Love

Sometimes I wonder what love is. Is love the guy who gave me butterflies in my stomach when I was 16? Or is love the guy who was my best friend? Or is love the guy I dated and got dumped and still haven't moved on from? Some of my friends say that you know it's love when it's almost impossible to move on from that one person you desperately want to forget. Some people say that true love lasts forever. Well I don't believe that. Just because it didn't last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't love.
Of all my encounters with love, one of them is the special one that I haven't been able to get over. This is the story about love that consumed me, love that broke my spirit, love that made me happiest I have ever been, love that took my breath away. As a paranoid schizophrenic, severely depressed person also having anxiety disorder, I had low self confidence, I still do. I never thought anyone could love me. But then I met him. It was a clichè. We met because our fathers are friends. We became friends and we had this unusual connection like two pieces of puzzle that fit together. He was amazing, he was everything I had ever wanted, I was falling head over heels in love and so was he but as they say nothing lasts forever. For the first time in years, I was happy. My struggles with mental health never quite left space for love and happiness in my life. I was always struggling with myself. But this time was different. I was happy and I was in love.
Time just flew by. It was first anniversary of our relationship when I found out that he had been lying to me and seeing his ex behind my back . I wasn't ready to let him go. I loved him way too much but the fact the fact that he had been lying to me , deeply disturbed me. We fought, we made up as usual. But my anxiety and paranoia took over control of my mind this time. I loved him badly and my paranoia led me to constantly picture him leaving me for his ex. This led to fights and I tried telling him, screaming that I love him, that I don't wanna lose him, that it's just my anxiety and paranoia and not me. But he never listened. He was the one lying to me and yet he dint trust me. But I wasn't ready to let him go.
I have often been told by my doctor that my schizophrenia and anxiety affect my relationships with people and it's not my fault and I shouldn't blame myself for it but how could I not? I loved him more than I ever loved myself. I was never able to show myself the same love and I know that was my mistake. But I couldn't help it. That's why when he left me for someone else, calling me psycho and saying that he can't put up with a psycho anymore and it's just too much for him to handle, I not only felt betrayed, I felt heartbroken. I was sad, depressed but little did I know that worst was yet to come.
After breakup, my mental health started getting worse. I was crying a lot, hallucinating about my ex, hearing his voice when he wasn't even there, dreaming that he would come back to me, cursing myself for letting him go away. Though, I now realise that it wasn't my fault. It was hell. It got so worse that I had to admit myself 5 times in a psych Ward in hospital. Paranoia , anxiety everything was as worse as it could be. I always felt that if I found love , it would walk out on me and my worst nightmare had come true. My heart was shattered into a million pieces, I was struggling to live everyday. I had nobody to help me through it. No friends, no family.
Here is something I wanna say about people like me, people who are struggling with their mental health. We love more fiercely than others and we also get more hurt than others . When someone shows us compassion, we give it back twice as much because most of the times we are struggling with our self worth. When people like us, people like me find love, we love with twice as much intensity because we are afraid that it will wAlk out on us . So all you out there, who are dating a person struggling with mental health, please let us down easy, please don't hurt us too much. You don't have any idea how hard it is for us to make it through the day, to do all the daily chores. Most of the times we are not able to show ourselves the same love we give you but we love you with twice the intensity of your love for us. So please let us down easy, don't hurt us too much. Its harder for us to cope up with heartbreak and move on than other people.