Half-committers

A course of time, can cause the bending of a person's thoughts. What one loved once, might become an obliterated thought. Or what one never wished would come true might become the only truth. No one can say. But how to get a hold of yourself when you are too perplexed to accept all the love and endearment thrown at you, but frightened enough at the thought of losing it all?

I sometimes like to believe I am not the only one bearing such an unflaterring tension inside my nerves. I like to put it out there just for the sake of someone who's already been through stuff like this, a state where you are not the hero, and not the villain either, but somebody stuck in the middle, maybe just a passer-by hoping for better luck with an alternate plot. 

Looking at my choices in life, it's not like it has been entirely a predicament. I've done good on my part at times, but my misgivings have certainly wrecked havoc in many lives, including mine. I have been blessed, more than once, but cursed too, that infinitely. It all culminated into this one wonderful mess I call 'me'. Wonderful or not, I'm not sure, but mess is the one constant. Love and laughter have both crept into my journey at times. Sometimes it was love that made me laugh, and other times it was laughter I fell in love with. Either ways my hands seemed too tiny to hold and contain it all.

I have seen love up close. I have felt the warmth of mingling fingers, the chills down the spine, the fire in the eyes and the water that flows out of them pouring the overwhelming essence called 'love'. I have been in arms that felt like the safest haven for me - even if just for a few seconds. I have tasted the lips of another - though it felt nothing like I expected. And each time, I was nothing more than a half-committer. 

Some of my moments catch me in the middle of a fantasy. When I have my headphones plugged in, with some romance number being played, I find myself in this movie where a heart-throb is desperately trying to win me over and I'm playing hard to get. I blush and keep avoiding him but on the inside I'm ecstatic. Let me tell you, it has once been a reality.