Evening Thoughts

I think at some point in my shitty story, I've come to realize that I am most likely a side character created for the main ones to encounter at unimportant events. I'm probably the character a reader would forget even existed in some well-known series. It's somehow ingrained in me that whatever comes my way, I have to never latch myself onto anything or anyone because it's meant to pass me by. Even if it lingers for a moment, I can always expect that it will leave me a little broken. 

And so it's kind of become natural for me to just let things go. I have to have my hands loose all the time, not gripping on anything, and brace myself to hear doors swing open as people walk out of my little world. I've become uncaring, enjoying every little company and friendship and attention and love I could get, all while expecting the loss that will come after. 

I thought I was invulnerable. I thought the pain that would always start from the tips of my fingers, slowly radiating to the very center of my chest, was nothing but an evidence of a life lived by a forgotten character. I thought I would survive all the time. I thought I just needed days, maybe weeks, and I would always be alright, just like how I'd been alright all these years.

But every fading footstep that echoed along the empty corridors of my life chipped away at my soul. 

Every "hello" now sounds more like an impending "goodbye".

And every "I'll always be here with you" sounds exactly the same as "I'll leave when I find someone better". 

Perhaps the most annoying pattern I've seen is that, as much as I'd like to call curses upon them for all the hurt, I would always end up hoping that their stay with me had been, at the very least, worthwhile; that even when this sturdy heart of mine gets shattered for a stretch, I'd pray a wish or two that they find their happiness. 

How very fitting for a side character.

Anyway, these are just some unimportant, passing thoughts of a random stranger. If you've read this far, here's my genuine wish for you: I hope you live the awesome life of a main character and enjoy your plot armor and all other privileges. You deserve that much.