Unforgiven

Easy to say than done.

I tried for months now trying to forgive someone who made me think badly of myself, asking the question:

"Did I live only to be treated this way?"

They were my best friends, the only people who could have understood my pain. But they used that pain against me and discarded me. Then I felt alone and hated again for doing something I hoped was right.

I was told to not give a care of what they do in their lives. I was only concerned as their friend. I only thought of ways how to help them, I haven't even acted on it yet. And yet they assume that I judged them.

I have never even once thought of their flaws as insufferable; I never judged who they were. They were the friends who kept me trying to live and wake up everyday. Whoever and whatever they were as a person, they were my strength. There was no way I could do something as low as to think badly of my friends. Especially, because they gave me a reason to stay put on this world.

But they did what they did.

Called me a judgemental person and a "how dare you" kind of friend when I haven't really done anything like they said I did. Ironically, it was their judgement what was biased.

I cannot keep praising these people. I cannot keep boasting to others that I have such friends. It was too much for me to take and way too hard to forgive.

When I wake up on the next days, I now feel empty. I don't have enough reason to move, I get tired. But because there are strings attached to this body, manipulated by people who force me to be someone I'm not, I continue to function as a dummy. And now I have developed an anxiety of making new friends.

I wanted to forgive them, but as I thought, I almost died of suffocation. Can't risk myself getting burnt twice the intense pain. If I was ever going to forgive them, I may not go as far as to have them as my friends again.

After two months of going off on my own with only having as much of the remaining people I trust, I try not to seek absolute acceptance. No one is ever that willing to stay with you.

People come and go.

And when they do go, if that's what they chose, let them go.
If they stay, then you will find out who really has faith in you and if they really do care for you.

The next questions you should ask yourself:

"Can you forgive them?" "Are you willing to forgive?"

"Will you risk yourself getting burnt again when their fires start to rage?"