Mine To Love, Yours To Let Go

Some people tend to let go at the slightest prick of the dullest thorn when it comes to love.

But I didn’t. Not on the first, third, or tenth. I only did when my hands turned into a bloody mess, that even the slightest movement caused me torturous pain. I only did when I finally saw that we were not meant to be together— not before or ever.

We were talking back then, passing time by laying across the grassy fields while staring at the night stars. Our hands were intertwined, fingers tightly clasped together, just like the strings of our hearts.

I turned my gaze towards you, and then I saw the future I badly wanted with you— our future. I nuzzled my face into your neck and murmured, “I love you”. A melancholic sigh escaped your lips. As if it hurt you to hear me say it, like my words were a burden to you. You placed a guilty kiss on my forehead.

You didn’t say it back.

The strings connecting our hearts broke that moment.

That was the first prick.

xoxoxo

We were asked about soulmates that day. And the moment the question reached my ears, I turned towards you, hoping and believing— albeit foolishly— that it was you. I expected to see your loving gaze on me, that deep inside your heart, you know that it was me. But you weren’t. You were not focused anywhere. Your mind was traveling across time, contemplating who your soulmate was. Was it her? Or me? Soon, you closed your eyes and I watched as a single— almost invisible— tear rolled down your cheek.

I realized  it wasn’t me.

The sting of that prick felt like a thousand needles.

xoxoxo

The first time we were together, I remember you telling me a lot of things about her. I thought back then that, maybe, that was how you love a person— that you embed even the smallest detail of their very person in your mind, that you paint your life with the memories you treasure.

I wasn’t asking much. I don’t want you to rip the walls of your past and repaint it with my colors. I never wanted you to forget her— I wanted you to love me. I just wished that you were there when I needed you. I just wanted your comforting embrace to remind me that I wasn’t alone.

But I was.

I don’t know if you only painted your life with her memories, or memories of me weren’t colorful enough to treasure and paint your life with.

xoxoxo

I hoped that thunder was tearing the sky apart that day, trying to lash at the ground. I hoped that the park was barren and wet, a suitable place for something heartbreaking. Yet, the sky was at its clearest state, a lively blue with some clouds to cover a fair share of the sun’s biting rays. The weather was perfect, but the moment wasn’t.

“Please, don’t let things end like this.” You said. And I know that you were sincere. You were holding my hands tightly, begging me to stay. But we are at the end of our book. Whatever happened between us was about to end.

Still, deep inside, I know that I still have a choice.

“I can’t…” I said half-heartedly. My rejection lacks conviction. I knew back then that we can make things work out again, and I can believe in us again— there was a choice to do so.

“Please… give me a second chance…”

Your words made me lose hope. I cannot give you a second chance. I already did. Over and over again. But you never knew. Or you never cared.

“I’m sorry…” I left you there, suffering and heartbroken, amidst the people who were happy and contented.

You were miserable because you lost the girl who was always there, but you failed to see.

I was broken because I lost two of the most important people in the world, you and myself. I didn’t feel the prick that time…

I was too numb to feel anything.