I really, really liked him

I really, really liked him.

A lot

I felt like everything was right whenever I saw him.

I felt alive for the first time and thought my soul was finally showing.

My insecurities temporarily left me.

I felt whole and could live life whatever way I want to

I couldn’t think of anything else but him, I painted for him, wrote poems for him, and even dedicated a story for him, honestly, what the heck was I thinking??

I liked all of him.

The parts I didn’t, I still liked in the end.

When I see him laughing weirdly I just think that it was cute.

When he sometimes dressed in fashionable but honestly didn’t suit him kind of clothes, I just thought that he was really, really cute and who cares about clothes when you’re in love, hahaha.

I thought about him a lot.

At recess, at lunch, at dismissal, and even while I’m on my classes

I couldn’t wait for school to end and finally look around for him.

I went over and over about all the chat conversations we had and I would feel embarrassed and just squeal like an idiot. I’d put my hands on my face or hop up and down to shake off the memory. Honestly, I must’ve looked really weird.

But I liked him.

There were times when I honestly felt like really seeing him because I missed him, and voila! God sent him right in front of me. Unexpectedly, unassumingly, he’s there. Just right in front of me as if he was meant to be there. Sigh, I made too much signs about everything coincidental.

Aaaaah, I really liked him a lot.

I was infatuated with him and if we had talk even more personally, I’d probably have fallen for him harder and harder until I was in love and couldn’t let go of him anymore.

Though things didn’t end that way, I still broke when I found out that he started crushing on someone else.

Woah, honestly, that was the first time I could feel my heart breaking and hear the shards. I could feel the pain and the blood around it as though it pierced me over and over again. It started with a small chink! in a little part of my heart and before I realized it, I was already breaking to pieces and pieces of me.

Wahh, it was hard. It was really, really hard to deal with the pain. I couldn’t understand why. Didn’t he told me that he didn’t like anyone and now, suddenly he’s crushing on someone? Why the heck was he stringing me along then? Why did he show me that I had a chance when I clearly didn’t? And even if he only wanted to be friends, you don’t fucking make friends with a person you know is infatuated with you. What the heck are you trying to do? Playing the nice guy and say that you didn’t have any other intentions? Just asked for plain friendship because you thought it’d be cool to be friends. And then, with that chill personality, you’ll just act chill, like yeah it’s normal to be crushed on by a lot of girls. Damn you! I didn’t want to be “a lot of girls” I wanted you to see me as me! More than anyone, I wanted you to notice me and you did but you noticed everyone else who had a crush on you too. It’s selfish of me, it’s unreasonable, but if you knew that you couldn’t do that then you should have fucking told me. I really, really liked you a lot and it really, really hurt when you were chatting with the girls who had a crush on you all at the same time while chatting with me. I looked like a freaking idiot in front of you and your friends, and I have no idea if you even cared!

I know you’re a good guy, I know you’re kind, I know you don’t want to be a bother to anyone, I know you value your friends, I know, I know, I know. Then, why?

I really, really liked you a lot.

And I so freaking wish I could tell you.

But now you’re with someone else and I can’t reach you anymore. All of a sudden you’re so far away and I’m left here with my hand reaching out, wanting you take it. But you fucking don’t. It’s not your fault, it’s not anyone’s fault.

No matter how infuriating it is, no matter how much I want to blame you, curse you, I know, I know, I know. It’s not your fault.

You simply didn’t fall in love with me.

I liked you.

I still like you.

But

Even though I feel like crying

Even though it hurts

Even though I want to try a bit more

Even though I don’t want to let go

I will

Because

Just because.