the last letter i wished

I can't help but think of you tonight. Sometimes, it surprises me that I still do. Sometimes, it doesn't anymore. The fact that my thoughts linger with memories of you, I wonder if there were times you've noticed it.

I wonder if you have caught my eyes capturing every angle and every edges of your alluring face.
I wonder if you ever find my texts annoying just to get your attention and spend a fraction of your time.
I wonder if you despise me every time I rant about all these little boys only for you to realize you're way better than them.
I wonder if you ever had thoughts of me that keeps coming back before midnight strikes like the way it is to me.
I wonder if all these wonders are true because for each day that terrorises my head, another what-if draws me into you.
And I can't imagine doing this for the past 8 years, where even the end of this all will still be a wonder in my head.

It's tiring. But this what keeps me moving.
A stolen gaze when you're not looking.
A simple tactic to keep us talking.
A secret way to tell you you're worth it.
A silent cry of 'I love you' even when I know I shouldn't.

But it amazes me that with all of these wonders, there is one thing for sure.
It is not me.

It will never be me.