It was fun

After everything I thought I've had worse than most of the people I know, this year was really something. Something that affected me greatly so that I felt cornered every single day in my dark thoughts. It was suffocating. At some points, I wanted to stop breathing.

It was one hell of a year - 2017. 

I thought, a long time ago, I already had figured out the plot twist of my lifetime's story. I was wrong. I was definitely wrong. No matter how far ahead I've tried to predict of my future, the things that happened this year was out of what I concurred.

In the beginning of the year, I was frustrated with the results of my academic performances. Gradually, my results were decreasing and it was nowhere near saved. There was too much stress and too much pressure from the weight of more than nine family households on my shoulders. It was difficult to pull off and I failed a few courses. So I had to retake them another semester and I lagged behind watching the backs of my colleagues going further ahead of me. I felt scared to be alone. I felt scared to be behind of my own batch. But that normally happens in college, it's nothing to cry about. It was definitely not impossible to catch up to them.

In the middle of the year, I met many new interesting people both in person and online. They made me forget some of my big problems for a while, but most of them remind me of huge scars and unfinished businesses. Whenever I see or hear about these people, the past flashes before my eyes and the haunting memories drowns me deeper and deeper into this dark, empty abyssal plain in the ocean. Just when I realize how much I was out of breath and in a past I couldn't get out of, my head spins and I could only wait for someone to bring me back to reality. It wasn't easy. To be so unfocused in anything I did, I couldn't make any progress. Not in college, not in the organization I pledged with huge responsibility, not the complicated relationship I have with my family, not the unrequited love I had for seven years, not the expectations of the people who knew me, not my health, not anything else. I was completely losing function. I became a dummy who kept waking up and going to places with a blank mind and feeling nothing. No, there was one emotion I held on to - sadness. And even when I felt that way, my body instinctively behaved otherwise. I kept trying to smile. I kept running around for people who gave me orders or favors. I kept answering people's questions even if I didn't know the answer. I kept living even though I wanted to stop. Time, it is not a healing; it is a punishment to me. But people say that when I learn to manage it, it becomes a great ally. I tried but it rejected to be managed by me. Things just didn't work out like I wanted it to. And I knew that this still normally happens to other people.

There were a lot of days when I heard of someone who died, someone who went off and killed themselves. Some of them were known to the world, people recognize their names from every corner of the globe. There was Chester from Linkin Park and Jonghyun from Shinee. Some of them committed suicide an island or buildings nearby the place I was standing. There was that international student from a well-known school near ours. There was that mechanical engineering student from another region. Some of them are also just fictional characters. No matter who they were, the fact that no one could save them, tempted me to go follow them. Still, I tried not to fall into that despair. There were still things I wanted to do.

But I was already tired. I kept wanting to attempt and when I do, I cannot resist the waterworks. Other than academics, of course there were other things that kept pulling my gravity down to the Earth. Everyday, it gets harder and harder for me to even just get up from the bed. Those burdens were too heavy and I lost myself. I wanted to get rid of myself. I thought about it over again what was the purpose of living when days will continue to suck like yesterday. Not even words from friends and strangers could calm me. But I appreciated at the very least they tried. I was grateful that they would even listen to me ramble almost every minute. 

There were plenty of times when eating breakfast was no more. Sometimes, I couldn't even have energy to eat lunch or dinner. My insomnia got worse, so did this depression. Couldn't get enough sleep, couldn't get enough satisfying meals, couldn't get enough rest. I wasn't financially broken but I still had a tight budget. I think my psychological state was at it's limit and I became this really pitiful person. I hated this year so much. I had enough.

December came. I've been sick every other day. On the small cases, I get colds and coughs. Sometimes, it worsens to headaches. There were also times I would almost pass out but I keep myself standing. There were days when I felt like an old granny who had weak bones. Worst cases were when I get a fever or my tonsillitis acted up again. Maybe that was me who didn't give a care of what my health would become. Maybe it was that point when I wanted to have a reason to rest in the dormitory and just sleep the pain away. All I knew was that not only my mind, but also my body got tired. Then I thought it's fine if I'll continue to become sick. "I wouldn't care if I ended up dead the next day anyway." I lied and said bad things to my already sick self. It was aggravating.

At the last month of the year, I wanted to lay low. But this was also the month when my friends and I schedule our annual reunions. My friends were my treasures; if I was in such a horrible state, I would still set that aside and go to meet them. Friends always came first to me. They are those people who I consider to be my strings attached to this ground. They are not letting me go anywhere, not hell or heaven. When I see them, I want to continue whatever kind of life I am having. They give me a reason to stay. But then, distrust came knocking at our doors and some of them betrayed that friendship. The people whom I trusted the most misjudged me and another of our friend, they accused us for something we didn't do. We tried to tell the truth but they pushed us back and marked all of it as "lies". Unbelievable. Moreover, this continued before, on, and after Christmas day in two or three weeks. They were like a last hope to me and we're all falling apart. I was going insane. Another trauma from the past came back to me, it was itching me to do something I don't ever want to do. I cried every night, I didn't want them to make me think of such things. But as they were unfair to me and hurting my also good friend, I had to remove them from playing a role in my life. Before I did that, with my uncontrollable state, I also hurt the people around me in turn. I made two other people want to kill themselves because I directed my anger towards them that came from something else. I almost lost two lives that day and I couldn't bare to find myself as a good person. It was too much. The people who continued to become a resemblance of my agony and my wrath, I scratched them out of my book. I no longer knew this people. I would only stay friends to those who choose to stay with me. Never again should I make a mistake trusting too much on other individuals. 

And so, before this year ends,

I'm writing this to myself 10 or 20 years from now.

"Dear self,

Don't over exert yourself. Whatever you did from this year, do not ever regret those choices you made. Be strong. Don't let people treat you as a random shit anymore. Don't let yourself get fooled and walked all over. Don't become a slave to those who abuse their positions or status in the society. Don't surround yourself with people who wouldn't even believe your true words. 

This year was enough. You had enough, that's why you cut your ties from them, right? Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You protected yourself while you were out of control - that's really amazing. And you are not alone, remember? You had your one true friend stay by your side until this day of the year. She cried with you, fought with you, listened to all your complaints in this load of crap. Protect her, you can trust her. She's the greatest friend you could ever have. Never let people hurt her in front of you ever again. Make sure she stays safe and that she won't regret her choices from this year too. Both of you deserve happiness for being brave and honest. Forget those people who ruined you both. They do not deserve you. 

Forget them and live on. Don't give up on life. 

Continue writing. Write your heart out as you had on this day. Keep fighting. Thank all those people who supported you. Thank all the people who stayed. You will be fine. You will become stronger after everything you've been through. 

Time will not flee, take their advice and learn how to make it as your ally. No, actually, by the time you read this again, you should already no how to manage it. Only spend it with the people who need you and the people you need. Don't waste it on bastards and bitches like you did this year.

I hope the year you're in when you read this is definitely better than 2017. If ever it's worse, then remember how bravely you and your friend ended this. You're nowhere near perfect so accept your flaws. Find your strengths and take advantage of it for your own good. You can be selfish, you can cry, you can get mad, but I hope in whatever you decide, you'll be happy in the end.

Christmas may never be the same like how you celebrated it before this year happened. But forgive yourself for being only human. Remember how this plot twist of 2017 changed you. Remember how it made you feel how the system is too biased. Take your pen, start on a new story. One hopefully with a better ending.

It was fun, Luna."