In my heart, he lived.

He was there, he was always there, right in the corner of my mind, he never did leave my thoughts and until this moment, I sit here wondering what great have I done with my life except loving him. Everything started with a hello, I remember how annoyed I was that night, just watching people gossiping about everyone in the party, stupid conversations, kinky dancing and then it was him, coming out of nowhere, gazing me with those candy eyes of his. Suddenly, everything around me freezes and it was just me and him.

“Hello beautiful,” He says, smiling broadly at me.

“Umm, hello” I reply with a shy tone.

“You don’t seem like you’re fitting here, or at least enjoying your time!” He says, his eyes never leaving mine.

“You think? Well I’m afraid it’s obvious!” I say, blushing as I talk.

“Will you let me buy you some ice cream, mademoiselle.” He asks, amused.

This was Adam, unpredictable and totally addictive. His messy hair, his dark eyes, those ripped off jeans hanging down his hips, the attitude of bad boy with an angelic face, you don’t want to trust him but you do, you don’t want to get attached to him but you don’t want to miss a single moment without him next to you. He was my Dilemma, and I know I was going to hurt myself, only, I kept going.

Walking down that road with him, I was feeling the cool breeze of the calm Colorado evening soothing my body. Adam was talking about his university major, he was majoring in Engineering, he seemed so passionate about it, pointing out to every building as we walk and imagining what it would be like if he would’ve added his special touch to it.

“Enough about me lady, tell me about you, we’ve been walking for like twenty minutes and all I know is your beautiful name, Sarah.” He says, looking at my shoes.

I was wearing a floral dress, my favorite denim jacket and my favorite Dr Martens. A hipster outfit, well that’s pretty much my usual dressing sense, casual, girly but never too much efforts to please.

“There’s not much to know about me, I’m quite of a hipster as you see, I’m studying English literature, I love books, love stories but I do not believe in happy endings.”

“Ouch! A cynical girl, you mean?” he says, with a look of horror on his face

“No! Just realistic, if you’d like to say” I said firmly.

Suddenly, he stopped walking and turned to face me, he took my hand and I gasped. That was the first time our hands intertwined, and I could feel the cold of his skin meeting my warmth. He looked me in the eyes, and I couldn’t deny myself the beauty of that moment, I swear I felt it coming to turn my world upside down but I just couldn’t it.

“I can promise no happy ending, you’re right, but all I can offer you is Now, now is all we’ve got, now is everything and if you want to live it with me then just keep holding my hand”, he said with a soft tone.

What he said totally fits me, meets exactly how I’m living my life, though I just met him an hour ago, something about him was hypnotizing and somehow I wanted more, now and what’s beyond. I said nothing, I just kept holding his hand and walking and I could feel him smiling to his ears, I was too.

After the tasty ice cream he bought me from my favorite shop, he walked me home while talking about the fact that we do not forget pain; we just learn to live with it. He brought up the tragic death of one of his best friends, a suicide that left everyone in shock.

“Do you fear death?” he asks calmly.

“Um, I don’t know, I asked myself this question many times but I could never settle on a proper answer, I guess I fear the death of people I love more” Bitterness in my voice.

“You can always keep those people in your heart, you should know that, death is a fatality and only love can face it, I promise” he said, his hope suppressing my bitterness.

These words kept inked in my mind, it did mean something for me but I never thought that one day I will figure out what he really meant. After the long walk, we were finally in front of my house; he held my hand so tight and looked at me, his eyes full of hope and love.

“Good night beautiful, see you soon” He says, smiling.

“Good n… but hey wait! How will I reach you next time?” I say loudly, words coming out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“My number is written on that paper tissue of yours, I am not that idiot to miss this” He says, amused.

I check the Maddie’s Ice cream paper tissue, he wrote his number on it with a “xo” before handing me the ice cream and I was too distracted to notice. And yes, now I know what does “he had me at hello” means, he really did.

I walk through the house grinning with myself, feeling like a bird set free. Mom is sleeping which means no inquisition and no making fun of me. My mom is my confident, she’s been the most amazing mom ever since Dad died, she’s my role model and she knows probably everything about me, and she’ll surely guess that there’s something going on, something too exiting, too mesmerizing to sweep me off my feet. I’m wondering if I’ll be able to sleep tonight, thank God it’s the weekend, because I can’t think of anything else but him, no studies, no homework, just daydreaming about him and when will I have the courage to text him and ask for our hands to reunite.

I wake up happy; it’s been a long time since I’ve woke up this happy, the last days were only full of routine, well I’d say reality! I’m wondering if what I had yesterday with that mystery boy was true, or was it part of the dream that made me wake up this pleased with myself. I look at my chest of drawers, where the paper tissue hang there waiting for me and apparently it is true, this would surely not be the number of the Gardner Mom’s been going crazy to find.

I go downstairs to find my favorite breakfast waiting for me, coffee and granola and my mom with her welcoming morning smile.

“Good morning Momma, it’s a beautiful shiny morning, isn’t it?” I say smiling at her.

“Good morning cutie, yes it is, but I believe the sun isn’t the only one shining, you are too darling, have I missed something?” She says, teasing me.

“Mom! You can’t help teasing me, yes you missed something and that’s why I’m shining, though you always say that because you are my mother!” I say laughing at her.

“Well I bet the reason why you’re this happy also sees you shining and beautiful just like I do.” she reply, amused at my reaction.

“God! I have one smart and beautiful mother; I see you got it right just like every time you do.” I give her a kiss on the cheek and sit to have my breakfast while she went to water the Garden. I can’t keep myself away from the thought of him, so I decide to text him and thank him for last night.

“Good morning, thank you for shaking my annoyance last night; I guess I do fit somewhere else,

I had a beautiful time.

XO XO”

And since the moment I sent this message, a new chapter of my existence started.

Adam dominated my life, we were going out every week-end, and he was taking me to parties, to the movies, setting romantic dates for us, he was just my dream come true.

It was that night when he asked for my hand and led me to the dance floor; we were too close I could breathe the scent of his skin, our gazes collided and it hits me for the first time, like it never did before: I love Adam, I do. I love how he makes me laugh when I don’t even want to smile, I love how he embraces my flaws and all of my imperfections, I love the fact that he loves me unconditionally and I love him so much it hurts, so much I’m scared to see a life without him, so much that I don’t remember how my life was before I met him, it’s like somebody I’ve always known in my mind that it didn’t took me too much to get him into, he was always there.

Isn’t it crazy how one person you meet perchance can change your sight of everything? The fairytales, the too-good-to-be-true love stories, the broken hearts, the loss and the hurt. What if he went somewhere else that night? What if I left a few minutes ago? It was meant to be. His love is undeniable, you can’t do without, and I just found myself forgetting about all of the barriers and boundaries I used to remind myself of whenever I feel love coming my way.

one day, I was sitting in the Garden on that white painted wood table where I used to sit with Daddy back when I was a child. I miss him so much and he is the reason why I fear loss, why everything started to hurt after he was gone, he was the person I loved the most and yet he was the one who introduced me to loss and pain. My eyes tear up and I find myself calling Adam.

“Sarah, I was just thinking of you” He says, happy at my call.

“I loved him so much, why he had to leave?” I say, a lump in my throat.

“You loved him so much, that’s why he left, and he did because he knew you were so fond of him that you would learn to cope with his absence.” He says, his hope filling the gaps.

“But it hurts so much, why do the people we love so much have to leave us with a big whole in our hearts?” I asked, barely keeping the tears from falling.

“I told you before, it’s because love is the only emotion that can conquer loss, imagine if you weren’t so fond of him, if he wasn’t much of a great father, he would die and you would always live with anger, lost between forgiving him for not being a good father and move on or live with that envy and anger he left inside you? This is exactly why having so much love for someone who left helps you go on with your life, do greater things to make them remembered, to make them proud. You know, most people say that – it only hurts too much, when you love too much- But that’s not true, well maybe I’m crazy, denying this so-called-fact, but this is how I’ve always thought about it”, he said spontaneously, like he’s telling a story to a 6 years old little girl.

This phone call appeased my soul. Adam gave me explanations for every emotion I felt, when I could not find the words to describe it; he said that everything happens for a reason; even loss and hurt do happen for one good reason. He showed up at my house half an hour after I called him and I run to him as soon as I see him coming my way. I hug him tight, like I don’t want him ever to leave and tears come streaming down my face. He released me and grabbed my face in his hands, wiping my tears away as he goes.

“I’m here baby, I’m here with you and I won’t leave until I make you understand that there’s things you can’t do nothing about, you can only learn to live with them, and only love and hope are the keys.” He says, his eyes full of concern.

“I’m so glad I found you, you are the glimpse of light enlightening my days, I am so grateful you finally exist in my world” I said, a little sad smile crossing my lips.

“I love you Sarah, I will always care for you, until my last breath.” He kiss my forehead and I shiver.

Shiver is all I do at his touch, I’ve never reacted to anyone like this before, and he’s affecting me with every word, every touch, and every breath of his. His love is intense, the kind of love that makes you go out of your mind, it scares me so much how attached to him I became, though it makes me stronger I belong to him. I love him this much, and it’s both, making me feel alive and killing me.

The next days were so full of love and beautiful moments. Adam was so caring for me, he used to pick me up every day from college, make me laugh and shake my stress away. Going back home, Mom was so enjoying teasing me about my daily happenings with Adam, she would beg me all day to tell what was it like with him, she loves seeing me this happy and delighted with myself, It has been a while.

“So, prince charming is sweeping you off your feet I see, never seen my lovely daughter this enthusiast about going out to reality like you do these days.” Mom says, happiness clear on her face.

“You love this, don’t you? Your daily inquisition! Well yes Mom, I love him, I love him so much and he really is sweeping me off my feet, only I wish I won’t wake up one day and find that all of this was just a dream.” I say, a shade of fear in my voice.

“I hope it won’t darling, just know that you are really living these beautiful moments now, live them to the fullest, and never take it for granted. Always keep in mind that everything happens for a reason” She said, her eyes smiling at me.

“Those are one too many wise words, I promise I will Mommy. Thank you.” I kiss her and head to my room with plans to sleep.

Just as I rest my head on my pillow, I hear the message ping of my phone, I check it out.

“Meet me tomorrow at the Hudson Gardens at 10, love you.

Adam, XO.”

This text gave me butterflies in my stomach. Usually, Adam does not give any clue about where he’s taking me, he just does. But tonight, he did, means it’s something special. I find myself already daydreaming about how this date will be.

“Good morning sunshine, today is not like every other day.” He says, a broad smile on his face. “Mmm you say so, what makes it this special for you?” I ask, amused at his expression.

“Because you are here with me, in this day I’ve always imagined, because you are the one.” He reply, his eyes shining as he talks.

His words come to my ears like a sweet lullaby, I felt that there was something special about this day since the text message he sent, I can’t hold myself together at his words. A Picnic set lie there on the grass, coffee, Granola and fruits on a floral towel, just the things I like.

“Sit down baby, we are having breakfast together, this is why today is special.” He says, laughing as he hands me a cup of coffee.

“You always do this bastard! We had breakfast one too many times together, I know there’s something you’re hiding.” I say laughing back and teasing him.

“Miss Sarah, take some time to savor your dark coffee” A playful smile crossing his lips.

I fall in love more and more with his words, his suspense technique is working. After having the delicious breakfast, he starts gazing me softly, his eyes saying something.

“You know Sarah; I’ve always imagined this day and the girl I will be spending it with, she was you. Your smile, the way you play with your hair when you’re feeling shy, the kindness of your heart, the attention you pay to my sarcasm and the unconditional love you offer me, you have always been there Sarah, you are the one.”He says, too emotional you can feel it in his eyes.

My eyes tears up a little bit, hearing what he just said and I feel there’s more coming in the way.

“This is why, today I brought you here, to confess to you again, that you are the character of all the love songs in my playlist, all the fairytales I spent my childhood hearing about. There’s this letter I wrote three years ago, you weren’t in my life and neither I was in yours. But I wrote it anyways, because I knew there was going to be a day I meet you, I wrote it for this special girl I’ve always wanted to be with, it might sound crazy and stupid but I believed in it. And here I am today; sitting right beside the girl this letter is about, it’s yours now.” He says, smiling innocently.

He hands me the letter, folded in a white envelop, written in the front of it “to the one”. I stand there speechless, a tear finds a way to my lips and I wipe it quickly before he sees me, though I think he did. I don’t want to seem stupid but I did felt the need to cry, those were tears of joy, I never thought a moment as beautiful and perfect as this could ever cross my life. I am mesmerized, I really am.

“Do me a favor; don’t open it until you get home, I want you to take a peaceful moment by yourself and read it.” He says, holding my warm hands.

“I really don’t know what to say Adam; I can’t believe this is happening to the girl who used to avoid love at all costs, I’m out of words, I just love you.”

“Don’t say a thing baby, don’t think about the clichés, the love stories you’ve been told. This is ours, this is our love story and that’s all that matters.” He said, and then he hugged me so tight I can feel his love covering my body.

I’m in my room, finally. I can’t wait to open the letter. I sit down on my bed, my hands shaking and I unfold the envelop.

Dear Love,

I was waiting for this moment it’s been quite a long time, the moment you will be reading these words written with passion and love for you. It was you, it has always been you.

I am so happy I didn’t die with this letter left of me going to dust without getting to the right person it was destined for. I am so glad this letter doesn’t seem crazy anymore. You are the one in my favorite song of The Smiths I spent years obsessing about and looking for, you are why I chose to believe in soul mates and sparks, you are the light that kept guiding my way until I got here, you are why I held on.

I want you to know that I love you so deeply; it’s that true love that conquers everything, even fatalities, that I found with you. I am so grateful for the precious moments you offered me, the first gaze, the first hold of your hand, the first kiss, the first dance, every one of them was pure magic.

I always knew life had more to offer than just mediocre and ordinary and you cannot imagine how thankful I am I have made it to live the beautiful reality with you.

Know that I will never forget you, wherever I will be, you will be taken with me, in my heart that has always beaten for you. You are the love, and you will always be, for me.

For ever yours,

Adam.

And this is what Adam left for me, beautiful memories and this hand written love letter.

The brutal accident took him away from me, abruptly, with a deafening silence. It wasn’t too good to be true; it was true, it happened. He left me the love we spent our days talking about and a bittersweet ending. I think this is how it is meant to be, all the men I loved the most in my life had to leave and I am destined to watch them as they do, my father and now him, the only one I truly loved with all my heart and soul. He said love is meant to last forever, he believed it’s the only emotion that can overcome death.

I guess I’ll spend the rest of my life figuring out how that can be, I will.