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Nothing that happens is ever forgotten, even if you can't remember it.

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'will i die if i sigh 24/7'

i typed into google. nothing came up. 

i let go of another sigh.


'is sighing bad for my health' 

another attempt. 

'excessive sighing may be a sign of an underlying health condition. Examples can include increased stress levels, uncontrolled anxiety or depression, or a respiratory condition. If you've noticed an increase in sighing that occurs along with shortness of breath or symptoms of anxiety or depression, see your doctor'

i guess i should see my doctor then. 



i think about it. 

'when  did you start sighing?' my doctor would ask.
i would sigh. i might be even sighing all the way to the hospital. 

i laughed the thought off. i know exactly the reason.



you haven't called. 
i left a message in your inbox. you left it on seen.
it's been a while. don't you miss me?
i know I'm exhausting to be with. i know. and it's a lot worse that i know about it. i overthink a lot. 

have you grown tired of me? am i boring to be with?

am i not funny? am i not worthy of your time?

and i--


i just find it so hard that i have to think about it all over and over- as if some worn-out tape that got stuck and kept on playing over some ugly, cranky note. it's annoying. it's tiring. i just want to shut it off.

but being me is not something i can just shut off. shutting my thoughts off is not an easy task. 

but you loved me, at least i thought you did. you cared about me. you tried to. you tried your best.

well, i guess there is always a limit to it. to everything. at some point, you might have grown tired of me. 

of how i always sulk myself into lonely thoughts. of how i always shy away from your help yet i hold your hand and not let go. I've always been afraid to open up. but you stayed, for a long time.

until you walked away and everything felt like it happened for just a short time.


i let go of another sigh. 


it feels so heavy when it's just air I'm letting go. it's heavy, like letting go of you.

I've been going through my hair and i just realized something. it smells like yours. it's hateful. it must have been your shampoo. i remember the smell because i could smell yours every time we hugged. fuck i remember every single moment of it, of your face buried on my chest. and it hurts.

i went through my clothes, and no doubt, they smelled like your perfume. and i swear i would just like to throw them off but my skin smelled similar to yours. fuck. fuck. i hate this. i remember every single time you took me close to your chest as i clutch my arms to your neck and hear the beating of your chest. i fucking hate it.

 

i don't want to be reminded of you anymore. 
I'm gonna take a shower, a really long shower.
I'm gonna use all my soap if have to. 
I'm gonna use another shampoo to get rid of yours.
I'll shower them all away, your scent and all the memories
i'm gonna cry until all of my tears well up that nothing will remain of it.
and I'm gonna spray my own perfume all over me. 
I'll change my sheets, clean my bed, I'm gonna make sure every piece of you will be forgotten
I'm gonna turn off my notifications, clear your name out of my inbox, 
and i will turn off my phone
i will sleep peacefully for now.
convincing myself that i found myself back.
that i won't find pieces of me in you anymore.
as if you were never here before.
and in my dreams, i would cry.
i would wish for you to come back and take my hand again.
But this time, without ever letting go. 

and in the morning, all the memories of it will be gone.

and i would sigh, once more.





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Nothing that happens is ever forgotten, even if you can't remember it.

119 Launches

Part of the Love collection

Published on April 12, 2020

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