I like staring at people, not in a weird way of course, I like to look into their eyes, because when I do, I feel like reading their minds, I can see every thought, every emotion and every secret they’re hiding. Sometimes, I even can read what they’re hiding from themselves, because eyes don’t lie. I can see the sadness behind their smiles and the pain behind their words. We all say we’re okay when people are asking how are we doing; it becomes more like an automatic answer, that when you’re asking someone, you expect him to be ok, but what if someone said he’s not ok ?what would change ?are people ready for this answer? Of course not, because they’re not used to it. That’s who we are, and that’s how we act. We only do what we are used to do, but when things are unprepared we are in a mess.
Talking about confusions, have you ever felt like your mind is in a mess, in a huge disorder that you don’t know what you want anymore, when you feel like you don’t understand yourself, when you don’t recognize your priorities and they seem like some simple things that you once wanted to achieve. I do. And to escape from this state of mind, I don’t do anything, I just give up, it’s not because I give up easily but just to feel unfilled and empty, to take a break from this life and all those goes and comes, because I feel tired, exhausted of thinking about goals, aims that I want to reach, I feel that I need a rupture to experience how to be no one, and how to have nothing in mind that keeps disturbing me. But then I wake up from my smash and go back to real life where everyone is chasing after their own objectives, even when it takes hurting others. People in my world don’t care of what it needs to have what they want. It’s like we are in a hunger game, where one person should win. But what happens once we reach our dreams? Is it the end of the war? Of course not, because we keep on inventing other ones, we never get satisfied. Once we attain our aim it loses it’s essential, and just fade away, we always look for something new, another delusion that keeps us dreaming at night, and hoping for it on every wishing star, on every birthday candle. I think this is the vital reason for life, it always gives us something to live for it, imagine that you don’t have any wishes, any purposes in life, what are you going to live for ?Nothing.
If the aims won’t finish that means that the war wouldn’t either. We are in a battle with everyone, with our enemies and even with our friends. Is even this friendship really truthful? is it that kind of links that connect us forever? Or are we together just because circumstances forced us to be friends? Sometimes, I think of this word that has a powerful meaning, it exists everywhere, all the time we hear expressions like: best friend, friends for ever, boyfriends, girlfriends... And then I discover that no one knows the meaning of those words, it’s true that they keep repeating it, but they don’t mean it, because all they need is a person, someone to be around them whenever they need help, whenever they need to spread out secrets they couldn’t keep, someone to trust in. But they finish with letting down those “friends” for others. And that’s why we also find expressions like: broken promises, broken trust and broken hearts. Every single memory becomes broken. I like to refer friendship to the christmas tree, we look for the biggest and prettiest one to decorate it when we need it but when the christmas is over, we just throw it away, but it will never get fixed or go back to the way it was. It will never last forever but still in every christmas, people look for another tree and life goes on.
Beside friendship, there is another powerful word that has even a bigger existence. A word with four letters who might be repeated more than any other word. You all know what I’m talking about, it’s love. Actually, I won’t blame the word because when I think about it, it’s sweet, it’s kind but for some reason whenever we hear it, all it comes in mind is break and burn and end. I don’t know why, but it’s always when we know for sure that we’re in love, when we finally think we found the right person, our soul mate, it’s when we got disappointed. At the beginning we are confused and careful because we don’t want to be as naïve as a little child, we try not to trust the person quickly, but it’s when we feel safe and sound, when we fall hardly, deeply and madly. But if I’ve learned something from my experiences and the experiences of other people, is that no one deserves our trust, because in the end we’re in this continued battle. Everyone just look for its own aim.