I had an observation in my life recently. Most of the people present, scratch that, almost all the people present in my life make me feel miserable and sad and aren’t present when I need them.
I am there when they need me, at least to my best abilities.
But anyway I have been getting neglected a lot and so I decided or rather just went ahead with cutting them off.
I had this friend with whom I used to talk and share my woes on a regular basis. He too used to do the same.
I happened to have the chance to schedule a catch up face to face session with him but apparently he had this other hot friend visit him the same day.
So we had a chat for half hour or so and he took off, commanding to meet him again later than night.
I refused right there, in a polite manner nonetheless.
I said that we already have met and that I would prefer to rest in my free service apartment for rest of the night rather than meeting him again.
I guess after a long time I took a step, putting my comfort at the forefront.
Anyhow, he got pissed and has been pissed ever since, refusing to acknowledge me and reply to even the casual hi hello we shared.
So I let go. There’s only so much effort I can take.
Then I have this other friend, scratch that again, my sort of ex.
He has been obsessed since ages and somehow I could manage to avoid his pings for few months and he’s back again with yet another attempt to know how my romantic life is and whether he can give us a shot and even to the extent whether there’s a bleak chance for us to get married.
I just have one honest response,”fuck off”.
I don’t care whether he is probably the only guy who consistently keeps being bothered about me since past 5 years and that he is some manager of some company. I don’t care he is possibly a good candidate and fits the general good marriage material specifications but the ultimate fact is that I can’t stand him and loving or being with him would be worse than death itself for me. I can’t stand even his mere ‘hi’ on social network and his constant bothering and enquiring me whether I had my meals. Even my mom doesn’t bother about my food habits yet.
I wanted to say all this but the good person I am, I can’t be rude to him.
So I went with just leave me alone line. Wonder how long that’s gonna hold up.
I recently also threw away the guy I was involved with in sort of romantic way, inspite of knowing that he already had a gf in a faraway state. It was a spur of the moment thingy, coupled with my vulnerability and loneliness. Nonetheless my fault was involved, I dragged it for 2 months after which I couldn’t carry the guilt anymore and ran away sans any explanation.
I was called a coward for the same but it didn’t matter.
My feelings for him or any desire to stay with him is long gone as well although I do miss the past moments once in a while.
Barring all this, I am for real just plain lonely now.
No, it’s not about not having a guy thing.
I have always been able to count people in my life, the one who mattered on my fingers. And right now, the count is getting negative.
I am living in a place where I do not have the access to my old friends rather friend as she is super busy in her life. I know that and not the kind of person who would bother her just coz I am lonely.
I had found a person to bind with at the current place but once apparently she hated to listen me rant about my life inspite of her being a mutual friend with the accused person. She is not the kind who expresses on other’s face, but just choses to avoid the whole deal.
Can’t say I am much different I guess. Anyhow that knowledge made me wanna hold back from then on. She does keep her side of rant alive though which is fine since I have never had a problem with this stuff.
And that’s all the list of people I have or rather had.
There’s this group with whom I get stoned, party etc on weekends but we never share or chat.
So basically I am alone right now. I started thinking along the lines that our happiness shouldn’t depend on people and that we should be our own confidants.
And so I began immersing myself in work and I did get a lot busy.
But today I found myself wondering along the lines, what’s the point in all these.
Working would fetch me some appreciation which dies down soon enough. I am happy for a certain amount of time but then I have none to share with. Hence, it just becomes a regular thing. Special doesn’t feel special without people to share it with. There is none with whom I can talk and discuss that this is what I am thinking to do in future and whether it’s okay.
All I had was to write this down and post somewhere. Makes me wonder how my life has become and anxious about how it will become or worse will it remain the same!