Those moments when I look at my naked reflection in the mirror and just instantly hate every part of my body, when the excruciating words of the bullies from my school lingers in my mind, haunts me at dawn and prevents me from dozing to sleep, and when I just look at the ceiling and think of possible ways to make my self better made me cringe and believe my whole life was never deserving to even think about it.
That's just who I am. A pessimistic, despairing, downbeat, and hopeless girl. Never have I had the guts to wear or do anything of my own likings. Never have I felt so happy about doing something for myself because it always ends in the same way -- it ends in failure. I was always afraid of being too happy because I know, at the end of the day, the inevitable happens. And that is, the wretched ending.
My friends and family would always complain about the attitude the I am having. Sometimes, I put myself to blame whenever a conflict arises even if it has nothing to do with me. When I sensed today was supposed to be a happy day, I just have to pretend that it is for me too but everything doesn't go well because they said I was too obvious. I wish they could somehow pretend too that I'm doing fine and know that I'm trying my very best to put up and maintain the act so as not to break the aura they're having. I just don't really belong to anyone here in the world but to myself.
How can I tell them straight to their faces that I'm not really the kind of person they thought that I've been? How can I tell that I am the shittiest person that they could ever have in their lives? How can I tell these without being misjudged? Thinking about how they'd feel and react terrifies me. I just can't contain it.
In the end, maybe all I've got to do is to keep pretending for my whole life. Maybe, I just have to continue the act and keep it to myself that I am once again that pessimistic, despairing, downbeat, hopeless and also maybe an introverted and depressed girl. I will never be that famous girl wanted by everybody, I will never be that good and outstanding sibling who does everything perfectly, I will never be that friend who jams along anytime and anywhere because I will always be that downgraded person, in my eyes.
-H