Feelings put to words :)

I don't understand why it always has to be me! Why am I always the one who has to suffer, who has to love, to care, who has to be concerned, understanding. Why is it never you? Why are you never worried about us? Why are you not concerned not sad, why are you not scared to lose me like I'm!? Why aren't you attached to me like I'm to you! Why don't you get my feelings like I do! Why don't you understand my situations my problems like I do! I'm so attached to you lol! I'm overly attached and that's why your little ignorant actions hurt me. You know what, I don't understand how you do this man! I mean how can you be so carefree even after being so rude or hurting me?? I just don't get this. I mean I can't even sleep peacefully knowing that someone got hurt by my words my actions and there are you!! So relaxed even after knowing that you've hurt me!! Lol I don't know why I'm like this! You could have called after dinner but you didn't because you didn't want to. There's no you left in this relationship now. I mean I'm not asking for a breakup or something like that. I just want you to listen. To understand. But you won't. I'm in a relationship with MYSELF. When I'm happy only I'm happy, when I'm sad only I'm sad. When I cry I always have to pick my self up back again and put on this fake smile again. I never find you by my side. I'm alone. I feel so broken. All through the day I'm fine happy cheerful smiling, but at night sometimes, I just forget how to feel. I'm not that happy cheerful girl again. I'm just me. The sad version of me, the broken version of me that I've never shown to the world. I want to cry. I want to scream. Sream and cry so loudly that all my pain vanishes away. But I can't. I've to be the happy me. I have to fake myself. You know how embarrassing it is when you're crying and you suddenly hear someone coming so you have to quickly wipe away your tears and avoid eye contact. It's so painful at times. You hurt me. You always prove me wrong. I'm always there with you when you're sad, when you're alone, when you need someone but are you there with me when I'm sad? Do you try to make my mood when I'm alone. You never want me at times you're happy. You only miss me when you're alone, when you need someone. You don't need me anymore, you're just habitual to my presence. If I'm there or not doesn't matters. Everything's still the same for you. I don't know if you're actually in love with me or just habitual to me being there..or you're just in the idea of being in love with me! I tried all ways but you never understood. I got angry, I didn't say things, I maintained distance but no, nothing could change you. But how would my absence bother you when my presence never mattered!!!! I too have problems in my life, ups and downs, mood swings and what not! But I never hurt you or treat you badly just because I'm not happy. I never treated you the way you treat me. I don't know why you don't understand me till now. After all these years, so much time why couldn't you! If you're not in a good mood I immediately understand it without your saying and try my best to make you smile. But just ask yourself, do you ever come to know that I had a bad day without me telling it to you? No, right. Because you don't care. You were right. I shouldn't have expected things from you like you don't expect from me. It always hurts. Even after me telling you that I'm sad, angry, hurt you don't do anything. I can put my feelings into words. I always do. I always tell you how I feel or felt but you still don't care. Because I and my life mean nothing to you. You're not even scared to lose me. Things are just bad. I want to be happy once again. I want my old me back but I can't. I'm lost. I don't know where I'm. You know it hurts so much when I realize that you made me feel so important yesterday but so unwanted today. It hurts when you feel like you're annoying the only person you want to talk to. I'm not blaming you for anything. It's me who reason behind all these things in my life. Maybe if I wasn't like this these things wouldn't have been happening. I just cannot fake myself anymore. I can't pretend to be happy when I'm not. I need you. I want to tell you that I need you. I need you by my side. I need you to hold my hand and tell me that things will be alright. We'll be happy like before. I'm lost baby. I'm not me anymore. I want someone to find me to make me happy again like before. But it'll make me sound like I'm begging. I want you, your love, everything but not like this. I don't want anything like this. It feels like I'm begging for your attention and love. You make me beg. I feel like you don't want me anymore. I'm losing you day by day. I don't know this you. I don't know you. I don't even miss you anymore. I miss the old you. The old you that did anything to make me happy. I miss the old you who cared for me, who always had me smiling. The old you who couldn't see me crying, who treated me so well, who treated me like I was everything to him, who knew what to do at any point of time, how to make things right again, the you who was by my side forever. The old you who was just perfect for me, who knew me so well. I miss the old us. I keep on recalling those happy moments and time we spent together in the hope that things will be good again. How happy we were before! But things aren't right now. They'll never be.. I did everything but nothing could change you, nothing would. I'm in so much pain and depressed that I just forgot how it was like to be happy! I don't know why I'm the one who's always chasing you, why is it never you who's chasing me, who takes the first step to do things. Whenever I think that things are gonna be alright you spoil everything. You make me believe in you and then break my trust over and over again. It's so heartbreaking that I let you break me over and over and over again just so you can put me back together and start breaking me once again. Loving you is not easy. But I'll love you forever no matter how much it'll hurt. I don't know why you aren't understanding my pain, why are you not understanding that you are slowly breaking me. Years from now, just don't make me regret loving you. Don't make me think that I put all my time and love into someone who I thought would be by my side forever but ended up leaving me!
You never understood my love for you, you never will :)