As if he'd seen right through me. Don't be daft, I chided myself. And Gary narrowed his eyes in suspicion. He couldn't know much. But he might have guessed I wasn't feeling well. Both of them were perspective enough.
'You can't just leave.' Gary said. 'Commando-'
'You can handle him.' I said, giving him, what I thought to be my most charming smile. Then turned around.
'Don't worry. I've got some important work. I can't forestall it.'
Brooding was so important. Sure.
I didn't think I imagined him snorting. Of course, Adriano saw right past it. I didn't care, I told myself.
I walked out and as I was just about to get into the taxi car, he came into my sight.
'You could tell me.' He whispered. It sent a shiver through me. But I was feeling dauntless and however much they'd both made the knife's edge blunt, they couldn't ever stop it from hurting.
So I looked at him and said.
'No. I really couldn't.' He wasn't anything to me. Or me to him. Stop kidding yourself, a voice scoffed. But I would certainly try.
I got into my car and sped back home.
As soon as I reached the doorstep, I collapsed. When I got in I didn't bother to change. The tears didn't disappoint. They came immediately. And they didn't stop. Anytime soon.
©AkshayaGadre