“Goodbye”, the last word he said to him: A letter

How long has it been since we last talked? Since we last shared smiles? Since we last walked together? Since our last jeepney-ride? How long has it been since you left me?

I never thought it would reach this far. You know I never thought that I’d love someone who I never believed will come into my life. Never in my deepest dreams. Never in my most horrifying nightmares. Before, I didn’t care seeing you walk, with your friends, with your other friends, with your classmates – with him. Never had I thought we’d be close. Close enough for me to fall on the cliff of love.

I still remember the day I first met you formally. It was never enchanted. My heart didn’t skip a beat, time ran normally and my world didn’t stop revolving. I was clueless. I never had an idea it would turn out like this.

One time, you sat beside me inside a jeepney. We talked. We smirked. We laughed. We shared tales. That time, I felt something clicked inside me. And that very moment, I knew I wanted you. Since then, we had seen each other repeatedly. We texted. We went to places. We seemed so happy. We did a lot of things.

Still, I suppressed my feelings. We had no label. I was scared. I had no claim. I was full of doubts, yet I still pushed through. I wasn’t ready for romance because the time before you came, I was still into someone. Then, you also told me you’re in the same situation. You’re heart still belonged to this person I didn’t know who. I asked you “would you still choose him if he comes back?” You answered a loud silence. I knew that that silence meant “yes”.

I still ignored the guy. I pretended that he never entered our story. I told myself he never existed. I made myself feel like I never asked the question.

Then we continued doing things for months as if we never said we’re not ready yet. It felt like we were able to empty our occupied hearts. You made me feel so special. Your hugs, kisses and stares were enough as proofs.

Suddenly, something didn’t seem right. I sensed you slowly walking away. Your picture became blurred and hazy until I cannot see you anymore.

It took a long time for me thinking what went wrong. Was I so easy to give up? Was I not worth the risk? Why did you leave? Was I boring? Did I screw up? … Where did you go?

Being left behind without a notice was painful. It hurt as if millions of knives were punctured in my chest. I waited. I silently hoped you’d come back. I stood still. I never moved from where I was. I kept running into places until I knew what happened. That guy I ignored. That guy I pretended never entered our story. The guy that as if never existed – was the reason why you left and he turned out to be our closest friend. The friend we always walked with. The friend we always ate with. The friend we always laughed with.

Now I’m here. Alone. Saving myself again.

Still, the fact that you once made me feel I had you is enough. Yeah, I guess it is. I think that's just how it goes; you rescued me from being stuck with someone before, and now I need another somebody to save me from you. Again, if this is it, thank you for making me feel I had you. Thank you, for I finally found out where the “good” in goodbye is. And so, this is me saying something I should have said a long time before.

Goodbye.

photo credit: Greek Geo