I secretly wanted to die

He flipped through the pages of my reports. I was able to see the sweat of tension on his forehead. Is something really wrong? I thought. Thinking will do no good for sure so I decided to let him do his work and to snap out of my thoughts I looked around the room. There was nothing interesting in the whole place but I saw some of the charts on medicine and diet plans. It sucks.

'Can we have a word?' The doctor finally looked at me.

'Yes!' I replied.

He asked my parents to wait outside. I sat there nervously with my hands fold tightly. I had some bad experience last time I was alone with a man and I surly was not over it yet.

'I know what you are thinking right now.' He said 'Trust me you are safe with me.'

He was quite young maybe 30 maybe 35 but was younger than most of the doctors I have encountered with.

'I am not thinking about anything,' I lied.

'I am good in detecting lies,' he giggles 'Well anyways.' he said and kept a pen and a paper in front of me.

'I heard you are good in playing with words,' He said.

'I choose not to comment,' I replied.

Suddenly the seriousness in his voice returned. 'What happened that day?' He asked.

'Which day?' I inquired pretending to be unknown of the known question.

'You know that better than I do,' he said. I looked aside I didn't wanted to talk about that day.

'I am not sure,' I said.

'I know you are not comfortable to talk about it, so I have offered you a pen and a paper to explain your grief,' he said and offered me the papers.

I took it and closed my eyes. I was all in front of my eyes once again I knew it hurts me every time I remember it but it was part of my treatment. I can't afford to lose more people around me.

'It was dark and his house was not far away from mine,' I started 'He called me around 7 o'clock I was in no mood to meet him but to end something forever you need to take a step forward. Little did I knew that it was the beginning of everything.'

'Say what you want to say,' I said.

'I thought you won't come,' he replied.

'I don't have time to waste in this conversation,' I said.

'I love you, you know that. Why don't you try to realize the seriousness of the situation?'

'Seriousness? The word don't suits out of your mouth. Two things, first: I love someone else and second: you are boyfriend to my friend. If second isn't important enough the first clearly is,' I said.

He came close and tried to explain the things further. I was in no mood to listen to him seriously in no mood. I pushed him aside and tried to leave, as soon as I turned back he held my hand and pulled me back. You are nothing but a slut. I was shocked at his words. The person who clams to love me was abusing me for rejecting him.

His hand were now hurting my soft skin. 'Let me go,' I said. I started to feel something in his eyes that was surly not love, my right hand was already injured in an accident the last day.

It soon turned worse after he pulled me close to him and held me with one hand. I tried my best to escape him but his hand were on me holding me firmly. I was really scared to think what will he be doing next. He stared to rub his hands on my hands and then on my shoulders. I was lucky he didn't started with somewhere else. I shouted to stop him but he slapped me to shut me up. Let me show you what you really deserve bitch. He tried to force me to the ground. But I was lucky enough to get my hand on something kept aside on the table. I was too scared to take a not of what it was. I took it up and banged it on his head. The impact was not enough to make him faint but he stepped aside out of pain.

I dragged myself out of the room and somehow managed to talk to my friend over phone. She came to pick me up in no time. I don't know how it was for her to listen all about her boyfriends attacking her friend out of lust.

I looked at her she looked shocked but didn't cried. Maybe she knew if she cried no one was there to aid my pain. Her tears will work as salt on my wounds.

'You okay?' She asked looking at my shaking hands. I lied. I wasn't okay not at all, I was thinking about my parents reaction upon this incidence. Should you tell them? Asked my inner self. No. A voice inside me proclaimed.

I decided to spend the night at Ruhana's house I can't afford to face my family. It was really strange feeling of running away from my own condition. I was really scared I was really broken from inside.

I got up from my place. I knew where Ruhana kept her sleeping pills. I decided to have two pills and sleep but anxiety took over me and I completed pills in a row. I didn't fainted immediately but I knew I will not survive.

'Kabir!' I whispered. I thought of him, I knew he will hate me for this, be ashamed of me. With shivering hands I texted him a goodbye note. My phone fell down as I hit the send button. I fainted but was lucky to have Ruhana making me puke out everything.

She managed to shift me to her bed, I was still unconscious but surly out of danger. Splashing water on my face she woke me up, I was shivering even more.

'What were you thing of?' she said holding my hands.

I didn't said a word or word didn't allowed me to use them right then. That night I hugged her tight and stayed awake.

Next morning I went home and locked myself inside my room, my parents were not suspicious about it I usually did it.

I thought about Kabir, the message I sent him last night, I was embarrassed about it. I picked up my phone, he read the text but didn't replied. That was something unusual. he usually texted me back, but some where I knew the reason of him ignoring my text.

'Sorry,' I texted.

'Are you out of your mind?' He replied. I said nothing but replied with an emoji 'What?' he texted.

'Ruhana's boyfriend tried to...' I replied.

'Seriously?' He texted 'Have you told your parents about it?'

'No,'

'Why?'

'I am afraid to tell them everything, I am afraid of their reaction.'

'Just go and tell them and then text me back.'

'But,' I texted but he didn't replied.

I got out of my room. Mummy was standing in the kitchen and I went close to her.

'Want something?' She looked at me.

I nodded my head and hugged her tightly. She hugged me back after she felt my tears on her shoulders. 'What's wrong?' She asked.

'I was manhandled,' I replied.

'Manhandled?' She looked shocked. She looked at my condition and understood what might have happened. I narrated her the whole story to my best, it was when she informed my father about it.

My cousin and father were ready to report the matter to the police but mom didn't looked eye to eye with their decision. I wanted him to be punished and not only warned and left on my mercy.

I wanted him behind the bars. It was two weeks after the incident and I was still not over it I left everything coaching classes, my school doctors said I was depressed. I was.

It took me a month to get out of it and Kabir was a great help in it. Of course I don't love him for no reason, he was always there for me. But the thing was not the end but a brutal beginning.'

I ended my story and handed over the paper to doctor. It took me 3 pages to complete the story but it took him less than 5 minutes for him to read it all. He raised a brow and looked at me. You wrote it?

'Yes, I wrote it in front of you didn't I?' I replied.

'What is love?' he asked me all of a sudden.

'Love is an emotion that you can't force to be two sided. If it happens it happens you have no control on it,' i replied. The doctor still looked shocked at me.

'What is pain?' he asked.

'Pain is something that develops inside you or outside you but the only difference is outside pain can be killed but inside pain kills you,' I replied.

'Rhea,' Doctor said. 'If another person who sat in front of me and didn't had a complaint about trowing things out of anger or cutting his own wrist out of irritation i wouldn't have minded it this much, you tried to suicide not once or twice but four time in a row when asked why you replied you were in pain.'

He was right I was in pain but I didn't knew what the pain was about, it was just something inside me which ate me from inside. I wanted to feel in reality than getting mad over it for. There were nights when I kept cried horribly without reason keeping one hand on my mouth to avoid my family questioning me what was wrong with me. I lost all my friends for my behavior I lost them all because I had no explanation why I was a muddleheaded all of a sudden.

But deep inside I wanted them to stay, I wanted them to show some care, I wanted them to understand I need them. But no one did, one after other everyone drifted away like sand.

Even Kabir had enough of our arguments and I can't blame him for that of course not only he but anyone don't deserve to face my mood swings. But I needed him every part of me did at the same time I wanted him to go like I wanted everyone else to leave.

Every time I argued with him I scratched my wrist with a paper knife, it pained but at least I knew what actually was paining.

Doctor looked at me and I was able to notice a kind of tension on his face. 'You are a bipolar,' he finally broke the ice.

'Bipolar?' I was in a complete shock, I knew what it was I knew what it can be. I knew that meant I will now be losing more people from my life and I knew the things are going to be worse in coming days.

'You know what it is?' he asked.

I nodded, i read about it somewhere but while reading it I never thought that one fine day I will be going through it.

Bipolar disorder. It is both a blessing and a curse, blessing because it enhance your creativity to another level and cruse because when you feel everything to a different limit pain is no exception. Bipolar Disorder is mood disorder. You wake up something in the morning and sleep somethings completely. It has three parse manic, hyper manic and depressive. Manic is a parse when you are really very enthusiastic about everything around you, you work twice more than your capacity and after all the day's work you are still not tired, hyper manic don't play so much importance in the progression of bipolar but you are a normal person during this parse.

The really problem starts when you step in depressive parse. It's like you give yourself the same treatment that a devil give people back in hell. You can't stand even a minor argument but you want to argue you want to stop yourself but you can't and people can't ever understand what you are going through.

Doctor prescribed me some medicine and a few tests. Out of them were some anti depressions. What wrong did I do to face this? Tears covered my whole face.

'Water?' my sister asked.

'No,' I said shaking my head 'Meera,'

'Yup,'

'Can I hug you for the whole night?

'What?' She said.

'I need someone,' I said and broke down in front of her. That night she held me tight and I tried my best to sleep but my anxiety didn't allowed me to take a nap.

'Good morning' Kabir texted me. I failed to figure out why was he still so humble to me? After all I did to him, but I knew our relation had stained and no more that that sweetness left in it. No more good morning kisses no more good night kisses. Snap out of it he isn't your boyfriend. I replied him and kept my phone aside.

I looked up at the ceiling. If I quit my classes I will fail this semester. I was paying for a mistake I never had committed and the person who committed it was preparing for his boards. I wanted to read but words were out of my mind within an hour of study. 'I will fail,' I said to myself.

My condition become worse day by day. I didn't knew how to handle people around me. There was argument between me and my friends everyday, they thought I was irritating them little did they knew I was hollow from inside. My disorder was eating me for inside.

Kabir and my friendship was straining and so was my soul. I wanted everyone to go but I wanted them to stay. How long is this going to last?

Kabir didn't knew no one did not even Meera. For them I was just different but non of them knew what was.

I have to tell them. Will they understand? I had no other option but to explain them all the shit out of my situation.

It was the day when the doctor decided to shift me in a rehab center situated in Delhi when I called Kabir to explain him everything but all I could utter was a sorry. I had no courage to make those searching eyes asking foe more, neither was I brave enough to take that smile away from his face.

Later I decided to text him trying to explain him everything but the more I tried the more things got complicated. What should I tell him? One day I will be laying on my own blood because my frustration about life and people killed me? It took him time to understand me and I am sure he didn't yet got the point but he understood I was into something bad.

Back in things were worse I was in hell with all those forced injections running down into my veins to calm my attacks down to those shock treatment to resist my further suicidal thoughts I was done with all of this.

I wanted to escape from all this the tortures life was giving me was hell for me, the people I loved hated me because they had no idea about how scattered I was or about how painful it was to feel everything so deeply. I secretly was wishing to be dead. my frustration took over my senses and I was taken over by my anti depression pills. Kabir was my soul and every time I fought with him he was drifted away from me. We were no more like we were. Close friends. I spent my days in the rehab trying to isolate my from my problems but it did no good and to add fuel to the fire my anti depression addiction was getting worse.

'Hey,' Kabir texted me.

'Hey,' I replied.

I wanted things to get better than it was. That day we carried our conversation till late night it was after day we talked for so long and peacefully.

'M sorry,' I finally said.

'For?' He asked.

'My behavior,'

'I have already forgiven you for everything,'

Those word were like thousands of anti depressions straight into my guts. Everything looked vivid once again, everything was new once more.

'You need to sleep now,' he said.

'Hmm...' I replied and wished him a good night.

That the problem with my suffering even a small thing made me too happy to handle my excitement and when the excitement was about Kabir forgiving me the happiness could be multiplied like one into infinity.

The next morning I had a call from the doctor to see him for the discussion of some reports I was really happy that day and for a minute it seemed to me that my happiness made it tough for the doctor tell me the outcomes of my reports.

'What is it doctor?' I asked.

'You liver and kidney both had being adversely affected by those anti depression pills and the other medicinal overdose.' he replied. 'that could be change but your blood is now a mixture of pills, nicotine and more over the phenol you drank in attempt to kill yourself.'

I stood there dumbstruck. 'It's not your fault,' he continued. 'People don't have control over themselves when they get attacks, don't even blame yourself it will only add on to your pain.'

I looked down. How will everyone react on loosing me? Will they cry? Will anyone care as I had being so rude to people around me?' Tears rolled down from my eyes for a moment I even forgot Kabir and cried like a two year old little baby.

It was not my fault at all, it was me who was manhandled, it was me who was called slut, it was me to face everything wrong after that night and the person who did this to me was living happily and now it was me who will die.

Will Kabir feel anything? I was not sure about it. I was nothing for him but my dead? I didn't knew if that will make a space in his heart.

'Give it to him the day I won't be able to move anymore,' Meera sat beside me crying. I can't even tell her not to. It was giving me a hope that people won't forget me after I am gone at least she won't.

I decided to write it down in my diary for people to know I was not that bad it was only my condition that made me worse and for Kabir to know how much did I really loved him. The end page of my diary said. I knew I will live no more when I vomited more blood than present in my veins. Keeping the diary right beside my pillow I took a deep breath and that day I slept forever.