My Angel

He could no more hold back his tears. It had reached up to the brim of his eyes and overflowed, like a spilling water you can never put back to the glass. This might be shameful, begging for money to strangers listening to the radio, and terrifying due to the judgments of unbelieving people, but he had to do this. He needed to do this because there’s no other way to ask for help, either way his life will be lost forever.

He had mustered a lot of courage to take a step inside the station. The radio announcer waiting for him inside the cemented bottom glassed top cell and the microphone compelling him to speak up. As soon as he moved his lips in front of the round-headed and covered with steel nets audio-producing device, his words vibrated around the cell as he talked about the person he never expected to save him the day she was born but now, he’s on the brink of losing her.

Descriptions of her coming out from his mouth flowed through the sound waves, her name filled the air and her image flickered in his mind as he spoke. ‘Till he vented out how worse her condition was, he felt his heart being pressed and the cuts on its surface which were brought by the sight of her fighting back the hair fall, dark circles, coughs of blood, diminishing energy, and shrinking bones, burst into a fountain of oozing blood and he felt a cold thing dripped on his cheeks. At that moment, he hoped people would willingly open their hearts. He hoped they would erase all the cruelty they had embedded in their souls; he wanted them to listen and hear how desperate he was in saving the most important person in his life, his precious star that showed the beauty of universe to him, his only princess in the castle he built for her – his two-year-old daughter.

When he was done with his request, his heart hopeful for positive responses, he sat back on a chair outside the cell and waited. With tear-filled eyes and swollen cheeks, he stared at the cell with the radio announcer inside announcing things he couldn’t make out of or his hearing ability was overpowered by the loud thumping of his heartbeat, as if it was a drum being beaten. For my daughter. Everything for my daughter.

The first donation came in and his heart leaped even when the amount haven’t yet covered half of how much he needed. It was the least that could make him happy, or if his daughter was there… He imagined her to beam up to him, with those smiling eyes that seem to disappear but twinkle like stars and her smile defeating the brightness of sunlight. He would be the happiest person or no, the happiest father the world ever had.

After the program, the donations were collected and he was more than satisfied of what the people had given. After all, his hypothesis about them deserved rejection and his theories can now be put down because they couldn’t be proven. Once the creatures he’s scared of, now are the people he’ll forever be grateful. He clutched the money in his hand and it fondled his veins with a hope, sending it into his heart – a hope that the money is one step closer to bringing back the normal life he wanted for her, to kindle back a flame of happiness between them.

But as soon as he arrived at the hospital, his world fell apart…

He started to feel his insides churning as he rushed to the operating room, the red-tinted light of the “Operating Room” sign taunting him. He paced back and forth, trying to think but forcing to eliminate the thoughts as soon as he thought of them. Bead of sweats dribbling from his forehead and hands; he felt the bills in his hand getting wet. What if I needed more money? What if something worse will happen and this money wouldn’t be enough for doctors to treat her back? What if… worst among all, she’ll die?

The OR door burst open and the doctor came out, exhausted. However, he thought there is more to the doctor’s heavy sighs and sagging shoulders; his eyes, as the pair looked up to his pair, seemed to speak sadness and with the look of it, he knew he’ll never like what will come next.

He didn’t know why he was able to walk outside the hospital’s main door when his brain had shut down afterwards. He couldn’t recognized people passing by him anymore, all he saw were the quick fading streaks they leave behind. He felt his shoulders being nudged and bumped into but he cared less. He only saw the hope for his life slipping away into fleeting visions, deafening silence and energy wipe-out.

He walked into a bench, shuddering as he sat down while trying not to fall to the ground even when it was the easiest to do at the moment – to collapse and forget everything. How is he supposed to keep going through life when the one who served a great part of it was now fired from this world? How is he able to face tomorrow when she’s gone today? How can a king live in a castle without his princess brightening up the corners? How can he run the kingdom of his own in monstrous sadness? How can he be able to see the same stars at night without her by his side? How can he be a father when he had lost his daughter?

Or had he ever been a father good enough for her?

And he let his regrets swallow him like a beguiling pit.

If only he had tried harder in finding a job, then he could have afford her medicines. If only he had thickened his face more to ask for money, then he could have collected enough to save her. Wishful as he was in cruel times, if only he was rich enough, he could have given her anything she needed and wanted. He could have made her live.

From a quiet distance, he saw smiling faces of a man motioning his son to enter the car. The comfort painted on the man’s face, perhaps happy he was that he’s son is finally well, thrust a rock of anger into his heart.

Why do the world have to be unfair? Why do he, who didn’t share any wealth in this world, should have his daughter be given a cancer that only money can heal?

Maybe, the people in this world still have a heart to give but the world doesn’t. Maybe, the people aren’t really unfair to all things but life is. Maybe, it could be another way around if he had the power to change the course of her life, but fate is a hungry snake.

He looked up at the sky, too bright for his despaired day. He tried to search for hope behind the clouds or he was wishing his angel to come out and pick her. His daughter might now be an angel he can hold on to through the invisible strings of his heart but whom he can never see. From this day, so he could live life, he’ll try to believe she’s here with him. My angel, be here with me.