Losing Motivation To Love Again

My ex boyfriend and I have been dating ever since our freshmen year in high school. We've been dating for five years (til our second year in college). Our story started off quite dramatic because my friends also liked him and two of his friends also liked me. Once we started dating, we've been on our own. It's like our friends are against us and we don't have anyone beside each other. I guess you can say we gave up a lot just to be with each other.

Our first three years was very sweet, just like any other long term relationship. We never took a break within our relationship and we spend almost every day together. I'm always the jealous and overly protective type of girlfriend due to the fact that many girls also liked him. Because of that, negative thoughts always flooded my mind when he's away and I always accused him of liking other girls when most of the time, he's with me (either on the phone or in person).

As an Asian girl, there comes a point when you feel the urge to get married. Going into college, I saw my friends getting married one by one. My ex boyfriend was a very career oriented at the time and he doesn't want to get married yet. He believes that marriage will be a burden to him and will slow down his motivation in life. For me, I believed that if we truly love each other, marriage won't slow him down and it will only support him through his education. We may have many things in common, but unfortunately, we see things differently when it comes to getting marriage.

During our fifth year, I've lost most of my feelings for him. I can't say that I've lost those feelings, it's more like they are hidden and buried deep down inside. I see him as being unattractive even though he's still the same guy who're in great shape physically. Everything he did seems to make me dislike him more and more. He still come and spend time with me almost every day and talk to me on the phone like usual. I guess I was bored within our relationship. There was nothing new anymore.

One day I met a guy and I tried to break up with my boyfriend even though my coach told me it was not a good idea. He was crying and he doesn't want us to break apart. I gave our relationship a second chance to see if i still see him the same way. A month later, I still see him the same way which means I no longer have feelings for him. I guess part of the reason was because in that one month, I've been keeping in touch with my new guy and soon to be my husband.

I then broke up with my boyfriend and two months later got married to my husband. During those two months before I got married to my husband, my boyfriend was constantly trying to call me and he stalked me at school, my work place and even at my house. So I thought I want to put an end to it by getting married. After he heard that I got married, he stop completely.

A week into my new life with my husband, I feel just fine. I'm actually glad that I got away from my ex boyfriend and his desperate ways. My boyfriend actually made me angry during the time he was chasing after me after our break up. Then one night, I just couldn't sleep. As I was thinking of my ex boyfriend, tears were dripping down onto my pillow. Thousands of questions and thoughts entered my mind as I tried to sleep and live a happy life with my husband.

During that time when he no longer chasing me and he's no longer there, i feel the pain of losing him. I feel the pain of a broken heart. The worst part is I broke my own heart. I should've given our relationship a real second chance, but no I did not. It hit me the hardest when I went to bed at night. When everything quieted down, thousands of thoughts came pouring into my mind.

My sleepy husband wouldn't know my suffering and I cannot find a way to express my thoughts to him because it wouldn't be right. Turning to my side was my husband sleeping. I wish it was him, my ex boyfriend. I missed him so much. I miss the scent of him, that handsome face, the silly humor, and how he's so motivated to achieve something through going to school. Then I remember him telling me that he want to finish school and get a good paying job so that I, his future wife, won't have to work.

After three years, I still think of him from time to time. There are so many things that will remind me of him. I saw him at the Hmong New Year a few times and he looked happy. I just couldn't get my mind off of him when ever I see that handsome face. Even on a happy day, if i see him just one glance, it would ruin me for the rest of the day. It seems to me like he had moved on so quick. I heard that he started going out again just a month after I took off with my husband.

Sometime I still question myself if he really truly love me when we were together since he moved on that quick. I guess maybe he's just trying to cope with a broken heart by going out so quick. It hurt me every time just thinking that someone will get to be with him. He's handsome and well educated. I don't want to see any woman within his arms. But I guess I was young and made stupid mistakes.

After dealing with so much emotions, I sometimes feel afraid to love again. Even with my husband sometimes I feel closed off and cold.