Lost

"NO!!" I shouted.

My heart was pounding, beating against my chest in hard thumps. The lie which I had told was still vibrating in my head like an annoying bee.

Those eyes met mine. Soft, chocolate brown pair which were filled with warmth just moments ago were now full of questions and concern. And yes, even fear. I missed their warmth. Questions , I could deal with. Concern, I could fend it off. But fear? It broke my heart. It hurt me the way no physical pain ever could.

'You are a liar..you're a cheat...you are a liar..you're a cheat...you are a..' This thought was playing in my mind like a stuck up song, taking away the blessed numbness with its sting.

I tried to think above the deafening silence. My pounding heart, that chaos in my mind and those eyes shouting unspoken questions at me- all this made it very difficult for me to think. By nature, I am not a thinker or a planner. Thinking is so overrated and plans have a tendency to go in the exact opposite direction. So I go with my impulses. The adrenaline rush. It is funny because that's exactly what got me in this situation in the first place.

My impulse betrayed me. All these years of unwavering loyalty yet here I am. Trying to think this out. What an irony!

'You are a liar..you're a cheat...you are a liar..you're a cheat..you are a liar liar liar..cheat cheat cheat..'

I am not a liar, am I? Giving in to one's impulses is not cheating.

The pull was so strong. Just give in. Don't think. But I shouldn't do it, I thought. I am changed now. I wouldn't go with someone who betrayed me. But that sweet pull was still there. Luring me.

'liar..cheat..liar..cheat..'

"No" I said again softly. "The reports were negative. I don't have HIV."

I lied. Impulse had won.

'liar..cheat..liar..cheat..' The song continued. I had lost.