It's My Friend.

School just started. It's the season where every freshman longs to find a good circle of friends and stay with them until the end of their school journey. They don't need temporary people, the want lasting companions. And just like everyone in the room, I too searched for some that I might find worthy to befriend.
And yes I've found the two of them. A bubbly girl and a trying-hard-to-be-mature guy. Let's call her Alice and him Brandy. Be it circle or triangle-- I don't care whatever shape we make as long as we're together. We're all happy. We face struggles along with others, but it's 10 times better when I finish the battle with them. We cry together, laugh together, win and lose together as a group. Every time I talk to Alice, I am always carried away by her vivaciousness. And when I talk to Brandy, I always feel illuminated and I acquire new things from his wisdom. He's nice. She's nice. They're nice. They give me different shades of emotion, and it's really a worthy adventure.
But some things must be taken care of individually, and some feelings have to be felt alone.
There was a time in my life that I needed to distance myself from these people. It's not because they did something bad to me. I just felt I needed space. Actually, no. I 'really' needed space, because I found myself on sleepless nights and only think about Brandy. Am I too lonely? All I want was companion, a circle to belong with. But why must I feel this irrelevant emotion? Is this also a part of the adventure? What would Alice think about this? I only see uncertainty.
That's why after I took a good break without my circle knowing the reason why, I came back trying to forget my feelings and acted as though nothing's bugging me.
I still haven't gotten over it, and I feel Alice has already noticed the feelings I'm trying to ignore and maybe Brandy knew it as well. But nobody dared to speak about it until one day, when we're just having a normal conversation and everything seemed so fine. We've been talking about some life topics and Brandy seems to enjoy giving away lots of existential questions to screw me and Alice. I love hearing these things from him though it makes my head hurt.
When we finished the dialogue, Alice suddenly blurted out, "You guys are a perfect match." I looked at her with a questioned face before looking at Brandy and then looking away. It's kinda embarrassing spouting topics like that when we're enjoying the time of our lives today.
It took a moment of silence before Brandy replied with a question, "Why?". I've never been this embarrassed before, knowing that this guy beside me doesn't give a damn about love. He thinks he's a robot. An intelligent one.
"Because she likes questions and you want answers." She answered, which made the circle dead silent. It was pretty awkward to hear that, and I had to go to the rest room to cool down my burning cheeks.
My feelings were pretty obvious given how I acted during that scene, and honeslty I thought nothing would change, because as I mentioned earlier, Brandy's a machine.
But I thought wrong. Something did changed.
He's avoiding me now. All the talks and all the questions are gone. There's only the answer. He doesn't like me. And I accepted that, and more than accepting that I knew this would happen from the start, because he had always said he never fell in love. And I won't be any different.
I felt pain, of course. But it didn't matter. Because the worse scenario made me burst silently. He's getting closer to Alice. Just like a gentleman who seems to be interested with a lady. It's like he wanted to know her more.
Maybe it's my fault? Because I also avoided him after the confrontation, well, not to the extent that I didn't talk to him anymore, but just to the point where I would talk to Alice in the circle more than him.
In the present, I, Alice and Brandy are still together. But I don't know if we are still the circle I hoped to belong with in the first day of class, or are we already in a love triangle and it's because of me? We never brought the same topic since then, but we are all just aware-- something changed.
I will always love to be with them. I want to struggle with them, to laugh, to hurt, to love with them. I don't want to lose them both. That's why I am fine. I would appreciate if Alice and Brandy ask me what's going on, but all I can say is  "nothing's wrong." Because I know if I speak about this irrelevant emotion, this unwanted feeling, the times I spent with them will crumble like a broken dream.
That's why I'll forget this illusion. And I'll be happy for Brandy when he finally says he's in love with someone, because that girl is my friend. Yeah, it's my friend.

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Hi!

Love, Van James