Beep. Beep. Beep.
Amy? Mom? Is that you?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Can you hear me? Can you see me? Feel me?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I can see you.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I think I died.
Beep.
--- --- ---
Cal?
Mom? Is that you?
Walk on dear. It isn't your time yet.
Mom. I'm so tired. Why did you leave me Mom? Did you know I hated you at first? But then I started to hate Amy more? Because she willingly abandoned me, Mom. And you did it without planning for it.
I know dear. I know. Trust me.
Mom. I think I can't hold in anymore. I want to be with you, Mom. I love you so much. I don't think I wanna live anymore.
Cal....
Please Mom. Please don't leave me with them again. All they've ever done is hate me. Or fight me. Or insult me. I don't think I can recognize love anymore. I don't think I know who I am. I'm not your daughter anymore Mom.
You will always be mine. I will always be yours. And this is how it is meant to be.
Please don't leave me Mom....
You're so grown up Cal. I'm so proud of you. You were ten times the other daughter I had. You were ten times greater than what Amily would ever be. I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.
Mom.....
You did so well. Just keep going. Just hold on for longer dear. I'll be there right with you.
Promise?
Promise, Cal.
--- --- ---
Beep. Beep. Beep.
'Heartbeat is stabilizing.'
Beep. Beep. Beep.
'Pulse quickening!'
Beep. Mom.
Beep.
I started crying. I didn't think I had done that so freely since last year. But it felt so damn good. It felt like release. Mom. I kept on moaning. I was saying it out loud.
'She's saying something.'
'Call in her relatives.'
'None.' The words were like a hollow stab to my chest, and I flinched. No family. I'll never have one.
'Just call in her friend then. She's been waiting for a long time.'
A pause.
'What about this one?'
'Too feisty. Leave him be. He hasn't budged anyway.'
'Let him sleep then?'
'He'll wake up soon enough and get the other one. She'll be groggy but it ought to help.'
Another pause. My eyes were still closed, because it hurt. It damned hurt everywhere. Hurt like hell. If this is what death was, it wasn't pretty. I'm supposed to be dead.
It isn't your time yet.....
Mom. I started crying again. I must have said it out loud, because a moment later a pair of warm, callused hands placed themselves on my cheeks. I felt like a child again. My Mom comforting me after I had accidentally burned my littlest finger by brushing it on the kettle on the stove. She'd washed it in cold water, then dried it, then bandaged it after applying a cooling gel. Then she'd kissed it. That's when the pain had really gone. Because she loved me.
I missed her so much.
I was about to cry again, but the hands stroked my cheek with its fingers. It hurt, but it was a good pain. One that soothed me.
'Shh.' The voice whispered. So achingly familiar.
But on its own accord, my body shut down again.
--- --- ---
'How is she?' A female voice asked. I knew it so well. Bhash. Bethany.
'You know she'll not be including that in her diction or be able to bear hearing it within a ten kilometer radius, right?' I knew this voice too. It had soothed me to sleep. Although, I knew it long before that too.....
We had just moved to a new city, after dad's funeral. The locality was small but perfect. A lady can up to greet us, with a motherly air, and a small boy with a gap in his upper frontal teeth set, tagged behind, clutching the lady's skirt.
"Meet Ady", he's your neighbor!
"Hi Ady", I grinned cheekily. He gave me a shy, nervous smile.
"Don't be shy, Ady. And don't tell me that you haven't wanted a friend ever since you moved in here."
Ady stuck out his tongue. I giggled. His toothless smile grew wider and we both ended up laughing and tickling each other. It was so much fun.
"So what do you like the most now, Ady?" I asked cheekily. Ady gave me an equally cheeky smile and I giggled.
"You", he replied.
'She's saying something.' A voice shook me into the present. Even amidst the haze of torturous pain, I could feel myself cursing my mind. Why did I have such a terrible tendency to go back to the past? I wasn't one of those people who practically lived in their own past.
When had things changed between us to become like this? We hated each other, we had to stick together with the help of an effing bargain, and before all it had taken was a simple introduction, a handful of kiddy smiles and they were happy.
What would I trade to be happy just for an hour. Just to feel that contentment I felt once. Another foreign feeling to me, turned cold and distant over these tremulous years. I hate that. I hated it.
A sudden wave of pain rolled through me and I groaned. I tried to move my head to just get a glance of him. Just to know what he looked like now. He came,he came after all and it all got ruined. But what mattered was that he stayed in the end. Him and Bhash both. These were the moments which showed what true friendship meant. A touch of blind faith, a handful of smiles and happiness. I needed the latter in abundance right then because I felt broken,broken beyond repair.
I'd just seen my mother die all over again. I'd witnessed it this time.
I started crying again. Then groaned in pain as I tried to Kove my head. I wasn't thinking straight. I couldn't.
'Something isn't right.' I could make out Bhash's rising panicked tone. 'She never cries like this, she's never cried at all.'
If only you knew.
But I cried harder. I didn't care. The pain rose, I couldn't think past the blinding pain then.
'Carla.' Then that voice. It anchored me. It brought me up.
'Carla.' Again. 'Look at me. Carla, listen to me and look at me, okay? Don't close your eyes just yet, okay? You can do this. Hell, you're doing great already.'
I cried harder. All reason was beyond me. Why did he- how could he still think I was strong? I wasn't. I wasn't.
'Shh. Shh. It's okay.' He whispered. A hand enveloped mine. It hurt so much, even this small touch. But I gripped back, with all I could. As hard as I could, even though it was so feeble.
'Good. You're doing so great Carla. Look at you, so brave! You're the best you know that? Just don't close your eyes yet, okay? We can't lose you can we? That stubborn ass girl has to make an appearance doesn't she? Don't you think you owe us that, Carla? Huh?'
The voice grew slightly agitated as I didn't respond.
'Carla? Carla? Come in talk to me. Hey! Hey! Talk to me you idiot! Isn't that what you called me yesterday? Just yesterday? See?'
I still didn't reply. I was too busy drowning in that abyss, so close, so deep and endless and mesmerizing. Black and uncertain. And new.
Keep walking. I didn't think I wanted to. It was easy, so easy to dive. But that voice..... So I hung on and drowned slowly.
'Oh come on you stubborn ass! Buffon, Goon, whatever. Isn't that what Bhash calls you, Carla? Bethany? OH for Gods sake you stubborn idiot, what else do you want me to do? This isn't you! Come on you ass, fight it!'
I think I contemplated it then. It made me falter. The real Carla.
'Come on. Please come on. Look I've forgiven you forever. Ben just got his life punched out of him, do you know that? You know who did it? Bhash and ...me. I know, sounds strange right? I never hit someone, didn't I call you the bully? But you know what I learnt that day? I learnt that you are certainly capable of being saved. I learnt that you are a real person inside who has an amazing personality and is certainly not a bully.'
Those words stopped me. Those words started pulling me up on my own accord.
'I take back all my words, Carla Kingson. I take back every rude word, I told you. Now come back quick so that you can beat Ben to a pulp and teach that bully a lesson. Come on. This stubborn ass went through a lot to get you back and he I just not giving it all up to lose you now. Carla, come on! Remember the people who are waiting for you, the people who want you back. Who like your company and can't lose you? Bhash, Gary, freaking Commando, even me- Adriano. It isn't your time yet.'
No it isn't , I agreed. Not today. With a final bust of remaining strength I pulled myself out of that abyss and said goodbye.
For good, I hoped.
©AkshayaGadre