Hanging

To the person who left without saying a word,

How are you doing? How's your day going? Is everything well? I wonder about you everyday by the way. I think of you seven times a week. Actually, sometimes even more than that. It's Incredibly pathetic. I know. I admit.

I just can't help it.

Right when I wake up, I think of you. Throughout my day I think of you. Somehow some things remind me of you. Certain smells, places, songs, and it might be nonesense, but particular voices and sound make me think of you.

I especially think of you the most when I feel down. Ironically, though you are the sole reason why I feel a bit sad at the moment, you're the one whom I think of when I'm not having the best day. Simply because I relied on you the most, and because with you I felt like I'm strong enough to surpass anything. You gave me a sense of secruity. And it made me feel good. Maybe it's why you're also the first one that I remember when I feel happy. When I accomplished something. I wanted to share with you the events, people, things, that also made me smile besides you.

Thankfully, my life at the moment includes a plethora of things to do. They temporarily prevent me from thinking of you. Sometimes they work. Other times they're useless.

That's when I start to hate myself.

And I hate myself more when I start to wonder about things. I often have a lot of questions about you. Are you going to sleep early? What time did you get home?  Did you have a good day or a bad one?  Were you able to eat breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? What are you going to do tomorrow? Who are with? What are you doing now? Are you thinking about me? Perhaps asking these same questions? Or is it completely the opposite? Have you found someone else?

I hate myself the most when I can't temporarily not think of you. When the time I think of you takes up more and more time everyday. When I wonder about you and I get this uncomfortable feeling, because I know I don't have the right to know anymore. When reality comes after me. When realization comes to me to hammer down the fact that I'm just hurting myself. 

I get this sudden feeling of emptiness. I know it's the worst feeling ever, but I eventually want to hear that you had gone through the same thing. I want know that atleast once you were also thinking of me. That more than than a few times you wondered about me. That all these times you longed for me too. That you were miserable without me.

I'm sorry. I may be selfish of self love for my own good, but I really can't function. I feel incomplete. I'm stuck in between the past and my hopefull imagination. I need answers. And although what I'm searching for might be obvious to everyone else but me, I shamelessly want to hear it from you. I'm hoping I'll be able to permanently stop thinking of you once I hear it. I'll be capable of permanently stop wondering and feeling empty.

I hope you understand why I'm being persistant. But I need it. A word is enough to answer my million questions. A word from you can stop me from falling over and over. I'll be free. But until then, I'll wander more between the past and my hopeful imagination.