i have a confession

"I am unhappy." 

Now, what is it again? My mom would crunch her eyebrows, expressing her disappointment, "here we go again, I'm tired of this". She does not think depression is real. I don't even speak of it anymore. I just said I am unhappy. But she does not understand.

"I am unhappy."

I'm busy. No, dad never actually said that. But he was always unavailable. He goes to work early, arrives home before dark, and he would watch the news as he cooks dinner. He does not speak much. He used to talk to me when I was younger, but we kind of just set apart. I just can't reach out to him, and he never really asked. I just said I am unhappy. But he did not hear it.

"I am unhappy." 

Granny laughed in her snotty voice. You're too young to be unhappy, child. Don't waste your life. I guess she does not understand the word unhappy, or perhaps she has forgotten about it.

"I am unhappy."

My friend would slap my shoulder. What the hell has gotten into you? She is not used to it. We're laugh buddies and negativity is not our thing. Don't judge her. She cares, but she just does not know how to deal with it, because she is unhappy too. 

"I am unhappy."

You would walk away from me. I scare you. You fear people like me for we might damage you. Our love is suffocating so you can't dare to love us. 

"I am unhappy." 

Why? Who hurt you? A kid would hold my hand. Do you want to play? I have this new toy. He would show me his toy car. Or maybe we can buy ice cream? And I would say yes to his suggestions but in the corners of my eyes are the tears I have been trying to hold. His tiny hands would guide me to the candy store. His genuine heart wanting to understand my unhappy soul. 

And that is all I ever need. 

A kid understands the word unhappy. That is why I chose to say 'unhappy'. It is not a complex word. It is not something that has to be diagnosed. It is not something that existence people doubt. I was desperate to be understood.

"I am unhappy." And I do not need a lot. Who knows, I might have just needed a smile and not those eyes that scream, "I pity you." Who knows, I might have just needed a hand to take me to someplace and not the "'m scared" look.