"I watched myself die"

All my life I have prepared myself for my destiny. A future filled with music and harmony...

 Learning new ways to connect everyone with this melodic poetry every single day. 

That one day, I'd stand on the stage with the smile on my face and a song that corresponds with my pace, sharing it to her audience like a grace... 

Until that one day... 

Where everything came crashing down... 

Like glass falling to the ground... 

Shattering into pieces, hard and loud... 

Then softer... 

Then more softer...

A lot more softer... 

Softer... 

Softer... 

Then came oblivion. 

I was crying and shouting. But I heard not a thing. I tried calling my mom, dad and everyone. Yet, I see their mouths moving but I don't hear a thing. 

What happened? 

What have I done to deserve this? 

All the years, all the melodies... 

They're all gone... 

This sensation came rushing to me, a more genuine touch of torture saying hi to me. 

This excruciating pain of loss... Much more painful than those wounds I had with those biking sessions with dad. It was a lot more painful. 

Music was my passion... My everything... 

Music has always been with me through thick and thin, in times when everything gets rough, and it's always there to congratulate me in my upperhands, when I feel sad and empty, when I just want to dream, dream, dream... 

Now music became a dream... Never to come true... 

Like those dreams I had when I was a little girl.

With a blink of an eye, like God pressing my remote control to mute, everything became on mute. 

It's like I'm deaf. 

Oh wait... 

I am deaf... 

Never to hear my friend's laughters, my little brother's whining, my parent's scolding, the guitar's plucking, the clock ticking, and my favorite songs playing... 

It's like I'm dying. 

Should I call this the living death or something? 

Maybe I can get used to this. Since I'll be carrying this my whole life. 

How doomed am I? 

The following days, weeks, months and years became a lot more like hell for me, living hell to be exact. 

It's like I'm watching myself die... 

Die... Die... Die...

I should die, I'm totally useless now. 

Here's the knife, here's the gun, here's the rope, here's the drug... 

Yet,  I don't want to leave my dearests crying for my selfish act.

Oh well, what else can I do? 

Nothing... Exactly, nothing. 

But...

I had something left. 

Wait... Let me rephrase it. 

Some things left.

This voice... My voice. She haven't left me.

The vibrations on the ground, I can still feel them. 

The sceneries in front of me, of course! I can still perfectly see them. 

Then it came to me... 

Work with what you've got. 

I can still do it, God still left these for me. Tools that I can use to persue my dream. 

Maybe, I don't need to hear anything.

I can still do it,  can I?

I can rely on my memories that I cherished and nurtured all my life.

Here we go...

Go...

Go...

I can do this...

I waited for this all my life.

I'm not gonna let this bring me down.

Not today, tomorrow or ever in my whole life... I will finally stand and continue my destiny.

I feel so nervous...

But I must not be afraid.

I'm a bird and I will fly...

Oh my God.

I can see them clapping.

Their applause... It feels warm in my heart.

Somehow, though I haven't stepped the future I always wanted to have, it seemed like I soared to a much more better place in the sky.

Wow...

Even if I can't hear their bravos, claps, and cheers, I still feel so happy. Nothing feels much better than this.

Dearest God I thank you for this wonderful ladder you placed for me.

At first I thought it was a hurdle.

I was wrong...

I was not dying.

I was not watching myself die.

I was watching myself being born again...