I Just Watched Him

You can choose the people you want to be with, but they can choose not to be with you.

You can choose to keep them, but they can choose to lose you.

You can choose to stay, but they can choose to go and leave you.

And even if you choose to build your world around them, they can choose not to make you a part of theirs.

~~

The corridors of our small school are not that long and wide enough to avoid anybody..

You just stand in one place, look around with your eyes, and you'll recognize everybody in that one whole straight path you're in.

I walked these corridors on a daily basis, I could say. And sometimes I would stop somewhere along the way to look around. Some days I would put on my expressionless face, lean on something while standing or sitting on the floor, staring, watching...

~~

I watched them as they passed me by.

I watched him.

He was with them, his friends. I was not one of them, never was I. They were built and whole, solid, even before I existed in the list of names they have heard. There was not any space in their circle for me even before I was known to them. And it seemed like they could not or would not make any, or maybe just 'not for me'.

But,

I used to be a part of his life,

or maybe that's just what I thought.

We used to talk. We used to share jokes and laugh together. We seemed to enjoy our moments with each other. When we could sit beside each other, walk and talk side by side, when we had time to be with each other.

We used to smile at each other whenever our eyes met. We used to greet one another whenever we stumble upon each other in the corridors of our school. We used to look happy enjoying each other's company. We used to exchange cheesy text and chat messages. I remember somebody told me how we looked good together. I was so happy. I was smiling all day.

I used to be really happy all those days... my days with him...

But the semester ended.

So were my happy days.

I did not want us to stop there.

I did not want it to end.

I did not want to lose what we had.

And I knew right then,

there are things I will never gain control over.

There were things I could not stop from happening as well as things I could not make happen.

Eventually, he changed.

He changed into someone I did not know.

I questioned myself,

but did I ever really know him?

Or was it all just my wild imagination?

"I didn't want to lose what we had.”?

Wait, what?

What was I even thinking about from the beginning? Or better say, what was I 'dreaming' about?

What was it that I was losing?

I did not even know for myself.

I have something in mind, but was that it?

I was not even sure.

Was there really anything?

Anything between us?

Were we able to build something during that one whole semester, acting happy and all?

The next semester started.

So was his performance of his new role.

A role I did not expect him to choose.

But he chose it.

He had control.

He chose it.

He did not care about how I would feel.

He did not care about me.

To my surprise,

he acted as if he never knew me.

It was our first day of school, it was a first semester, and for the first time,

my heart was broken...

Broken badly into tiny pieces, crushed, and destroyed. That was how it felt.

I used to think those heartbroken scenes in the movies were over-acted. It seemed so unreal, unreasonable, and unbelievable.

But when the bell rang,

I stood up immediately,
grabbed my heavy bag with one hand,

run my way out of that suffocating classroom,

locked myself inside a comfort room cubicle,

and lean my back on the wall.

My body was shaking.

Maybe it was not just pain;

somewhere inside me, I felt anger.

I clenched my fists, and started hitting the left side of my chest with my right, stone-hard fist.

My breathing was fast and hard,

my eyes locked gaze at nothing until it hurts.

Tears began coming out of the windows to my soul, I did not make a sound that could be heard by anybody -- but me.

It was all mine. The pain, anger, the deafening sound of my silent cry... all mine.

~~

I knew I was in love.

I have come to accept that fact.

Everything I felt was too much,

I almost could not handle it.

There were some times I did not really handle it.

I did things I later regret.

I thought this kind of love,

or maybe this kind of man,

it could make you crazy.

I have come to regret ever falling in love.

But I tried to comfort myself, trying to believe it was not really my fault.

I could not help it. He seemed to offer himself.

Everything was too good;

he appeared too beautiful in my eyes.

Unlucky me.

I guess, he was the wrong person. Not the one.

Not the right person I should offer all this love,

this love I never even knew I could give, before I met him.

~~

Years passed.

It is our last semester in this college now.

If we pass all our subjects, we are finally getting our business course degree.

The bell rang, our last subject ended.

I saw them.

I saw him.

I always do.

I grab all my chances to look and stare at him.

Maybe I am still in love, I thought,

because I am still in pain.

Every time I look at him, it still hurts like hell.

Like a piece of my heart is falling again.

I spent long nights putting it back together.

Even so, I still look at him.

Every time the bell rang, I searched for him.

I do my best to avoid his eyes, for I am afraid he would see through me if our eyes meet.

We do not talk nor greet each other anymore.

We walk pass each other without words.

We rarely smile at each other when our eyes met, to think our eyes hardly met since years ago. I found it hard to smile at him after everything that happened.

I watched his friends,

as they talk with him,

smile and laugh with him,

how happy they looked.

But more than that, I watched him,

enjoying his world without me.

They passed me by.

He passed me by.

I wanted so bad to confront him.

I wanted to ask him,

what happened?

what did I do?

what did I not do?

But no, I did not.

I just continue to watch him.

I just watched him.

~~~