The seawater hugs my feet. I smile out of amusement. My feet look clear now, pale under the water. What if I submerge my whole body? From toe to head? Would it also clear my thoughts? Or stay here at the bottom of the sea, would it clear my thoughts? Thoughts that consume my energy, my happiness, and my life day by day. What if I drown myself here now? It's far better than falling from a rooftop, suicide poisoning or over dose, slitting my wrists, and hanging myself. I would die here, (there'dn't be much pain,) to stop the pain.
For once, I pause and look around. I see people enjoying the view of the ocean, some are playing with their families, while others are eating. They're all happy and among them is me, thinking about dying. I'm perfectly invisible, I go around unnoticed. At times, I thought that was a curse but now it has become a gift. I could die by now, with no one trying to stop me.
I remember my mom and how she told me that I must talk my problems out to people, to her. "It's your fault. You have to talk it out to me because if you don't, you would hurt yourself. You can't carry all the pain alone. Talk to me." I saw hurt in her eyes that time. She was hurting because of me. Because she failed to understand me. 'It's not your fault, Ma. It's mine. It's me. I am sorry but I can't even figure out my problem. I must be the problem.'
My father, who is very much like me, also came to my mind. 'Pa, please forgive me for not showing you how much I love and care for you. The words that I omitted, I hope to be able to tell you them but I think I won't be able to. Please hold on and take care of mom. I'm sorry I can't be as strong as you.'
"You post so much about depressing things. Are you depressed? You know you can always lean on me. Please talk to me, just know that I'm always here. I'll be waiting for your text. L."
His message suddenly crosses through my mind. Christmas eve, as I've just updated my blog. I am not sure as to how he found out about my posts and account. I was kind of thinking that no one else was reading them but me.
He sent me messages after I did not reply to his first text. "Hey." "you asleep?" "You're still on." "Halooo" "talk to me" "i'll call you."
And that last message terrified me. "Don't call." I immediately replied.
I could not talk it out to him even after him asking me about what was wrong. I ended up sending him a poem.
"When you feel the need to take out water from your body
When the tears flowing doesn't even seem enough of a release
When you have to scream your voice inside
"I'm sorry," you say.
When you only have to cry it out
When you can't even seem to find a reason to talk it out
When you start having so many doubts
"Please don't cry."
When you take a walk alone at night
Looking for places where you can shout
Not minding the cold air gushing seemingly through your veins
"I'm tired," you cry.
It's the sixth week now
Even your tears have stopped
When everything seems to be giving up
"Shouldn't I give up too?" You asked.
The smile on your face on the 112th day
Just trying to convince yourself
Trying to think that you would be okay
"It hurts so much," you say.
After a week, you think it's gone
You're feeling nothing now
Even the ceiling seems beautiful at times
For you stare at it all day and night.
You've cried enough
You've felt enough
You've asked so much
You've seeked too much.
"It's easy to talk about the end.
It's hard to actually end.
I only have myself to blame
I'm the one who causes the pain."
"I've done enough, right?"
"Please, stop the pain."
"I need you, I don't want to die."
"It's too much, I want to die."
Still, you are afraid
You try to hold on for some time
There must be hope somewhere
"Tomorrow, it would be okay."
However, the pain did not end
People still don't care
All they can do is empathize
Even though you are dead inside.
The stars are gone by now, they must be hiding
Did you tell them you were dying?
The skies are dark as it is raining
The heaven and us are all crying."
I turned my phone off after sending him that. I slept that night peacefully for some reason I did not reason out to myself.
I'm back to the water, the present. It's getting dark now. Sunset is approaching. I'm getting to the end of the day. Closer to the deeper water. The day is ending. I am closer, closing, ending.