Lazy afternoon

The AC was turned off and so did my shivering but a minute later I was close to sweating so I turned back again to the table fan next to my table. The laptop held the desktop open for a very long time now as my mind drifted away. It usually does in lazy afternoons as today. And so as to blow it away sooner this time the internet connection went off. It made me realise how we become handicapped without this social web. This being not just social web though, it is also ocean of opportunities if you are searching for it, ocean of knowledge if you seek it and just random tabs if you have no motto.

The tree outside the office window swayed as the yellow leaves went along with the wind but I did not feel it neither the blow of smooth wind in my hair nor the freedom of the leaves. What I felt was a perpetual feeling of being caged. But was I chained? No of course not. I had my free will to walk out and feel the breeze, twirl under the yellow shower. But I did not. It was like I was punishing myself for something which even I was not sure. At this point you might think that I am a very indecisive person.

I find myself at a stage where I need 10 people’s consent before taking any decision about my life and I am very much an adult now. This is contradictory to my belief of how an adult life would be. When I was in school I could not wait to join college and be on my own. The plans that I had!

The number of chocolates I would eat every day, the places I would visit on my own, the parties that I would attend and here I am still the same as I was before. The only difference is I am bigger in size, I don’t get to sit on the swings at parks else I have bare those gazes, I can buy liquor though which I didn’t try yet and now people call me immature.

As a child the image of adulthood was someone who knows what they are doing, just happens to know the right decision to make – a perfectionist who could never go wrong. Yes, my perception was that wrong. Now, you can maybe imagine the blow I faced when I turned 19 and none of the above happened to me. I get to decide about my life on my own. If I ask for suggestions, I do get some but it ends with “you have to decide for your own though” or “what do you want actually”.

I wonder what I want. Isn’t it the fame, name, money and satisfaction that everyone wants? Of course I do have dreams but dreams needs cash right? And for cash you need job, for which you need degree which brings me back to the cabin I am working in. I’ve opened my workspace and linger there just for a bit more. Half an hour and I would be into it I promise myself. The notebook besides me gets some doodling done and facebook feeds gets refreshed again. I live a life of procrastination where the night hours are fill with adrenaline rush in me where I plan a perfect tomorrow and the day after and after. I sleep and then it is the same day. This suddenly makes me ponder over my interest in my work. But I find it interesting, don’t i? I ask myself and I get a resounding yes.

The autumn has set in and that indicated how the months have slipped past. I straighten my back and pull up my collar. Time to get some work done. Someone opened the window and I feel the wind brushing my hair. I close my eyes and I can’t help smiling.