Palpitations had been non existent for a year. No one and nothing made me nervous.
I was so nervous now.
I was showing immense weakness now, and I knew it. But somehow it wasn't bothering me. And that bothered me. How could Ben make me nervous? He was the one suppose to be scared. I wasn't some girl who just cowered in front if guys. I one upped them.
But before I could shape more of my nightmares, the door opened and there he was. Walking in, Bhash hot on his heels.
I looked at him. He looked at me. We went escalating back in time. There was a silence hovering over us.
'Alone.' I said. 'I'll speak to him alone.'
Adriano gave me a look.
Later, I meant to say through my eyes. I wished he understood. Then he was dragging a protesting Bhash out of the room.
Silence again.
'Sit will you?' I asked. He stared at me like I was a totally new person. And I was, I realized. I'd changed.
'I can?' He asked. There was a crack in his voice. But a part of me was still screaming at the injustice. I knew, however much I tried, that I wouldn't forgive him. Then why attempt at it? Why try?
Because it was necessary. Because I wanted to give myself a second chance at this. I wanted to try. For me.
I nodded and set himself on the plastic tool, Adriano was seated in minutes ago. What a difference there was between them, I marveled. They both could never be the same yet they were sitting here. Somehow or the other.
'Talk.' I said. He buried his fingers in his hair and breathed in. Sharply. Again and again.
'I-' he started then stopped. I waited. I seriously did. Patience was foreign but I could try it out, couldn't I? We all deserved that.
'I'm not sorry.' He said. To anyone else this might have sounded blunt. Rude or hurtful. But I was grateful to Ben for this. I valued honesty and he was giving it to me. He owed me that much. 'I said all those things in the heat of the moment and it's true that I might have spoken all too much but I meant it all. I was thinking about it and it just....came up.'
He paused.
'I swear though, Carla, I swear I didn't mean for this to happen.' He pleaded. 'I swear, I was the most shocked when I heard what Bethany said.'
'Did she threaten to choke you?' I asked. My voice sounded weak. Trying to hold back tears, I realized.
'Always.' He said. Then waited. Gulped. He needed an answer and I would give it to him. I word him that much too. He'd fallen for me. He'd blamed me. He'd helped me ad he'd hurt me.
I'd thought it out all out. Carefully and I was ready for this.
But that didn't mean it hadn't hurt.
It was time I finished this, whatever this was between us.
'Ben.' I said. I grabbed his hand and he shuddered. He'd only allowed this weakness in front of me. I'd seen it before, and I saw it now.
'I can't forgive you.' I said. He looked at me and the hurt and pain was prominent and obvious but I was saying the truth and I could sense that a part of him was expecting this all along. 'I can't forget what happened and I can't believe you said that. But I can't forgive you and you know it. I think- I think-' my throat was choked up and heavy and painful. But it wasn't for the pain. It was for my emotions.
'I think its time we ended this.' I said. 'I can't ever look at you without hating you and you won't believe me anymore. I don't want that. I hate that. We have to end it.'
He just nodded. The ache aggravated.
'Its goodbye Ben.'
'Its a goodbye.' He amended.
©AkshayaGadre