Depression overkill

How do you deal with it? On a daily basis, I read. Read and read and read and read until the day ends and another day start. But as I close my book, it drags me back to reality that I'm lonely, sad, no friends (even though I have tons), and nobody understand me. It sucks big time that you try to open up what you feel to people who are close to you and that you trust. But you just ended up feeling like it was your fault to feel such things, cause your the one who put it in your head in the first place. 

I've been feeling this ever since I was a kid. Like there's always something missing, and I never was complete. Even though I've grown up, it still there, it never leaves. Everyday I put on a mask, and its tiring, for years I've never put down that mask, even though I lost someone so dear to me, I still wear that mask. I have to put on this f***ing mask cause there are people who look up to me. I have to be f***ing strong for them. And I'm tired. I'm so f***ing tired. But I can't be vulnerable, I can't be weak. 

When people knew about my illness, they said, they never knew, they never see, they never expected it from someone like me. And I hate it cause they just hear me, see me as I am, me who is wearing that mask. I was too good wearing that mask, it seems its part of my body already. No person ever see through me, yet a fluffy little fur ball can sense it. He can feel it so intensely, he would just come up to me and stare. He would just stare at me.

Every night, I always thought of a solution how to end this all, every f***ing night it convinces me to end it, but one look on the fuzzy fur ball, he knew, he knew that I can't. He knew that I'm such a coward. A coward to face all the misery and a coward to end it. 

And now I'm still stuck with it. Still stuck in the middle of it. I don't know where to go, or what to do next. For now my only escape on this in a daily basis is reading and a fuzzy fur ball keeps me in check. But I hope one day, one day I will find a way to end all of these, all these mess in my head.