Letters to Peter, the Seafarer

Five years had been coarse between us, you and I living in different world parts. I don't know if you always think of me, but I to you, there is never a blink of an eye without me in search of you:

Days passed when an uninvited realization arrived at my doorstep: I have loved too much that I do not know how I'm going to love myself back. I tried and tried to get you out of my life but the more I resisted, the more I tortured myself, the more tears fell from my eyes.

Because it's still you who's making me whole and blind...

"I woke up today and you're not the first person that came to mind but it's your face that followed after. The whole day and afternoon, I spent it just thinking: "I must not have feelings for you anymore. No." But as I close my eyes tonight and sleep, I hear this
love song I used to sing for you so I jump out of bed and open my
window. I'm gazing at the sky without stars and trying to search you in my heart. It still is heavy. But I can't say it's love. I can't."
---letter 10/31/13

I am just crying as relentless as the night, facing a blank wall that will not judge my heart. It is never a crime to feel much love but for seconds I agree because it's giving me thoughts of suicide. I always wake myself up on mornings with worn-out eyes. Thankful enough that I have survived another night of emotional crusade. I walk to school like a zombie in my hated horror movies, step into premises, smiling like crazy. Laugh the whole day, take down notes, solve problems and meetings till midnight ruse.

"I smile all day facing everyone who loves me but by the time they leave, I can't keep myself from smiling all the way and think of the happy things. I keep coming back, because I keep coming back to you, to that time when my whole world stopped moving and in just a single second, all my plans of how to make you the happiest man alive broke into pieces, like millions of puzzle I'm very good at. But this time, I don't have the confidence to put them back together for I know in the end, I'll just end up hurting myself again." ---letter 11/20/13

Just tiring myself out for the sake of not recalling your face, your text, your rejections that make my knees break.

"The day I begged you to come back but you never turned around. I was doing every little and big things like a 'normal' person, but I always end up lifeless without humane reason."

It's always been the same for me.

I'm divergent, am I not? Just your ugly variance...

"I know that "I miss you" and it hurts everyday suffering this three-word-phrase. I don't want to say them out loud despite my heart screaming it for the longest time. My suppressed tears instead one by one fall onto my cheeks, block my eyes that's making me purblind. I hate that I'm honest, hate that I'm emotional. I hate myself because I treasure you. I can't understand why I can't forget you." ---letter 11/02/13

The moment I step out of school grounds, the reality sucks me deeper, the world weighs upon my shoulders and a newly- sharped knife finds its way through my heart, pierces me, causes a great well inside me. Tiny creatures whining beside my ears, convincing me to jump and live in my forever beautiful dreams- dreams that only consist of you and me. Where the night sky is always more colorful than day, but now it seems to be darker than what I am burning alive.

"I'm becoming downright crazy, am I becoming sick? I see you everywhere, in thin air, feel you against the wind, totally everything I come across! At this very moment, there's no one that can make me more desolate than you. There's no one that can make me
angrier but you. There's just no one that can compare to you. Youu did not fail to taint my heart with all the unfortunate things in love and I should be cursing you by now.

And yet,
there is also no one in this world who can me the happiest, no one but you. What exactly is it that I want from you?" ---letter 11/01/13

I can't even look at the star that guided you to me, I can't bear to look at the sky watching over you and me. The fact always dawn, that we are breathing under one roof and yet you chose to close your eyes whenever you see my outline.

"Like a small girl that dreams of her prince charming in white horse, my fairytale also started with countless dreams. I was seeing you throughout the nights then the whole day, and
loving you more and more each day. I was dreaming that all our happy moments will end up in a happily-ever-after, praying that we will be together. Forever. Hoping, hoping, hoping, hoping, hoping even after waking up that it's still not the end. That you still have not ended it. But the Truth has already written a period on the latest chapter of our story." ---letter 11/03/13

Why did we come to this point?

How did we arrive to this situation?

What is 'love' for you?

Why did you say you love me too?

Only to leave me...when problems occurred.

"I don't know anymore where I can find my next happiness. I got used to having you in my little world for the past years, and I was very grateful and happy. Tell me, how did I change this
much? You refined every little and big things in this projected life. I don't know anymore, my way home. I'm now afraid to walk alone without you by my side." ---letter 11/11/13

I've always feared the sea since I was little and now I found the reason why. I fell in love with a man who deeply adores her and unfortunately, it is her that you exchanged me for. It is the sea that you chose over me. It is love that drowned me, but it is her that drawn me near my water phobi. And with your decision, she gladly took you to a farther place until you can't remember your old way back to me. As much as I like to run after you, what could be my reason? You never gave me the chance. Did you promise me? No. Did you tell me of your plans? No. Did you tell me of how much you love me? No. Did you say you love me? No. But what have I done? I told you of the whispers of my heart. Did my honesty work? No. Didn't I say I love you? Didn't I say I will wait for you? Didn't I say I was born for you? Did I not say "Happiness is living by your side and dying by your side?" Yes, I never felt tired reminding you.

That you- are loved and valued...

"It seems my heart no longer beats for you, or is it just my wild
imagination? There is a very big hole in my chest. It seems a part of me is dead. All I hear is silence, endless silence. Beautiful Soul, twice mine then gone. My soul is now in low fire, I wish I can die right now or be eaten alive. Or get revive again so that I can start a new life, if only God will qualify." ---letter 11/05/13

But I know you love the sea. You want to be Popeye and I dreamt of being Olive, but this is just my childish fantasy.

"I opened my old facebook account with a little hope that you message me but all I saw was your last cold message dated months ago. This is better, less painful than you giving me
promising words. No message on yahoo either, nor posts from people near you. Again, this is better. Thank you. I feel void." ---letter 12/09/13

"I've always wanted you,

I've wanted to marry you..."

It was my dream after college of proposing, to give you a ring made of floss or flowers. Hah! I wished to tell you how much I love you while we're at the boulevard. As we watch the birds go by, the sunset reflecting my sincere eyes, my grand speech in flawless delivery as I rest upon your shoulder, imagining what our future will bring.

"I just realized it today and felt it straight that everything you said and made me feel were lies. Never love. All your texts and sweet pretensions were just so you could mend my childish brooding. I kind of hope that everything did not happen, that I only loved you without asking." ---letter 12/10/13

I had hoped to talk to your family about our plans of building our own family and the estimated day we're going to marry.

"Scents of Home." ---letter 12/23/13

I only desired you in my life, I can't imagine holding another person's hand and be another person's wife. I only prayed to have you close and no one else, it's just you who I would love to lie down on bed and rest. I love you and loved you. I sincerely am in love with you.

But today, I can't see you...

"I promise to write a poem for you.

&: Say something I'm giving up on you.
Sorry if I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would have followed you.
Say something I'm giving up on you.
And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love,
And I'm saying goodbye.

PS I saw your brother at the boulevard, and my heart ached."
---letter 12/27/13

I am repeating the song: "I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more..." in my head as if I am holding on. "That there's still hope that to me, you will come home." Without talks, without your promises, I want to decide and wait. Just wait by the shore and repeatedly sing the same song like a love-struck fool, like a first timer, like a teen in full bloom.

"I'm meeting 2014 with fireworks of love! No message received from you again but I'm smiling. One year have now passed when everything started to crush. But everything now is fine, I'm okay. Don't worry. I swear."

PS Reminisced your Good Morning Call that sunny May 2012.
---letter 01/01/14

Now the hum of the waves are calming my fears, them gently touching my feet, the wind in my ears that you, somehow, think of me. Maybe as fast as a lightning strike but at the very least, I'm passing like a meteorite.

"14? 16? How many days did it take for you to read my greeting? Thank God, you didn't just "Seen Zone" it and instead, replied: "I less than 3 you also... :)" Thank you. I smiled for a second then continued googling. I don't want to think more of it or I'll end up expecting again. I'm not sure if I should stay happy about it but I want to tell you, I always look at my back.  I'm still looking for you.

The moon, the stars, the night sky shine brightly tonight. I hope you are seeing the same phenomenon wherever you are. I hope it touches your heart the way it touches mine."
---letter 01/19/14

The wind taking my thoughts to you, singing my song out of the blue. I hope the breeze will tell you, of the pact I made, a promise carrying your name.

"That I will not forget this love...even if you expect me to."

"Right now, I feel as if I want to say something to you, more do.
 I don't know what it is about but I know there is. I wonder." ---letter 01/25/14

From the day I confessed until now, I am putting your life in His hands. I am placing my faith in His words. I will day by day pray to God that He seal my heart, if not now then forever I am willing to wait.

"Sighs. Why is it that my heart feels so empty? Nothing to hold onto, nothing to hope for, no reasons to continue living I guess, nothing to look out and nothing to hope. Last night, I searched for reasons to stick to you still but I found none. I reminded
myself just now, you didn't love me as much as I am to you. You never welcomed me to your life when I was inviting you to come to mine. You didn't look at me lovingly the way your I love yous should be. Were you ever true to me?"
---letter 03/02/14

I do not want to promise another "forever" but let me mark these next words as much 'strength' my heart can endure: "Someday, someone will hold your hand and what you have today and forward, against the rough waves sailing you away and brushing off the existence of your foot prints on the sand. That she will love you as dearly as before you have met, as deep as the ocean below. And she will wait for you patiently until you grow tired and feel you've tracked enough routes. Her patience will be as high as her understanding, her love beyond the limited rainbows, and her "worth" undeniable to your eyes and the people around you."

"That she will just be exactly...unlike me.

I'm sorry for being me."

"The day when my Sky finally kisses your Sea is now just a once in a lifetime fleeting dream..."

"You messaged me on my old yahoo account: "How's it going?" Sorry for only reading it 9 days after. I don't open this account anymore ever since I started to be active on gmail. My reply was cold, huh? Uninterested? Deep inside, I wanted to tell you:
"Here, I'm missing you, all these sorrowful years." But why did I lost my phone the same day you messaged me? I did my best to keep it because I have not deleted a single text from you. I do not wish to erase you, when I love you. Is it a sign? What sign? Good, bad? To let go or not? What kind of sign?" ---letter 04/23/2015

"Thank you for finding me at least once in your life..."

"Thank you for losing me in crushing waves of goodbye..."

"It's now almost 2 weeks when I started to talk to you, your replies feeling so cold. I'm not stupid to not recognize your uninterest. You told me you like me, but it's fine losing me to another guy? That you're happy and complete, only to think of me when you're not busy? I see, you really
are strong Peter. Once again, I have failed and wronged." ---letter 06/29/15

I told God before of my dream. My greatest dream of owning a ship where you can steer its helm. To live with it and be with you throughout your travel Odysseys. To be your masts, the hull, the keel, I want to be everything you need.

I love you. Sail away with me, Captain of my ship. ---letter prologue 2012

-whzl

05/05/2k17 133a

IG: @zaharadesertph

*I do not own the cover photo