I Am God, Ask Me Anything.

Hello Mortals, I am God. If that name does not suit you, I can also be referred to as Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, The Great Spirit, The Sun God, Zeus, Tengri or any other name of your choosing. All get the same idea across. But God is pretty parsimonious.

Today I am doing a very uncommon thing. I have seen some things recently, and I think humanity has gotten the wrong idea about me on various things. However, the last things that supposedly say what I mean to say are about a few thousand years old and humanity has certainly changed from those days.

For instance, selling your daughter into slavery isn’t a legitimate means of debt reduction any more, and the cheeseburger has become incredibly popular over the past few years. I think it’s time to answer some questions that you may have about me, or my views. So I’ve taken the time to respond to a few frequently asked questions.

1. Are you real?-Mike, Scotland

Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night mate. But whenever you wonder how the next Kleenex gets popped up when you take one, think of me.

2. So why haven’t I won the lotto yet? I pray for it every night!-Nikki, Texas

I tend to work in mysterious ways but this one is kind of no brainer. Plenty of people tend to get by without winning $500 million dollars. Besides, I can’t really play favorites like that. This tends to be the most common prayer I get, so it’s good to get this one out of the way.

3. Is there a heaven and or a hell?- Bob, Ontario

This is one I don’t plan on revealing anymore details of. Because if I flat out said, “Oh hey, there is a heaven and a hell. You go to heaven if you’re good and hell if you’re bad” then everyone would be good, but begrudgingly. “Aww man I have to feed the poor and clothe the sick today again!” “Do I really need help this old lady cross the street again! This happens every Tuesday!” Now things would be bad if I said the opposite. “There is nothing after you die. Just blankness” Then I’ve just given the go ahead for complete anarchy in the world with everyone doing whatever they want with no consequence or pain. There would be six billion thugs running around because there is no longer a reason to be good. That wouldn’t work.

Ideal scenario? I want people to do good just for the sake of doing good. I’d rather not have people walk up to the pearly gates with a list of good deeds done and try to use it like some form of currency. At the same time, I don’t want folks to think “Oh my, I’ve just ran a bus full of puppies off the road, maybe if I volunteer at a soup kitchen for an hour, all will be cool with my karma". Do good, go home and be happy about doing good. Go to sleep and do it again in the morning. Do that, and you want even have to worry about the question of heaven or hell.

4. So do you have an explanation for the Crusades?- Amir- Syria

I do. It’s when people take my words and use them for their own purposes. The Holy Land had quite a bit going for it in terms of religious relevance, But in reality, Christian Kings and the Sultans of Egypt fought for essentially their respective retirement plans. But, here is what ticks me off and still goes on to this day, they used what they said was “my” will for the planet, and used it to give justification for their beliefs. “Deus Veult” cried the Bishops who sent peasants to the death in the Levant, Allahu Ackbar cries the man who detonates the explosive on himself. As result, millions of people have been killed in my name and I’m just facepalming up here the entire time and still do when someone says something horrible and dreadful was “In God’s will” or their platform has to be right because “God wills it”.

To those people, you really want my true “will”? Shut up. Shut up before you hurt more people.

5. Do you look and or sound like Morgan Freeman- Jim, France

Let’s just say Morgan Freeman has to be my favorite incarnation of my job to date. Seriously guys, that voice.

6. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are their people living in poverty while gluttons live in their own paradise? How did you let this happen? Sheila, Ohio

Your question essentially boils down to this: evil is largely a human creation. When you are born, life, and by extension, me, provide you with a set of skills or tools that they are free to use. However, I can’t apply a manual on how to use those tools, on account of free will. If there were no free will, I could simply make you mindless slaves that worship me without pause. Truth be told, I find that type of universe boring. I like seeing what people can do with the skills that they discover. For instance, sometimes there will be a man or woman that finds out he or she has musical talent. Some become Mozart, some go off and form Nickelback. (I kid. I kid. Have to be relevant the youth somehow.) It’s fascinating really, but a minor example. Some find the way of peace and charity and others feel that the way to win is to blow up a building full of people. I can’t determine how people use the gifts I give them, only that they have them. Everything else happens in turn and a part of nature and life.

7. Who would you vote for? Bill, Nevada

Let me tell you something Bill. I created the universe in a week; I created atoms, dinosaurs, oil, water, space, trees, and planets beyond what humanity currently knows. My primary job is to make sure the entire universe doesn't implode on itself and to ensure every planets rotates just right, every comet and stars has just that right shine, and that the sun still works. I am outside of time and all being; Do you really think I give a hoot what color tie your current politician wears?

8. So what do you really think of homosexuals? Angie-Lesotho

Ambivalent. Yeah, there’s that bible passage and other verses that say I don’t approve of it, but I would say that is now outdated. Think of the time period. The world was largely empty and my goal is to get people to survive into the next generations, breeding is generally encourage, that’s why I programmed humanity to want to do it just about all the time. But lately, population expansion is hardly a concern anymore, but what I have noticed a severe lack of lately, is love. Trust me; I saw the whole Brittney Spears 24 hour marriage ordeal, but even love for children. It hurts a bit to see a neglected child in pain or someone abandoned in some fashion. It’s gotten so bad down there, that children are now fair game for violence. How devoid of love to you have to be to hurt children? It’s no mystery that quite of few of humanities problems could be solved with a little bit more love and compassion. Love is always supreme and it’s contagious. If it takes two people of the same gender to find and create more of it, fine by me.

9. So is there a right religion? Andy- Morocco

The one that allows you to do the most good, it may even be none at all, You don’t need to know my entire commands back to front to even live them. If you want a religion, let it be this “Do unto others and you wish to have them do for you” It seems humanity has called this the golden rule and they’ve hit the nail on the head on that one. Now you all just need to figure out world hunger and infinite sprinkle production and you are all set.

10. Coke or Pepsi?- Jules, Guatemala

They taste the same. I mean come on?

11. So why did you do this?

Because people have been thinking lately that the only way to be truly “With me” is by following some obscure lyric in the bible or the Koran or the whatever that is justification for something that creates a contradiction. My true followers are less focused on protesting outside of abortions clinics, but rather helping a terrified young mother get through a rough time. My true followers don’t use their faith as a political platform, they use it as a guide to better the lives of themselves and others.

I leave with the words of St. Francis, certified decent person.

Make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Leave that to your own interpretation, but do good above all. Everything else is petty.

Thank you and yes, I bless you.