Someone once told me I should write something happy.
Even if something that I'm about to write has a sad predestined ending, I should at least do some strokes and do my best to make it happy. It's my story after all.
But to be honest my inspirations only come whenever I'm sad or upset, thus my sad compositions. It's the emotions I work best at. Maybe I was meant to be gloomy to easily express myself.
Today, though, I write not because I'm sad or depressed or disappointed or anything. I write because someone made me excited.
My heart's racing. My hands, shaking. My palms, sweaty. My mind's creating hundreds--no, thousands of thoughts that I just can't seem to organize unless I have a pen and paper on hand and I jolt down each and every one of them.
I have lots to say. But that feeling you get whenever you wanted to explain something to someone desperately but you're lost for words so all you could do is mumble and groan and laugh at how stupid you must look? That's what he's making me do.
And he didn't do much, by the way. He just told me he like me. And that was enough to have me all nervous and excited and lost for words.
Why?
Because maybe I was happy he said it. I was happy it was him. I was surprised and moved and didn't know what to say.
Because it was him.
The guy who was with me at my hardest time. The guy who celebrated little things with me. The guy who told me I'm doing great.
The guy I was confused about before until recently.
Not that I like him as well (...well, maybe a little bit).
It's just...out of all those who told me they liked me, he has the most chance at...me liking him back. And I'm not saying this just to not hurt him. I'm saying this because...well, it's the truth.
Even if he's not the most handsome, not the tallest, not within my standards even (lol), he has the warmest heart of them all. The kindest. The fluffiest. He was like one of those leads from a Korean drama--minus the perfect looks (again, lol).
But it makes me excited knowing he somehow likes me.
And he said saying he doesn't have time left because I might get swayed by someone else, someone who also says he likes me. Someone who's also willing to put a shoe on me just so my socks wouldn't get wet. Little does he know, it's him I'm getting swayed at.
It's him I wanted attention and affection from. It's him I thought if I should like or nah.
And I thought I was just confused because I was rejected by the guy I liked before. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But who knows? We're young and we can be confused about such stuff. As long as we take time to realize our own feelings. Right?
As long as we're being honest.
So now I write with uncertainties and anxiety.
Even if I like him back, I'm still not willing to be in that relationship with him. Will we be okay with that? What happens the next time I see him? What should I tell him now?
What happens to us?
Do you feel my anxiety from where you're reading this?
I write today with a sack full of thoughts and emotions. Though they weren't sad or anything more negative, they were strong enough to inspire me.
And even if things don't go well between us, I'm looking forward to writing something--anything besides sad. It's something that's making my heart beat fast...aside from him.
Para kay OTO
PS. Here's a song that cheesily describes my feeelings lol