Four Years

Dear Mom,

Four years had gone by since you left. Four years had gone by and I still remember the day you gave up. I remember how that night turned to be the most unforgettable moment of my life and when my thoughts turn to the memories of that dreadful night, a tear or two will always find a way out of my eyes. I also remember the days and nights after. Although I can’t recall how much tears I’ve shed, I can still recall how I felt during those grieving times. I can still recall those nights when I would call your name and desperately wait for an answer. I can still recall crying while hugging out my pillows on the nights you chose to visit me in my dreams. I can still recall the feeling of jealousy when my friends talk about their own moms. I can still recall trying to imagine how would it feel like if you were still here. Four years had passed by and I can still recall grieving over your death just like how I do up to these days. Four years had passed by and I’m still missing you like day one.

The 15-year-old rebellious teen you left is now a 19-year-old trying to be a responsible young adult. In that span of 4 birthdays, many events and life changes went by without you. I have always wondered how you’d act if only you’re still here. It was lonely picking my dress for prom because you weren’t with me. It was a tear-jerker marching up the stage accompanied by a teacher while all my other batchmates were with their parents when I moved to senior high. Standing in front of everyone with my medals made me wonder if I’d feel more accomplished if you were by my side. It has always been you who accompanied me to the stage whenever I receive recognition for my academic achievements. I got my heart broken on my 18th birthday and I spent the night silently crying on my bed because you weren’t there to comfort me nor advise me about love. Graduation day was semi-gloomy simply because you weren’t there to celebrate with me. Preparing for college was sloppy and filled with tiny mistakes because you weren’t there to guide me. Riding a bus to move to the city miles away was filled with tears of fear. Staying in a dorm for the first time felt scary and I have always wondered if you’d call me every day to check up on me. On my first vacation, I wonder how you’d welcome me home again. I wonder about the things you’d do for me if you’re still with me. I wonder about how you’d be a mother if only you’re still here. Four years had passed by mom and I still wonder about all the many more events you will be missing.

The angsty teen you left is now a 19-year-old young adult trying to learn things on her own. There are plenty of things that I’m not so certain about but I have plenty of time to learn. I’m broken but I’m trying to fix myself. Don’t worry mom, I’ll be just fine. I have survived 4 years without you. I’m sure I can survive forty more years. There are days when I’d still call for your name, days when I’d cry on my bed because I’m missing you so much but I’ll be just fine. I’d go on with my life and fulfill my dreams one by one. Even if you’re gone, our dreams didn’t go away. I hope you’re happy wherever you are right now. I hope that when you think of me, you’d be proud of what I have become. I miss you, everyday mom. Please visit me in my dreams tonight. I love you.