I saw him on Instagram's suggested people.
He was smiling and posing along with his girlfriend on his picture. I hesitated for a moment but I ended up visiting his account nonetheless.
His pictures were normal, but he looked like a different person compared to when I first met him. I knew he was exactly the same person though, when he gave me a familiar feeling of helplessness.
A familiar feeling of fear. A familiar feeling of trauma.
December 8, 2017. You entered my life and caused a lot mess.
You made me into a mess; and was it all because you were lonely and drunk?
I shouldn't have went to you. I shouldn't have trusted you. But seeing a lost soul reminded me of my own. And my willingness to help immediately got the best of me, because I don't want another individual to experience the same pain and loneliness I was once at.
I went to you. Only because you wanted a friend and a companion. I trusted you. Only because I thought I was the first one. But I should've seen the signs.
I should've ran away when you insisted on getting drunk.
I should've fought when you started to make a move.
It started with a kiss. But your hands started to move to places where it shouldn't be. I should've known it was time to move away; and I did.
But you pinned me down.
And all my life I thought I was strong for a situation like this, but all that I've become is a weak little girl who didn't have the courage to hurt you or even shout.
Was I stupid when I worried for your future while you're already ruining mine?
I begged. I tried to talk you out of becoming a demon. I told you, you shouldn't do this. I told you, you're gonna hurt me and your girlfriend. I told you, you're a better person that this.
And you listened--only for a while.
And I had no other choice but to sob and call out your name, hoping it will make you come out of your trance, while you pull down my shorts and do things I never thought you would do.
I trusted you. But you were not the person I thought you were.
And now, almost 8 months after, I'm still haunted by those memories. Every little thing brings back a piece of that night and I will be forced to endure reliving that horrid nightmare that people point out is my fault.
You shouldn't have drank.
You shouldn't have went with him.
You should've thought it through.
I should've just forgotten it; but I can't. And is it still my fault?
Today I saw you on Instagram's suggested people. People would think you're relationship goals with your girl but I wondered if she knew your demons.
I wondered how many girls have you unleashed your demons unto them. And I wondered if you knew you, and that memory, became another demon that I have to face everyday.
I hated you. But I hated myself even more; because I let my body become your playground. And I feel so filthy and frustrated; no hot bath or shower could ever make me feel cleansed again.