Chaos. Total, irresistible chaos. Not around me, but within me. Untangling myself from this chaos is the only task that gives me a will to live now.
Around me, everyone strives to be happy. While I? I strive to to not be distressed. To not cry. How did I get left behind? I thought I was further than everyone. I thought that in this race, I had reached the point from where success seemed like a child's play.
Apparently, there's an invisible inevitable pit that no one tells you about. And once you fall, you can only cry for help. Shed tears and shout for help. Scream your life out. And see all your efforts go in vain. Because in the end, even if someone cares they have to win the race too. They can't stop and pick you up. All you can do is shed tears. Shed them until there's a pond of them and you are left with nothing but pain and anguish. And then use that and swim out of that pit.
Imagine how it feels to finally get out of the pit, and start running again. To finally see a ray of hope. And then watch the sun go down. Drowning all your hopes with it and then finding yourself back in the pit again. To repeat that insufferable process.
We can love and love with our life. But still fall into the pit. Its nobody's fault. It just wasn't "meant to be".
Falling into the pit made me realise something important. I cannot be loved.
I cannot be loved. That sounds bad, doesn't it? Well, there's a silver lining: I can die now. And it doesn't matter if I get crushed into a thousand pieces after my death because there's nobody waiting to see my lifeless and soulless face. I can die peacefully that I won't ever be the reason for somebody else's tears. Not a tear to shed, and not an expression faltered as I leave this world. I am glad I am forever alone in this journey. I am glad this world remains unaffected by my absence. Because in the end all I ever wished for was to not be the reason for a certain someone's tears.