31st August, 2020 (Monday)
It's onam today. I have been very excited about onam this year, as this is the first onam at our own home. I planned about taking pictures with my mom on sofa and I spent so much money on buying all the onam items. I wanted to be really happy on this day. But as the day arrived. I realized how much it sucks. How much it sucks to be alone and not with a companion. No matter how much makeup and new dresses I wear, the emptiness can’t be filled out. I woke up today with a bad feeling itself. And I knew I was going to be in a bad mood. Things will not go the way I planned today. And that’s why while eating breakfast I thought to check my mom’s mobile. I was sure that she might have got message from mangalore uncle. And as I checked all her messages, there it was with his message with his son's engagement picture. I was shattered. Even though I knew he was going to be engaged, I was hoping that he might cancel that and come back to me. But I was so naïve and stupid. I can’t believe that I let myself get fooled into believing that. I can’t even write his name because it triggers my heart. That man gave me hopes. I didn’t check the picture. I just saw the thumbnail and that was enough for me. I blocked that number. Even though I know that it is not my place to block anyone on my mom’s phone but I know that it would be good for her also. It will be depressing to see those messages for my mother also. Happy onam....... my foot. The whole mood changed, I feel drained. I feel embarrassed at how I let myself do such a stupid thing. My grandfather said men like to play with mire and then later wash themselves in clean water and become a gentleman. I thought it is not true. When I heard that I thought I will never be a mire for any man. But after this experience I completely agree with my grandfather. I feel like he played dirty with me. I feel unclean. But now onwards I will always remember my grandfather's wise words. I will remember never to trust a man. Never to give my love to any man. And that’s why I was not even able to complete my breakfast. My hunger just died. I had to force myself to eat something. I knew this thing was going to happen, but man I had hopes. Sometimes I hope too much. I should start thinking with my brain instead of my heart.
I know that I am the only one to be blamed. I had been stubborn. My mom warned me so many times. She told me may be he didn't like me that much. but I was so stubborn to prove her wrong. I talked to him all the time. My mom warned me that he might not feel the same for me like the way I feel for him. But I felt that she was wrong and I was right. I felt the warmth in his talks, his constant messaging and I knew he also felt that there was some connection between us. Even though he was 8 years older than me. He treated me like an immature child and I tried to act more mature around him in order to win his approval. I totally threw myself at him. But I knew that he completely understood me. In a matter of few days I we had a complete understanding and he was total vulnerable around me. He laughed at my jokes, listened to me with patience and man he was so good to me. A perfect gentleman. That's what I thought about him. In a few days he made me dream about a lifetime with him. And his father liked me too. He used to send me forwarded messages too. He was impressed at the way I changed his son.
But then suddenly everything changed. Messages stopped coming by. We had each other's number but never messaged anything. I messaged him once but the reply was so cold and distant that it made me realize that something has changed. I never bothered him again but he was still there in my contact list. And to my surprise he also kept me in his contact list. But it was not the same. For two months, I just spent day and night looking at his number and wishing that somehow if I looked longer he might message me. But boy that never happened. What happened is that I spent two months of my life in self created heartache and depression. But then I decided ok that's it. If he is not going to initiate I must stop hoping. I should stop this suffering. And the only way to do that was to delete his number. Because no matter how much I try to distract myself, there comes a time when I feel the urge to look at his contact and wait for his message. So in the last week of june I took the courage and sent him a detailed message about how I felt for him and how his absence has been driving me crazy and why I think it is important for me to remove him from my life as he seems no longer interested to be a part of it. It was a lengthy message, at the end I wished him luck and then pressed the send button. And then quickly I deleted his number and chats. And for the first time, at the end of two painful months, I slept peacefully with my heart feeling lighter than before.
Two weeks passed by. No reply came from his side. I didn't even know whether he read the message or just deleted it even before opening it. I was getting back to my normal life, trying to be as busy as I can. And then suddenly my mom announced that she received a message from his father about his engagement. I thought I was over him. But that news really shook me to the very core. All the feelings that I have been suppressing for the past two weeks, again came back to me. I was drowned by those emotions. I wanted to ask him how could he do this to me. Do all those past few months mean nothing to him? Is he doing this just to get back on me? Or like my mom said he was never into me. Was it just me who was dreaming of all that connection ? Did I do something wrong to him ? I wanted to ask him but I knew it would be wrong of me to message him when he is going to be engaged to another woman.
This whole situation reminded me of a sex and the city episode, where Mr. Big marries Natasha instead of Carrie. And there is a scene at the end where Carrie asks Mr.Big "Why not me?"
And when I am looking at his engagement photo, I feel the same urge to ask him, "Why not me?"