I lost a parent

-------note:

A very long text ahead. Prepare tissues, you might need it. Don't expect for a literature because it happened in real life. I was just narrating to help me release some of the sadness that I bear.

Exactly 24 days ago, i lost my mom. I still can't even imagine she's long gone. She was my bestfriend, my confidant, my partner, my shopping buddy and my mom. I live with her under one roof longer than I did with my father, sine he works in UAE. I did everything single thing with her. She helps me pick which clothes I will purchase. She helps me pick what shoes I'll buy. In every purchase I made, I needed her opinion. We randomly eat out or order food online if no one bothers to cook. We randomly buy things we didnt need. We randomly shops for clothes if we have the time. We randomly stroll in the mall whenever we are bored. Now that she's gone, I do not know how will I live. My father will be leaving soon because he still needs to work since I'm a college student. He still needs to earn money to give me allowance, to pay for our house, to pay for bills. I admit, I am more close with my mom than my dad. I remember when I was little, I was daddy's girl but since he needs to leave for us to live a comfortable life, I became a mommy's girl. My mom was there during my elementary graduation. My mom was there during my first prom. My mom was there during my junior high moving up. My mom was there when I first had a special someone. I asked my mom her permission during my first date. My mom was there during my Senior high graduation. My mom was there during my first day of college. My mom was there during my 18th birthday. My mom was there during my first heartbreak. Everybody left me but my mom along with my dad stayed. She was the best mother in the world. I cant asked for another mother because she is and will always be the one. 

I was there when my mom started getting sick. I was there when she's in pain. I just wished I didn't went to school that day. The day when she told me, the tube connected in her body was removed. I wished I stayed with her that day. I never knew it was the last day that she will tell me she loves me. I never knew that was the last time I can hear her speak. I never knew that was the last time that I'l be able to kiss her warm and smooth cheeks. That very same night, I was supposed to study but I fell asleep. I woke up around 2:30 in the morning. I studied until 5:30 am. 

Exactly 6 am, my phone rang, it was my mom's number. My father told me "Dei, dont come to school", "I have exams later" I replied. "Your mom is 50/50, come here and take care of her with me", "o-okay, I'll just inform my prof that I cant come to school today" I replied while trying hard not to break my voice. My dad hanged up and I started crying. I cried for about 2 hours. I cried while taking a bath and while getting ready. I even wore my glasses so that my puffy eyes wont be noticeable. 

When I arrived, I was walking as fast as I can. I reached the room and as my aunt approaches me I started crying. She even shouted "Babes, your daughter is here." I even cried louder. A respirator was connected in her mouth, for her to be able to breath since she's having a hard time breathing. I stopped crying and I stared at her. My dad was not in that room, my aunt told me that she told my father to just meet me at the entrance so I can go to school. My father came asking where did I came from. 

The machine connected to the respirator was beeping so my aunt asked the nurses why. The nurse told her that my mom was biting the mouthpiece. I was there sitting in the corner of the room, staring at my mother. I was really trying hard not to cry again. I do not want to look weak in front of them. A nurse came in to add more dextrose that might increase her blood pressure. She didn't find any pulse. She even took her bp. Since she was having a hard time locating her pulse she asked for help. Nurses came rushing in the room. There's this nurse who brought a electrocardiogram or EKG. They connected this wires through my mom's body. That time, my aunt was blocking my view. While the nurses connects the wires I started to cry again. I think it was the head nurse who told another nurse to call for the internal medicine doctors, the surgery doctors and my mom's doctor that time. Doctors came rushing inside the room. Little by little, the room became crowded. 

My aunt was hugging me that time saying "your mom is fighting for her life, stop crying." My father walked towards us and they were encouraging me to go out of the room. I was shaking my head no. I did not want to go out of the room during that time. It was not in my intention to leave the room. They dragged me out. I calmed down a bit and when I did I asked for my mom's phone so I can contact my cousin. I called her a few times, I even texted her to come home already but she didnt reply nor answer my calls. I was spacing out, staring at the window. My grandfather was checking on me time to time. Until he approached me again and said "Dei...." and that time I fucking knew that my mom died. I ran towards the room, towards where my father is and started crying. I was shouting, crying and feeling weak all at once. I felt like the world just came crashing. I was devastated. My dad guided me so I can walk towards my mother. My knees were shaking and I was crying and shouting that time. When I reached my mother, I touched her hands. 

My father supported me as he guide me towards the other bed. To where I was sitting before everything happens. I was still crying and shouting, I even stomped my feet because I am mad and I am sad. I am mad because this shouldn't happen. I cant believe that time that I was in that reality. I was shouting and crying both my eyes and throat. I didn't care whatever the people around me say. 

Everything happened so fast. Even the news that my mothers dead spreaded too fast. My eyes was puffy that time. It was like I cried my eyes out. That very same day, one of my friend visited me. She didn't asked any question. She was there to just make me feel that I am not alone and I was thankful for that. Her wake happened so fast. On the first few nights I was unable to stay awake until morning since I'll be attending some of my classes to accomplish exams and activities. After I handled everything in school, I never went to school again. All day and all night I stayed beside my mother's casket. In the morning around 6 am I'll be sleeping in the chair near the casket. I never left her side unless I was instructed to. The wake happened so fast. Everyone who loves my mother came, even her exes which I am not aware of. I saw familiar faces. Even my classmates during highschool came. 

During the interment, I am also crying my eyes out. From the house walking towards the church. During the flower offering and the holy water. Even up to walking towards the cemetery itself. There was a moment in the cemetery where the casket is opened for the  last time. During that time, I cried loudly and shouted. I cried with all my hearts content.

This is day 24 and it is still heartbreaking. I still cry every single night. I am trying so hard not to let my half-brother and father hear me. I got no one to talked to. Most of the time I am hauled up in my room. I wrote this because my father will be leaving on Monday despite the enhance community quarantine. He will be leaving PH to work again. I do not know how I will survive now that my mom is gone and he will be leaving too. I do not know how I'll spend my day without talking to my mother. I dont know how Ill celebrate my success and achievement with my mom gone and father afar. I do not know how I'll celebrate my birthday, christmas eve and new years eve. 

I wish I said I love yous more to my mom. I wish I gave her more hugs. I wish I let her feel more that I love her. I regret being stingy towards that things. 

So if you're reading this if you love someone, tell them. Make everyone you love feel that they are important and you love them. Seize every moment you have because you'll never know if its the last time. Do not became like me who has regrets. Tell them since you still have yout chance. Take risks and never be afraid of the outcome because you might regret not telling them sooner. Love your loved-ones with all your heart and never break their heart. Give them importance. Choose love, always.