I am home.

"I am home"

It was my first time away from home , I was in a new place , with new people around me . I didn't know the language . Everything was so new from sharing a room , buying things on my own , doing my laundry , to managing money.

In this new place ,I felt different , like not belonging here , like I didn't fit in but, this unfamiliar air embraced me , I wasn't ready for it ,I didn't know I deserved this new love .It is weird whenever I think about it .

 Going out for tea/ coffee became my socializing factor , we ( people I met there) started eating together and spending time together . We didn't really understand each other , but we cared , loved and that made everything easier .

I always thought relationships break when we don't communicate but that's not the case , I realised this the hard way that what matters is  , how we comprehend things.

I met few really lovely people , who made me feel home . I slowly became used to them.

There were times they left for home , for work , for class , those were the times I really started feeling uneasy .

I figured out , how flawed my system was and that I had been dependent always.

It was just unbearable to be apart . I couldn't complain , I couldn't say anything because I was the one obsessing over company .

Loneliness had hit me pretty hard by then .

I thought I would be normal if I go back home .

This constant need to be loved and be validated by others was bugging me .

Going home was the only solution I thought of back then .

I don't know when I became so insecure ,being alone .

This loneliness wasn't my choice and I wasn't ready to accept it .

My work was over and moved back home , to my safe place .

I loved the idea of being home .

But , everything had changed.

My friends had their new worlds and I wasn't a part of it anymore .

I wasn't in their circle anymore , I was still a college graduate struggling to get masters .

My self esteem had hit the lowest point and I felt embarassed to be around my friends.

I might sound jealous and yes I am . They have what I need - stability.

By this time , I was preparing for my exams to get admission for masters and I was pretty stressed out.

I was scared , what if I don't make it this time .

The societal pressure was high on point and I started doubting myself .

Where was the safe place that I longed for , where can I be happy , where can I find peace . 

I guess my home wasn't my home anymore , it wasn't a happy place as I believed it to be .

I had grown old .

I can't hide or run away from my problems .

And yet , I choose to fall again and again hoping to get back to home someday  .