derailed thoughts

I've been wondering lately if this is the person I have always been.

Or is this the person that has become of me after you wretched my soul.

I am a person with a guarded heart. So guarded that I almost keep everything to my self.

Dedicated to be a person who does not rely on anyone. Why? 

Because at the end of the day, you only have your self. 

Before I go to sleep, I lay down, alone; holding on to my chest with my heart in my hand. I can still feel it beating, still fighting. And I hear myself say " you got this!"

For I was almost fully recovered from the previous heartache of my previous friendship when you found me.

But alas! The fate must have been playing some kind of joke on me when it comes to friendship.

Maybe I was destined to be alone. Or maybe the gods have pressed the repeat button for me to experience brokenness in friendship accidentally...or maybe in purpose. Who knows? 

Or maybe if I stopped pouring my heart out to friendships I would start to feel a lot less. Hmmm sounds encouraging.

You should have known I was fire the first time you held my hand. And I should have known you were afraid of warmth the moment I tasted your name.

You stole everything from me and I apologized for being empty.

You killed the fire inside me - the warmth that keeps me going - and I apologized for being cold.

You killed the compassion that was left of me and I apologized for not feeling anything.

You shattered my shattered pieces even more and I apologized for being jagged and sharp.

You took a piece of me and I apologized for being incomplete.

I have loved every flaw that you had and considered them as a beautiful scar. But you, you slapped every flaw that you can find in me right in front of my face.

I can't help myself from feeling sad not because I invested my time for you - in fact I'm glad to have you and all the other significant persons before you - but because of the fact that I have considered you as a family and now you are a part of the past that will haunt me with: "What if?"; especially now that you already found your new "best friend". I think it's time to loosen my grip and finally let go.

But I will remember you though, I remember everyone who has promised to stay with me forever but has finally decided to leave me because I ain't worth the time.